Iowahawk is the best dumpster-diver in the biz, and tonight he’s been digging at 48th and FDR Drive: iowahawk: Kofi Talk.

Nearly 50 years ago, when I arrived in Minnesota as a student fresh from Africa, I had much to learn. For example, the concept of “connecting flights,” because I was actually supposed to be going to California. My cab had already plowed through several miles of Minneapolis snowdrifts before I realized my horrible mistake, but I decided to make the best of it. Over the next few years I adapted to the quaint arctic customs of the indigenous Minnesotans — wearing their colorful earmuffs, training my gag reflex to against their cruel lutefisk. Still, lesson learned: I vowed, with God as my witness, that I would never fly coach again.  All my life since has been a learning experience. Now I want to pass on five other lessons I have learned during 10 years as secretary general of the United Nations, as well as CEO of KofiCo Oil Vouchers Ltd.

First, in today’s world we are all responsible for each other’s security. Against such threats as nuclear proliferation, climate change, global pandemics or terrorist accountants plotting UN audits from their safe havens in failed superpowers, no nation can make itself secure by seeking supremacy over others, and their private financial records. Only by working together can we hope to achieve lasting security for ourselves, and perhaps a nice comfortable villa in Switzerland. Let’s just say that “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

But when we look at the murder, rape and starvation still being inflicted on the people of Darfur, we realize that our teams of fun-loving security back-scratchers can sometimes be a PR headache. That’s why we must also summon the political, economic and marketing muscle to keep ahead of the news cycle. Boys will be boys, and in the grand scheme of things, do a few rambunctious UN troops really matter when all the planet’s children are under the looming threat of climate change? I mean, what’s with that? Do you people hate the planet’s children or something?