The first reports from Iowahawk’s alternate universe box office mag are in, and things don’t look good for the Xmas-haters who rule Tinseltown: BoxBux Sux as Stix Hix Nix Xmas Flix.

Los Angeles - Despite critical acclaim and massive promotional budgets, a wave of anti-Santa holiday pictures floundered at the box office over the Thanksgiving opening weekend, leading some entertainment industry analysts to question whether Hollywood had overestimated the American public’s loathing for the Claus administration and a seemingly endless shopping season.

“I’m not sure went wrong,” said Jeff Bell of the MPAA after the release of the weekend Nielsen/EDI movie box office figures. “With all the griping you hear about the holidays, it stood to reason that people would flock to theaters for a chance to vent their hatred at that fat red fascist bastard. I blame illegal downloaders.”

Whatever the reason, the financial results were grim.

“Kringle’s  List,” starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Julia Roberts in a cautionary tale of rogue elf agents inside the North Pole’s illegal Naughty and Nice wiretapping operation, led the pack of anti-Claus releases with weekend receipts of $68,500, for a $26 per-screen average. The film’s take was only good for a #34 showing overall, just behind the limited arthouse re-release of the 1965 Don Knotts classic “The Incredible Mr. Limpet,” but studio spokesman Rob Foulet said the film could eventually recoup its $180 million production budget through strong word-of-mouth and a new advertising campaign that downplays the film’s elfin geopolitical psychodrama in favor of Miss Roberts’ breasts.

“We’re not saying she has a nude scene in the film, but we’re not saying she doesn’t,” said Foulet. “That’s up to the ticket buyers to find out.” …

The most controversial of the new releases, Brian De Palma’s “Red on Green,” also proved to be the weekend’s biggest financial disappointment. The film’s documentary-style depiction of brutal gang rapes, genital torture, and candy cane stabbings by North Pole workers earned critical raves and a Palm d’Or award for De Palma when it debuted at the Cannes Film Festival earlier in the year, but the positive advanced notices were not enough to fill theater seats. According to Nielsen/EDI the film generated only $18.00 in box office receipts — apparently two tickets sold to DePalma and producer Mark Cuban — and was later revised downward to $9.00 after Cuban asked for a refund. 

De Palma defended the film’s weak opening box office, noting that it was based on only 15 screens in New York, Los Angeles, and Pyongyang.

“I think it’ll really break out when we open in Dallas,” said De Palma. “We’re giving away free Dirk Nowitzki posters to the first 500,000 ticket buyers!”

“I have a Palm d’Or award,” added De Palma.

Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert, who gave glowing, 5-star reviews to each of the films, said he was not surprised by their poor financial performance.

“It’s sad, but hopefully these wonderful films will do much better in the overseas market,” said Ebert. “No matter how much down inside they know how Christmas is wrong, and Santa is wrong, it’s hard for Americans to see their elves portrayed in a balanced, realistic way, as tragically haunted sadistic pederasts. By contrast European filmgoers are much more sophisticated and educated, so they eat that sh*t right up.”