I've read all his plays!

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers
— William Shakespeare, Henry VI

Tommy Emmanuel - Classical Gas

With all this hopen registrations, it's nice to chagne things up a bit with the overnight hopen thread.

Here's hopen that 44 makes less fuck up today then he did yesterday.

re: #1 traderjoe9

I've read all his plays!

But can you recall them all and name them in 10 minutes?

But what about Change You Can Believe In™?

This is much better. Must have been the size of the last thread that was giving me probs.

What kind of oath will he take today?

re: #6 gmsc

But can you recall them all and name them in 10 minutes?

No...I am a failure...

re: #7 Macker
Thats the Change in your pocket.

re: #6 gmsc

But can you recall them all and name them in 10 minutes?

Why when you have wiki?

re: #9 itellu3times

What kind of oath will he take today?

I swear to swear only twice at the oaf in office today.

History Channel harping on the Masonic conspiracy behind the Dollar bill or maybe Foundation of the US.

And Elizabeth Taylor was perhaps the most lovely Katherina

re: #10 traderjoe9

No...I am a failure...

Don't worry! Help is here! Just learn all the plays in 3 simple parts:

Shakespearean Mnemonics: Histories
Shakespearean Mnemonics: Tragedies
Shakespearean Mnemonics: Comedies

Been waiting for the hopen thread to post this email I got today. The Aussies do have a good way of saying thing.

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always
in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was
asked on a local live radio talk show,

just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will
save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'

I've been living in a cave for the last three years. What's this about some guy named Barack Obami or something like that?

re: #12 jcm

Why when you have wiki?

Learn them for the challenge, and even the fun, of pushing and testing your own limits!

re: #14 Rustler

History Channel harping on the Masonic conspiracy behind the Dollar bill or maybe Foundation of the US.

Good, the Masons are only a front group for the Bilderberger, Illuminati, Trilateral Commission triumverate that is really running things for the zionist cabal. As long as they are distracted by the Mason front it's all good.

The number 13 is their current harping since there are 13 normal degrees of masonry degrees 14-33 are special ranks. All the 13 numbers obviously have nothing to do with the origional 13 colonies.

"Asses are made to bear and so are you!"

re: #19 gmsc

Learn them for the challenge, and even the fun, of pushing and testing your own limits!

It's too late, I'm too tired...

re: #18 HelloDare

I've been living in a cave for the last three years. What's this about some guy named Barack Obami or something like that?

The short version: Is there room enough for the rest of us in your cave?

Bring me the violin.

I think Obama will probably be taking the oath in his nightmares for awhile.

"Oh no! Roberts had his fingers crossed this time!"

re: #24 gmsc

The short version: Is there room enough for the rest of us in your cave?

No, there isn't. A family of libertarian survivalists kicked me out on January 20.

re: #18 HelloDare

We are all try to figure that out. The MSM loves him but we are sitting here beside ourselves shrugging.

It strikes me that a Shakespeare play done classically as a film these days would likely be a flop for hollywood. Sad.

re: #14 Rustler

My paternal grandfather was a 33rd degree master Mason of the Scottish rite, and a welder in a steel mill. He must have missed the meeting about world domination.

re: #14 Rustler

History Channel harping on the Masonic conspiracy behind the Dollar bill or maybe Foundation of the US.

/relax, they're just taking a break from their 24/7 UFO programming

re: #18 HelloDare

I've been living in a cave for the last three years. What's this about some guy named Barack Obami or something like that?

Go back to the cave, don't come out for...

I heard a rumor that our new POTUS signed some executive orders today that he hadn't even been briefed on. Anyone else run across that?

re: #25 zulubaby

Cry me a River.

re: #29 Sharmuta

It strikes me that a Shakespeare play done classically as a film these days would likely be a flop for hollywood. Sad.

There have been some very well done Jane Austin movies / mini-series that have done well recently, not on the big screen too long be on DVD.

re: #34 Pvt Bin Jammin

Cry me a River.

Build be a bridge and get over it.

re: #16 gmsc

Don't worry! Help is here! Just learn all the plays in 3 simple parts:

Shakespearean Mnemonics: Histories
Shakespearean Mnemonics: Tragedies
Shakespearean Mnemonics: Comedies

Thank you!

Knowledge is power!

re: #31 Killian Bundy Yeah but I hate the way they try adding ulterior motives to George Washington. The man could have been King George but instead of being Monarch and having the country serve him he chose to serve the country.

re: #36 jcm

Build be a bridge and get over it.

LOL

re: #33 Sosigado
///Was just stuff to counter Bush's EO's so what they said couldn't be that important.

re: #38 Rustler

Yeah but I hate the way they try adding ulterior motives to George Washington. The man could have been King George but instead of being Monarch and having the country serve him he chose to serve the country.

Thats where he differs and becomes a great man. When he takes the selfless step towards empowering the people.

Unlike mister 2nd Amendment .. mister O.

re: #35 jcm

There have been some very well done Jane Austin movies / mini-series that have done well recently, not on the big screen too long be on DVD.

Well- I was thinking of the re-worked Romeo and Juliette done in the 90s, but I have to wonder if even that would do well. If done according to the original script, I imagine most people would be wondering WTF these people are saying. It's unfortunate.

re: #29 Sharmuta

It strikes me that a Shakespeare play done classically as a film these days would likely be a flop for hollywood. Sad.

That's because Hollywood couldn't leave them alone. Can you picture modern Shakespeare plays:

Taming of the Shrew: The story of Kate, a shrewish women feared by all men. Her shrewishness the result of . . . global warming!

Romeo and Juliet: The story of 2 young lovers, kept apart by familys that are feuding . . . over global warming!

