All it takes is winning a thoroughly undeserved Nobel Peace Prize, and a whole world of opportunities opens up: Membership Has Its Privileges.

Dear   ALBERT GORE JR.  :

Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2007 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to   RAISE GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE AWARENESS  .

I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:

* A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or Gulfstream

* A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)

* Special Geico group car insurance rates for you and your family

* Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)

* Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!

Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accomodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members:

“My career as an international peace activist means lots of air travel — and dealing with pushy Zionists and rude natives. With my Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard, I finally get the respect I deserve - and it makes getting through Gaza airport security a snap!“— Jimmy Carter, 2002 Laureate

”Whether we’re patrolling the Congo, Sudan, or Bosnia, one thing’s for sure — chicks can’t resist a Nobel Peace Prize Player!“— United Nations Peacekeeping Forces, 1988 Winners

”My Players Club GoldCard lets me treat my friends and family to great perks.“— Kofi Annan, 2001 Laureate

”I’m a take-action kind of guy. Whenever I fly to Tehran or Pyongyang, the first thing I pack is my Players GoldCard.” — Mohamed ElBaradei (2005)