Iowahawk: Advice for the Lovelorn
Wed, Apr 30, 2008 at 1:54:17 pm PDT
Even if the Rev. Wright scandal wrecks Barack Obama’s run for the presidency, Barry can always fall back on his obvious skills as an advice columnist: Advice for the Lovelorn.
Dear Barry:
I’ve been married to the same wonderful man — Let’s call him “Jeremiah” — for 20 years. He’s a great provider and we live in a beautiful home. He dotes on me and treats me like a queen; even after twenty years he still brings me little gifts and opens doors for me. Best yet, our sex life is fantastic! Jeremiah enjoys spicing things up with role-play, such as “Adolf and Eva,” and we host weekly swinger get-togethers for like-minded couples. I know it probably must sound kind of kinky, but trust me - it keeps things interesting in “the boudoir.”
That’s where the trouble comes in. Lately it’s been hard for Jeremiah to step out of his bedroom character, even when we have company over. For example, the other night I was hosting bunco night for the neighborhood girls and Jeremiah came goose-stepping into the rec room in his black leather swastika thong and riding crop, screaming “Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer!!”
Frankly, it was somewhat embarrassing. I’ve asked Jeremiah to “tone it down” and save the Nuremberg speeches for the privacy of swinger’s night, but he refuses. Also, I think he may be clinically insane. I’m worried that if word gets out it may hurt our chances of getting membership in the country club. What should I do?
Confused in Hyde Park
Dear Confused:
Remember the old saying, “dance with the one who brung ya.” Despite his kinks Jeremiah got you where you are today, and it’s important for you to remain loyal to him until you’re absolutely certain he has become a real liability for your country club application. If so, encourage Jeremiah to strip down to his thong and rant about Jews at the next country club cocktail party. Then you can feign heartbreak, and run crying for the bathroom. This will earn you the sympathy of the club admissions committee, and they will probably offer you an individual membership for your “courage.” Jeremiah won’t mind because he’s obviously more into his Fuhrer fantasy than improving his golf swing. And trust me — the make-up sex you have later will be unbelievable!