Hamlet: The story of a Danish prince, tortured by . . . global warming!

re: #37 traderjoe9

Thank you!

Knowledge is power!

You're welcome.

re: #42 Sharmuta I saw a Romeo and Juliet play which tho using Modern Language stayed very true to the script. The recent movies where they tryed moderninzing the Language have done horrible jobs both of carry the proper point accross and staying true to the story.

Well, goodnight all. It's great to be a hatchling.

re: #29 Sharmuta
As usual , correct. In the early 50's , Julius Caesar was filmed starring James Mason as Brutus and Marlon Brando as Mark Antony. Could not be done today.

re: #45 Rustler

My HS director re-worked the scripts himself to make them more accessable to the audience of a HS play, yet retained a fair amount of the "why for"s and "hast thou"s. It can be done, I just doubt hollywood would make these movies today and I doubt they'd turn much of a profit.

re: #42 Sharmuta

Well- I was thinking of the re-worked Romeo and Juliette done in the 90s, but I have to wonder if even that would do well. If done according to the original script, I imagine most people would be wondering WTF these people are saying. It's unfortunate.

The are some modernized Shakespearean works I think are classics in their own right.

For example, this particular take on "The Taming of the Shrew":

Hey guys...just checkin in'

Was the second day of Hope N' Change better than the first one?

re: #46 Sosigado

Well, goodnight all. It's great to be a hatchling.

Goodnight.

re: #48 Sharmuta

PIMF- accessible.

re: #46 Sosigado

Please come back soon.

re: #43 gmsc

That's because Hollywood couldn't leave them alone. Can you picture modern Shakespeare plays:

Taming of the Shrew: The story of Kate, a shrewish women feared by all men. Her shrewishness the result of . . . global warming!

Romeo and Juliet: The story of 2 young lovers, kept apart by familys that are feuding . . . over global warming!

Hamlet: The story of a Danish prince, tortured by . . . global warming!

Modern Shakepeare plays.

The Ides of Gore - A play about a man who predicts the end of time itself .. by the 16th century.

Obamathello - Its about a black guy doing something. And there are several parts to it .. but whats it really about?

Midsummer Nights Mystery - Miss Marple investigates the death of a knight in strange circumstances. Sure Miss Marple is there, but she is burned as a witch later on.

Hope n Change - The story of two lovers from misbegotten Italian families feuding about who will reign over America supreme.

re: #17 Erik The Red

Been waiting for the hopen thread to post this email I got today. The Aussies do have a good way of saying thing.

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always
in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was
asked on a local live radio talk show,

just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will
save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'

I'd love to hear the whole thing on tape...

re: #14 Rustler

History Channel harping on the Masonic conspiracy behind the Dollar bill or maybe Foundation of the US.

If you want the lowdown on the Masons, check the Hamas Charter. /

Article Seventeen:

The Muslim woman has a role no less important than that of the Muslim man in the battle of liberation. She is the maker of men. Her role in guiding and educating the new generations is great. The enemies have realised the importance of her role. They consider that if they are able to direct and bring her up they way they wish, far from Islam, they would have won the battle. That is why you find them giving these attempts constant attention through information campaigns, films, and the school curriculum, using for that purpose their lackeys who are infiltrated through Zionist organizations under various names and shapes, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, espionage groups and others, which are all nothing more than cells of subversion and saboteurs.

Article Twenty-Two:

For a long time, the enemies have been planning, skillfully and with precision, for the achievement of what they have attained. They took into consideration the causes affecting the current of events. They strived to amass great and substantive material wealth which they devoted to the realisation of their dream. With their money, they took control of the world media, news agencies, the press, publishing houses, broadcasting stations, and others. With their money they stirred revolutions in various parts of the world with the purpose of achieving their interests and reaping the fruit therein. They were behind the French Revolution, the Communist revolution and most of the revolutions we heard and hear about, here and there. With their money they formed secret societies, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, the Lions and others in different parts of the world for the purpose of sabotaging societies and achieving Zionist interests. With their money they were able to control imperialistic countries and instigate them to colonize many countries in order to enable them to exploit their resources and spread corruption there.

Article Twenty-Eight:

The Zionist invasion is a vicious invasion. It does not refrain from resorting to all methods, using all evil and contemptible ways to achieve its end. It relies greatly in its infiltration and espionage operations on the secret organizations it gave rise to, such as the Freemasons, The Rotary and Lions clubs, and other sabotage groups. All these organizations, whether secret or open, work in the interest of Zionism and according to its instructions. They aim at undermining societies, destroying values, corrupting consciences, deteriorating character and annihilating Islam. It is behind the drug trade and alcoholism in all its kinds so as to facilitate its control and expansion.

re: #46 Sosigado

Well, goodnight all. It's great to be a hatchling.

I am out too. Barely keeping my eyes open. See ya later. You will enjoy this blog.

Nite, Lizards, take care.

re: #49 gmsc

Those two just had a certain chemistry together that rivals those of many great duos of hollywood. I'd forgotten about that episode, but remembered it as soon as the embed opened without clicking play. Thanks.

Henry the Fifth Speech

They finally had a historian come out and say the significance of the number 13's prevalance may have just been because of the colonies. This historian also called Conspiracy theorist ignorant of latin because of the translation of Novus Orco Securum as new secular order as opposed to New order of the Ages.

re: #56 HelloDare

So the Freemasons are just self-subservient zionist honcos? I guess a lot of people here are members and didn't even know it.

re: #50 TheMatrix31 Worse I think.

re: #55 Dustyvet

I'd love to hear the whole thing on tape...

I will try to find it. Give me some time.

re: #42 Sharmuta

Well- I was thinking of the re-worked Romeo and Juliette done in the 90s, but I have to wonder if even that would do well. If done according to the original script, I imagine most people would be wondering WTF these people are saying. It's unfortunate.

