I just received an email from an admirer in Missouri, with a probably phony email address and the subject line: “are you a jew?” The text of the email contained only this simple, poignant question:

do you hide change in your nose?

Dear Hater,

Thank you for asking! Actually, when I was younger, I often amused my compatriots by putting two quarters in each nostril and then snorting the theme to Gilligan’s Island. Oh, how we laughed.

But to answer the question that obviously obsesses you in a very unhealthy way — no, I do not have the honor of being Jewish.

Sincerely,
Ned the Zionist Pig