Please ensure that any and all liquid refreshments are safely situated on level, stable surfaces before reading this first draft of Olbie’s kooky rant: A Clockwork Strawberry.

[ed. - Found under a pile of discarded MSNBC Nielsen Ratings: first draft of fringe cable TV superstar Keith Olberman’s Howard Beale moment]

A Clockwork Strawberry

By Keith Olbermann
Editor and Chief, MSNBC “Meltdown with Keith Olbermann”

And now, turning to the headlines.

The headlines are, of course, entirely wrong.

Never mind the fonts, which are totally misleading.

Thus it is surely not essential that a revered and beloved past president, pistol-whipped and sandbagged by a subhuman terrorist monkey with a microphone, finally lashed back with a raw, sinewy panther-like ferocity that sent his primate interlocutor scurrying for the safety of Roger Ailes’ banyan tree.

Nor is it not important, in the infinitesimal cosmic clockwork of simian Beltway irony or lack thereof, that the current President’s prefab peanut gallery of poo-flinging psychedelic missing links has described his predecessor’s tone as “crazed.”

Insofar as it is as it is, in the words of founding father John Quincy Fillmore, “shan’t not our very tone be encrazed?” Good, old fashioned batshit gravel-munching crazy, for, in such times as such are these, that the nation’s freedoms are under assault by an administration whose policies can do us as much damage as al-Qaeda; when, and in which the nation’s groundwater of ideas has been flouridated by the poisonous propaganda of heinous Fox play-by-play “homers,” in bias so blatant that it would prompt Harry Caray to puke a rainbow arc of Budweiser vomit from his pressbox cloud during 7th inning stretch at the friendly confines of heaven’s celestial Wrigley Field. No, citizen, these are insane times when the only sane response is to hop aboard Ozzie Osborne’s Crazy Train, go to the dining car for the all-U-can-eat bat head & psilocybin buffet, and, in the words of founding father George Jefferson, move on up to that dee-luxe apartment in the skybox of CrazyCom stadium.

Nonetheless. The headline is this:

Bill Clinton did what almost none of us have done in five years.

He wisely watched Keith Olbermann on MSNBC.

Afterwards he dare bespoke the truth about 9/11, and the current presidential administration.

“At least I tried,” he said of his own efforts to capture or kill Osama bin Laden. “That’s the difference in me and some, including all of the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They had eight months to try; they did not try. I tried. I really really extremely really tried. They didn’t try and I did, and this is the real difference, the trying. And also, I tried.”