Yes, I see your point. Well done Shakespeare can be riveting. There is a hard to find tape of The San Francisco ACT doing Taming of the Shrew with Meryl Strep before she made it big that's wonderful. It's just a tape of the stage play with no editing, but still excellent.

Part of it is I don't think that many actors have the skills to do the Bard justice.

re: #64 jcm
Yeah but I think Sharm is more saying it couldn't happen in todays 2000's Hollywood. Even in hte 90's hollywood was able to to do the Classics somewhat as intended but no chance of it now.

re: #61 ArchangelMichael

So the Freemasons are just self-subservient zionist honcos? I guess a lot of people here are members and didn't even know it.

Freemasons are chumps. It's the Rotary Club members that hold the real power in this world. Them and the Quiznos Franchisees.

re: #62 Rustler

Worse I think.

What happened? I haven't been able to catch up on ANY news today. Could it be much worse than yesterday's suspending and closing Gitmo in a year, closing black sites, and opening up our money for people overseas to kill their babies?

Cats are cruel.

I'm getting ready for bed, and I wanna check on her before I go to sleep... but I can't find her.

For half an hour, I've been looking everywhere... under the bed, inside the closets and cabinets, down in the basement... and she's nowhere to be found. I even checked outside, rustling through the shrubbery in my slippers and p.j.s... nothing!

I finally heard a sound... a tiny sneeze... and there she was. She tunneled under my dirty clothes, and was watching me through the slots in the laundry basket! Maybe that wasn't a sneeze at all... maybe that's how cats laugh...

A new lizard here! A very enthusiastic one! I am so grateful for the 1st amendment. I am so grateful for the 1st amendment. With that and access to LGF I will endeavor to persevere the next 4 years. It’s nice to interact with such a great group! We are Americans; The Best and Brightest. We will (with Gods grace) recover from this!

re: #63 Erik The Red

I will try to find it. Give me some time.

Okay thanks..

re: #66 HelloDare

Freemasons are chumps. It's the Rotary Club members that hold the real power in this world. Them and the Quiznos Franchisees.

Does this mean my Subway free sub card holds no political sway?

re: #64 jcm

Part of it is I don't think that many actors have the skills to do the Bard justice.

Indeed. Many stars of hollywood have never done theatrical acting at all. I do know Tom Hanks did extensive Shakespearean theater before his big break- he could pull it off.

re: #65 Rustler

Yeah but I think Sharm is more saying it couldn't happen in todays 2000's Hollywood. Even in hte 90's hollywood was able to to do the Classics somewhat as intended but no chance of it now.

You and Sharm are likely right.

I think there would be a market for it. But it probably won't be Hollyweird exploiting that market, some new upstart someplace.

re: #55 Dustyvet

I'd love to hear the whole thing on tape...

Looks like it is an urban legend. Pity damn funny.
Fiction!

re: #59 Dustyvet

Henry the Fifth Speech

[Video]

James Burke examines the history behind Henry V's life:

re: #68 stevieray

Cats are cruel.

I'm getting ready for bed, and I wanna check on her before I go to sleep... but I can't find her.

For half an hour, I've been looking everywhere... under the bed, inside the closets and cabinets, down in the basement... and she's nowhere to be found. I even checked outside, rustling through the shrubbery in my slippers and p.j.s... nothing!

I finally heard a sound... a tiny sneeze... and there she was. She tunneled under my dirty clothes, and was watching me through the slots in the laundry basket! Maybe that wasn't a sneeze at all... maybe that's how cats laugh...

Yup, she got you ...:) the little devil...:)

re: #71 Buster Bunny

Does this mean my Subway free sub card holds no political sway?

There's a computer chip in it. The Rotary Club knows your every move.

re: #69 Rob with a mind

A new lizard here! A very enthusiastic one! I am so grateful for the 1st amendment. I am so grateful for the 1st amendment. With that and access to LGF I will endeavor to persevere the next 4 years. It’s nice to interact with such a great group! We are Americans; The Best and Brightest. We will (with Gods grace) recover from this!

Welcome!

re: #69 Rob with a mind

Welcome and good luck. After this weeks events we need an enthusiasm transfusion.

re: #74 Erik The Red

Looks like it is an urban legend. Pity damn funny.
Fiction!

Dang it...:(

Nite all...

Reason and judgment are the qualities of a leader.
Tacitus

re: #65 Rustler

Yeah but I think Sharm is more saying it couldn't happen in todays 2000's Hollywood. Even in hte 90's hollywood was able to to do the Classics somewhat as intended but no chance of it now.

I think gmsc is onto something- were hollywood to produce a Shakespeare play as a film now, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from injecting today's politics into it.

With Obama closing Gitmo and suspending charges against the detainees where does that leave Australia's two former detainees? Do they still retain their criminal records?

re: #64 jcm
I saw "The Merchant of Venice" in San Francisco at the Geary Theater in 1972. Could Shylock have been played My Meryl Streep: He was acted by a woman

re: #67 TheMatrix31
He signed the EO closing Gittmo yesterday the 22nd. he also signed an EO limiting the Powers of the CIA. 3rdly he came out supporting Abortion rights.

re: #68 stevieray

I go through that daily with the toys.

/as soon as I can figure out a, cheap, unobtrusive after-market add-on for tracking cat toys, I'll be rich

By the way- can the other lizards present come up with the name of some post 9/11 mainstream movies where the U.S. Military or Intelligence operatives are portrayed in a fairly positive light and confronting people who want to kill them that aren't part of some sort of shadowy neo-con cabal working to undermine them, if not outright garunteetheir silence by killing them?

Right now, I can only think of a couple, such as The Great Raid, Tears of the Sun or The Kingdom.

re: #85 Rustler

He signed the EO closing Gittmo yesterday the 22nd. he also signed an EO limiting the Powers of the CIA. 3rdly he came out supporting Abortion rights.

Eh, nothing we didn't know already. Pathetic.

re: #88 TheMatrix31

Yeah stuff we coulda said was coming he just put ink to paper on it fast. huffpo is mad because he only used EO's to close gittmo and limit CIA powers, and EO's can be Overturned.

re: #82 Sharmuta

Today's Hollywood would have a whack job like Steven Soderberg directing it.

re: #5 Erik The Red

Here's hopen that 44 makes less fuck up today then he did yesterday.

no way in hell that's happening...

st00pid is as st00pid does.

re: #75 gmsc

James Burke examines the history behind Henry V's life:

James Burke is my favorite historian. At least one user has every single thing he's done uploaded on YouTube.

Coincidentally, apparently DownloadHelper was the Add-On that was messing up my context menus in Firefox. A new version just came down that supposedly fixes that.

Haha now History channel is talking about some "Vision" Washington had which showed him how to win the war and start the country. Washington never had it in any of his Papers it was only mentioned about 100 years after the revolutionary war.

re: #86 Killian Bundy

I go through that daily with the toys.

/as soon as I can figure out a, cheap, unobtrusive after-market add-on for tracking cat toys, I'll be rich

I bought a ball that when bounced, it lights up and a lot of colors. Samantha The Brave took one look at it and hid. Wanted no part of it. The male cat I have now, fetches dum dum pops. Little sod got 300 of them for Christmas

re: #86 Killian Bundy

I go through that daily with the toys.

/as soon as I can figure out a, cheap, unobtrusive after-market add-on for tracking cat toys, I'll be rich

I buy her those little fluffy fuzzball things. She loves them... carries them around like they are kittens. I must've bought her two dozen of them... I can only find three.

She's gotta be flushing them when I'm at work... they aren't under anything, behind anything, inside of anything... they are just gone!

re: #90 MrPaulRevere
I want to see a Tim Burton "Taming of the Shrew".

[Link: hotair.com...]

Think about that the next time you drive over a bridge.

re: #92 Mauser

James Burke is my favorite historian. At least one user has every single thing he's done uploaded on YouTube.

Coincidentally, apparently DownloadHelper was the Add-On that was messing up my context menus in Firefox. A new version just came down that supposedly fixes that.

JamesBurkeFan was that user, and, alas, his account has been removed. However, as part of a compromise (and demand by fans!), a new official account, JamesBurkeWeb has taken it's place. All the original Day The Universe Changed and Connections I episodes are available and embeddable.

re: #95 stevieray

I buy her those little fluffy fuzzball things. She loves them... carries them around like they are kittens. I must've bought her two dozen of them... I can only find three.

She's gotta be flushing them when I'm at work... they aren't under anything, behind anything, inside of anything... they are just gone!

Like socks. Put 10 in the drier and get only 7 out. Where the hell do they go?

re: #90 MrPaulRevere

Today's Hollywood would have a whack job like Steven Soderberg directing it.

It couldn't all be global warming though. Like Hamlet- that would be prime for military-industrial complex, while MacBeth screams post-colonial imperialism.

re: #100 Sharmuta
And their effects on Global warming.

re: #83 Crux Australis

With Obama closing Gitmo and suspending charges against the detainees where does that leave Australia's two former detainees? Do they still retain their criminal records?

The 12 inch vinyls .. sure .. .. but anything Elvis .. noway.

re: #99 Erik The Red

Like socks. Put 10 in the drier and get only 7 out. Where the hell do they go?

You put 10 in the washer. The dryer is a patsy!

re: #76 Dustyvet

Yup, she got you ...:) the little devil...:)

Well, I'll get her back!

No yummy tuna snax for her! Not until tomorrow for ten minutes! Well, okay... just a few.

Comedy hour while all of you are still awake.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

re: #83 Crux Australis
Murtha will take em in and turn em out as whitehouse aides.

re: #104 stevieray

Well, I'll get her back!

No yummy tuna snax for her! Not until tomorrow for ten minutes! Well, okay... just a few.

aww, give her a hug, a tummy rub. and an ear scratch...she loves you.:)

re: #99 Erik The Red

Like socks. Put 10 in the drier and get only 7 out. Where the hell do they go?

Ya got a cat? She's flushing them... I swear they do that!

They mess with your head!

re: #105 Erik The Red
That doesn't work so well in this age of Implants and blue pills :P

Puzzle time: What type of cheese is made backwards?

re: #98 gmsc

Thank you, I bookmarked it.

re: #17 Erik The Red

i regret that i can only plus that up one...

I haven't seen the Taming of the Shrew, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

re: #111 BatGuano

Thank you, I bookmarked it.

You're welcome.

Download them and convert them while you can!

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to
Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I
didn't realise we had a choice."

Next on Presidential Prophesies did Lincoln foresee his Assassination. I may have to put History channel on ignore but it's so funny.

If Obama were a character from a Shakespeare play, who would he be?

re: #87 Fenway_Nation

By the way- can the other lizards present come up with the name of some post 9/11 mainstream movies where the U.S. Military or Intelligence operatives are portrayed in a fairly positive light and confronting people who want to kill them that aren't part of some sort of shadowy neo-con cabal working to undermine them, if not outright garunteetheir silence by killing them?

Right now, I can only think of a couple, such as The Great Raid, Tears of the Sun or The Kingdom.

those must have been an accident... last one i can think of was Patton.

re: #113 wiffersnapper

I stuck part 1 of 14 in the spinoffs- part 2-14 are in the related bar of youtube.

re: #115 Erik The Red
What airline is this sounds like a nice perk.

re: #104 stevieray

Well, I'll get her back!

No yummy tuna snax for her! Not until tomorrow for ten minutes! Well, okay... just a few.

As I've explained here before, cats cannot pronounce the sound of the letter "N".
Hence " ME _OW!"

re: #110 gmsc

edam

re: #29 Sharmuta

It strikes me that a Shakespeare play done classically as a film these days would likely be a flop for hollywood. Sad.

I don't know. Much Ado About Nothing was only about ten years ago, with Denzel Washington, and Emma Thompson, and the short guy who wasn't good enough for her. That did reasonably well, didn't it?

re: #116 Rustler

Next on Presidential Prophesies did Lincoln foresee his Assassination. I may have to put History channel on ignore but it's so funny.

I've read that Lincoln had a dream and is supposed to have viewed himself in the casket. Beyond that i know nothing about the subject.

re: #115 Erik The Red

Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East who is headed to a training conference in Detroit.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim who supports Osama Bin Laden's Jihad, so the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still . . . no plane comes.

Finally, ! the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."

re: #117 BatGuano

If Obama were a character from a Shakespeare play, who would he be?

Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury - "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?"
;)

re: #100 Sharmuta

I was raised on 'The sands of Iwo Jima' and Dirty Harry. I really cant relate to the Hollywood of the mushroom eaters and coke snorters. As a matter of fact I feel completely estranged from modern American culture.

re: #108 stevieray

Ya got a cat? She's flushing them... I swear they do that!

They mess with your head!

Seriously, have you moved your refrigerator lately?

/just think, if you could just press a button on a remote and they'd beep or otherwise display their location, you'd save hours of crawling around, searching under furniture per week

re: #124 Dustyvet

I've read that Lincoln had a dream and is supposed to have viewed himself in the casket. Beyond that i know nothing about the subject.

I always love the famous list of Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences that Martin Gardner created years ago:

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford's".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln - made by Ford Motor Co".

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Both John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

...and of course, the most startling coincidence:

One week before his assassination, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland . . .

It is difficult to believe today's Hollywood could carry a truly serious rendition of the classics. Note that of late many of the serious dramas themselves are from indies (e.g. The Wrestler) that later get picked up by the big distribution houses once some acclaim comes in from the peers in the field.

Speaking of peers, I don't know any today who could do this:

re: #117 BatGuano

If Obama were a character from a Shakespeare play, who would he be?

/Yorick

re: #107 Dustyvet

aww, give her a hug, a tummy rub. and an ear scratch...she loves you.:)

That's why I was looking for her in the first place.

Sigh.

I used to be a free man. I used to rule my world.

Now I step on squeeky toys on the way to the bathroom in the dark. They are ear piercing at 5:00 am! Heart attack causing!

re: #43 gmsc

That's because Hollywood couldn't leave them alone. Can you picture modern Shakespeare plays:

Taming of the Shrew: The story of Kate, a shrewish women feared by all men. Her shrewishness the result of . . . global warming insensitive right to lifers who don't understand the need for abortions!

Romeo and Juliet: The story of 2 young lovers, kept apart by familys that are feuding . . . over global warming religion, he is a Christian and she a Muslim!

Hamlet: The story of a Danish prince, tortured by . . . global warming!

terrorists who want to stab him and pin a note to his chest for insulting Islam.

There, fixed that for you.

re: #125 redc1c4
ROTFLMAO

THE PASTOR'S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

re: #123 SanFranciscoZionist

I don't know. Much Ado About Nothing was only about ten years ago, with Denzel Washington, and Emma Thompson, and the short guy who wasn't good enough for her. That did reasonably well, didn't it?

I saw it and thought it was well done, but I doubt it made much money.

re: #84 BatGuano

in San Francisco at the Geary Theater in 1972. Could Shylock have been played My Meryl Streep: He was acted by a woman

Wait, and didn't they do a new film version of "Merchant" a couple years ago? I remember a friend talking about the costuming.

re: #122 stevieray

edam

Yep!

re: #132 stevieray

That's why I was looking for her in the first place.

Sigh.

I used to be a free man. I used to rule my world.

Now I step on squeeky toys on the way to the bathroom in the dark. They are ear piercing at 5:00 am! Heart attack causing!

Ever step on the plastic one with the bell in it, at 3:00 am , bare foot...CRUNCH! Son of a b***...

re: #129 gmsc
Your forgot to mention that kennedy enjoyed being in Marylynn Monroe :p

re: #129 gmsc

Never saw that before- that is frickin' eerie!

re: #117 BatGuano

If Obama were a character from a Shakespeare play, who would he be?

Bassanio from Merchant of Venice, talks a lot, but is of little consequence in the whole scheme of things.

re: #117 BatGuano

If Obama were a character from a Shakespeare play, who would he be?

i'm not sure there's a shit bird in Shakespeare's writing...

which character is a complete and worthless asshole?

re: #139 Rustler

Your forgot to mention that kennedy enjoyed being in Marylynn Monroe :p

I was trying to imply that with the last line.

re: #140 Sharmuta

Never saw that before- that is frickin' eerie!

Yes, but Martin Gardner's point in assembling the list was that you could take any 2 famous people in history, and make just as long a list (if not longer) of coincidences.

re: #143 gmsc

I was trying to imply that with the last line.

re: #131 Killian Bundy

Geeez. I knew him. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

re: #128 Killian Bundy

Seriously, have you moved your refrigerator lately?

As a matter of fact, yes. I was stuck in the house for a snow day last week, and did a big housecleaning. I found two under there... that brought the total from one to three.

I steam-cleaned all of the carpets, so I moved all of the furniture. Nothing.

I really am at a loss to explain it. They really are gone!

Was it McBeth who said: "Which dark sceptre doth haunt the midnight watch?"
I wonder if our President is now thinking of saying that about the embattled Illinois Governor?

re: #115 Erik The Red

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to
Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I
didn't realise we had a choice."

Oh. Dearie. Me.

re: #147 stevieray

maybe your cat is trying to add fiber to his diet...

re: #146 BatGuano

Geeez. I knew him. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

/a fellow of infinite jest

Fertile Irish

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't
I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did,
Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan ,
how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have
ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

re: #136 SanFranciscoZionist
Actually Shylock's daughter, Portia played a man in the court scene to defend Antonio when Shylock demanded his pound of flesh.

It was quite interesting. It was the Merchant of Venice that made me love Shakespare.

re: #148 shanec99

Was it McBeth who said: "Which dark sceptre doth haunt the midnight watch?"
I wonder if our President is now thinking of saying that about the embattled Illinois Governor?

If you're looking for Shakespearean insults, look no further . . .

re: #141 shanec99

You mean " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing" ? I know the type.

re: #154 gmsc

I'm still pretty fond of "An ass was made to bear and so are you".

re: #147 stevieray

I moved all of the furniture. Nothing.

/no you didn't or you'd have found them, they're there, I've found balls neatly tucked into the end cap of a baseboard heater, under the kitchen sink . . . much easier to find if you could get them to beep

re: #153 shanec99

Actually Shylock's daughter, Portia played a man in the court scene to defend Antonio when Shylock demanded his pound of flesh.

It was quite interesting. It was the Merchant of Venice that made me love Shakespare.

Shylock's daughter is Jessica, Portia's the other one...innit?

re: #115 Erik The Red

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to
Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I
didn't realise we had a choice."

From what I hear being men raped by women is brutal, one report is about a man who had a thin glass rod inserted in his "pee pee" and he was stimulated until erect then the member was hit repeatedly to break the glass rod in several places. Talk about reconstructive surgery.

You know... if torture were allowed, that would be an approrpiate punishment for a terrorist.

re: #156 Sharmuta

I'm still pretty fond of "An ass was made to bear and so are you".

I leak in your chimney!
;)

But Portia is the one who dresses as an attorney.

re: #157 Killian Bundy

/no you didn't or you'd have found them, they're there, I've found balls neatly tucked into the end cap of a baseboard heater, under the kitchen sink . . . much easier to find if you could get them to beep

Well, break out your soldering gun, and get inventing!

re: #148 shanec99

The embattled Governor might be asking, " Is this a dagger I see before me, handle toward my hand?'

re: #158 SanFranciscoZionist
I can't remember a Jessica in the Merchant of Venice... and I played Saliero in it.
Maybe in Jamaica, our version of Merchant of Venice were different than the one you read.

Gawd. Shakespeare's one female Jewish character and we get Jessica. I mean, Shylock is a nutjob, but he's well drawn.

re: #164 shanec99

I can't remember a Jessica in the Merchant of Venice... and I played Saliero in it.
Maybe in Jamaica, our version of Merchant of Venice were different than the one you read.

I don't know...anyone?

re: #164 shanec99

I can't remember a Jessica in the Merchant of Venice... and I played Saliero in it.
Maybe in Jamaica, our version of Merchant of Venice were different than the one you read.

That's possible. Does the Merchant in your version sell carbon credits?

Who was it that said "who will rid me of this mettlesome priest"? A classic line, one for the ages.

re: #161 SanFranciscoZionist

yes, Portia dressed as the attorney and defended Antonio after his ships were lost and Shylock demanded payment or his pound of flesh. I have since been told that this story demonstrates Shakespare's anti-semetism, but personally all it said to me that a greedy person (regardless of race) can take advantage of vulnerable people.

re: #126 gmsc

Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury - "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?"
;)

re: #168 MrPaulRevere

Who was it that said "who will rid me of this mettlesome priest"? A classic line, one for the ages.

GMTA!

Lesser of 2 evils

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSON'S.
Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSON'S of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put it!

re: #168 MrPaulRevere

Who was it that said "who will rid me of this mettlesome priest"? A classic line, one for the ages.

That's Henry II about Thomas a Becket.

re: #163 BatGuano

The embattled Governor might be asking, " Is this a dagger I see before me, handle toward my hand?'

Aha... yes Sir, you are not to be out done.

re: #148 shanec99

Was it McBeth who said: "Which dark sceptre doth haunt the midnight watch?"
I wonder if our President is now thinking of saying that about the embattled Illinois Governor?

Juggy is too busy shitting his own pants to worry about anyone else...

i wish i had the White House cigarette smuggling concession: he's gonna smoke 'til he strokes.

re: #155 BatGuano

You mean " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing" ? I know the type.

Loose Change?

re: #171 Erik The Red

Lesser of 2 evils

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSON'S.
Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSON'S of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put it!

Actually, forgetting where you put your drink would be everyday forgetfulness. Alzheimer's is more along the lines of having the drink in your hand, and forgetting what's in the glass.

Men and Listening Skills

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a
McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the
movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn,
all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes
slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...'I meant my dress size, you twit. !

The moral of this story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

re: #167 gmsc

That's possible. Does the Merchant in your version sell carbon credits?

Huh... I hope not. I would have failed if I had said something like that.

I was graded on Merchant of Venice in Literature at the GCE O Level. All my exams in Jamaica were graded by Cambridge University.

"Tempt not a desperate man"

-Romeo and Juliette

re: #169 shanec99

yes, Portia dressed as the attorney and defended Antonio after his ships were lost and Shylock demanded payment or his pound of flesh. I have since been told that this story demonstrates Shakespare's anti-semetism, but personally all it said to me that a greedy person (regardless of race) can take advantage of vulnerable people.

Shakespeare could hardly have not been an anti-Semite, given where and when he grew up, but he gives Shylock's greed and desire for revenge a context that creates a character with depth and dignity.

Erica Jong, of all people, created a novel around the plot of Merchant. It's hilarious.

re: #172 SanFranciscoZionist

Thanks! That's what I love about LGF, its a very literate crew and I always learn something every day.

re: #177 Erik The Red

I'm married. I know.

re: #177 Erik The Red

Men and Listening Skills

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a
McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the
movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn,
all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes
slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...'I meant my dress size, you twit. !

The moral of this story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

The Man Song (NSFW):

The Woman Song (NSFW):

re: #171 Erik The Red

Lesser of 2 evils

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSON'S.
Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSON'S of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put it!

Halfzimer's...

it's like Alzheimer's, except it only affects you part of the time.

Ooopsie- forgot to go out and get my extra copies of the very special local papers of King Barry the Present's c0r0nation to sell at a later date for a higher mark-up.

What's the shelf-life for this particular brand of hope and change?

re: #175 ArchangelMichael

No. Hopenchange.

re: #182 BatGuano

I'm married. I know.

a man is not complete until he's finished.

then he's done. %-)

re: #185 Fenway_Nation I was upsset I had decided while off work monday and tuesday that last night I would Take home all of sunday and mondays papers Sunday's had Obama's letter to his Daughter's and monday had 2 or 3 pages of Obummer luv. Came into work and they had tossed the leftovers in the dumpster. I had previously in the year started a pile for those of us with wood burning stoves which routinely got used but it had been warm last few days so papers were tossed.

re: #181 MrPaulRevere

That is why I am here.

Probably exists in multiple variations, but I just found this funny --

"Last week I was talking to the little girl who lives 2 houses down. She said she wanted to be President some day.Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there and I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people.""Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that.You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and clean up my yard, and I'll pay you $50.Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 you worked for, to use toward a new house."She's only 6 so she had to think that over for a few seconds. As her Mom and Dad glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"Then I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."Her folks still aren't talking to me."

re: #181 MrPaulRevere

Thanks! That's what I love about LGF, its a very literate crew and I always learn something every day.

I know many weird facts, and enjoy sharing them around.

BTW, tradition said for centuries that Becket's mother was a Saracen princess. Tradition, apparently, was wrong, his mum was some girl named Matilda, from France. Very dull. Fun story, though.

I have to go to bed. Life begins again in a matter of hours. Night, all.

re: #190 TheMatrix31 There is another about a college age girl who works hard has a 4.0 takes hard classes but is liberal. Her friend parties all night barely comes to class has a 2.0. Someone asks her isn't it more fair that you both have a 3.0 shouldn't you spread the wealth on grades, she says no. His reply is "welcome to the Republican Party."

re: #193 Rustler

There is another about a college age girl who works hard has a 4.0 takes hard classes but is liberal. Her friend parties all night barely comes to class has a 2.0. Someone asks her isn't it more fair that you both have a 3.0 shouldn't you spread the wealth on grades, she says no. His reply is "welcome to the Republican Party."

I like that one more than the one I just posted.

No More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes
into The Bathroom and comes back. A few
minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like
never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The
First time. The wife sits up and her head
is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

re: #190 TheMatrix31
You are lucky that the child's parents didn't scream at you for encouraging their child to exploit the less fortunate, and have you arrested for attempting to circumvent child labor laws.

Several times in the past few days, there are people who have emplored anyone who hasn't done so yet to read Atlas Shrugged.

Here's an excellent adaption of John Galt's climactic speech from the book in 4 parts:

The other 3 parts can be found here.

re: #195 Erik The Red
They found enough of him to bury? Damn... she was restrained.

re: #180 SanFranciscoZionist

I have not read/seen that play in 35 years, but I came away with Shylock as a sympatheitc character.His mercenary nature balanced by his understanding of the perception of the jews by the gentiles.Shakespeare was ( as we all are) a product of his times. I will read it again.

Last one for today(I think)

Gardening

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, 'What do you do to get your
tomatoes so red?' The gentleman responded, 'Well, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes
turn red from blushing so much.' Well, the woman was so impressed, she
decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would
work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the
best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, 'By the way,
how did you make out?

Did your tomatoes turn red?' No', she replied, 'but my
cucumbers are enormous.'

re: #200 Erik The Red
I heard a version of that... but it said ... where I planted cucumbers squashes have grown up instead.

re: #190 TheMatrix31

I've read that before, but it's always good to post stuff like that again.

re: #194 TheMatrix31
The full one is in one of hte older threads here somewhere.

A young college girl named Sally went to her dad one day disgusted with the fact that he was a republican. She beraded him telling him to open his mind and see how the world was changing.

The father replied, How are your grades? Sally said that she has maintained a 4.0 GPA and works very hard for it. The father asked, How is you friend Julie doing? Sally replied that she is barely hanging on with a 2.0 GPA because she goes out and parties all the time and never studies.

The father replied, Why don't we take your 4.0 GPA and Julie's 2.0 GPA, divide it up and give you both 3.0 GPA's?

Julie replied loudly, That's Not fair! I worked hard for those grades while she was out partying!

The father replied, Welcome to the Republican Party.

---
Something like that.

For those that don't understand football.

Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first
football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After
the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter
back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"

re: #187 redc1c4

a man is not complete until he's married finished.

then he's done finished. %-)

/same concept though

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the Republican party."

---

"And now that you're a Republican, tell the Dean that he's got to work harder to make sure all the students like Audrey are testing at acceptable proficiency levels. If they're not, we'll take money away from the schools until they do -- oh, and he can't try to foist the blame off on the underperforming students, either."

From Snopes. Found it i suck at summerising sometimes

Life and crime in South Africa.

In the United States of America they invented a machine that catches
thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.

• USA, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
• India, in 20 minutes it caught 3000 thieves,
• Nigeria, in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,
• South Africa, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

For the longest time, I could never figure out why they called it the Internal Revenue Service.

Sure, I could understand "Internal" and "Revenue", but "Service"?!? Personally, I don't care for their services, and would rather do without them.

Then, just the other day, I overheard a farmer talking to his neighbor. He mentioned that he had a bull who was "servicing" a cow. I thought, "AHA! That's it! That's EXACTLY the context of how the word "Service" is used in "Internal Revenue Service"!

This is true btw.
Law in South Africa

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in
South Africa

1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:

If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes around, kill him!
You'll save R500.

It's the Right Thing To Do...

re: #197 gmsc

Thank you. I will check out the other three parts tomorrow.

re: #210 Erik The Red

This is true btw.
Law in South Africa

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in
South Africa

1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:

If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes around, kill him!
You'll save R500.

It's the Right Thing To Do...

With an economy like that, it's sort of ironic to call their money "Rand".
;)

DOW back under 8000 in premarket futures.

/thank you President Obama, may I have another?

Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and
tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike...'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board...'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!'

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How
do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'

re: #208 Erik The Red
racist

for Erik:
Good Morning, Admiral.
I appreciate you asking me here to give my side of the story, particularly
after the unfortunate, sensationalized accounts that came out in the
anti-military media.
First of all, I'd like to point out that my predecessor left me a real mess.
That ship was totally unsatisfactory when I took over, and the few months I had to correct things before the "incident" were far too short. I knew that whatever he had done before was totally wrong, since he came from the [redacted] community, and they're all a bunch of Bozo's.
Excuse me, Sir?... No, actually, I was not aware you were part of that
community...
Yes, Sir, I suppose I really should have checked that out before this
proceeding...
Yes, Sir, I'll move on in my discussion. As soon as we cleared the pier, I dismissed the tugs. I don't believe it looks good to imply that a ship that big needs any help from anybody. We headed down the channel, and I called for Ahead Full as soon as we were on initial course.
Yes, Admiral?...
Well, I learned early in flight training the importance of speed, the faster
the better. It seemed to make sense to apply the same principles in this
case, since going fast means you get past the potential problem spots
quicker. After we had spent a while in the channel, I could clearly see the open ocean ahead. Since we were already pointed in that direction, I ordered "Steady As She Goes". This caused a bit of commotion among some of the less decisive officers on the bridge, but I ignored them.
Sir?...Charts?...Well, I'm the Captain, not a chart checker. Anyway, some of those charts are ten years old, and they're full of guesswork and opinions. The water looked fine to me, at least the part I could see.
Anyway, as we headed out to sea, the Navigator started making a fuss, and the CIC people kept making annoying calls to the bridge. I had the CIC speakers turned off, and asked the Navigator what his problem was. He was agitated, quite undignified in my opinion. He kept poking a spot on the chart with his finger. To humor him, I took a look and saw that the chart showed a sand bar in our path. I assured him that my SUV plows through sand all the time with no problem, and a big old aircraft carrier shouldn't have any trouble with that sort of thing. Anyway, I certainly couldn't have ordered a course change, since that would shown a lack of resolve and confidence. A few minutes later, the speed on the pit log started to drop, so I ordered "All Ahead Flank" to make up the difference. However, due to the poor condition of the plant and the incompetence of the Engineer Officer, the ship continued to slow and eventually came to a stop.
Admiral?... Are you OK?... Can you still hear me with your head on the
table like that ?...I'll continue, Sir. I hope you feel better.
Once we had stopped, I knew I had to take decisive action. Since it would
have been bad for morale to admit to a mistake, I got on the 1MC and
announced to the crew that we had reached our destination. To make sure they bought the story, I ordered a steel beach picnic. It did seem a bit unusual only 2 hours after "shift colors", but no sailor is going to turn
down sliders on the flight deck. The Pork Chop did seem a bit irritated at
the short notice, but he was always a malcontent and not a team player.
The next day, the crew was getting a bit suspicious. The Signalmen were
happy, since we were still close enough for them to use the "Big Eyes" to
check out the beach, but I felt an increasing lack of confidence from the
rest of the crew. To deal with this, I sent the ship to General Quarters
and lit off all the weapons systems to keep the crew occupied. The
unfortunate accident with the CIWS and the Channel 5 NewsCopter was the result of the lack of fire control discipline by the Weapons Officer.
Sir?... Could I perhaps get you a glass of water?
TBC!

re: #215 shanec99

racist

LOL.

re: #213 Killian Bundy

DOW back under 8000 in premarket futures.

/thank you President Obama, may I have another?

glad you want it, 'cause you're sure gonna get it...

/and how!

re: #217 Erik The Red
heh heh heh...

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from Grandma!"

re: #218 redc1c4

glad you want it, 'cause you're sure gonna get it...

/and how!

I quite simply to look at my monthly IRA statements. In fact I may just contact my advisor and ask that I receive no more statements until the DOW gets back to 14,000.

re: #208 Erik The Red

Life and crime in South Africa.

In the United States of America they invented a machine that catches
thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.

• USA, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
• India, in 20 minutes it caught 3000 thieves,
• Nigeria, in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,
• South Africa, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

y'all didn't it it to explode?

/yankee inginuity

Sarcasm

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant
- about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over
the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!

re: #213 Killian Bundy

Damn...I might be coming into some money soon...but where's the best place to keep whilst riding out the hopey-changey era?

re: #225 Fenway_Nation

Damn...I might be coming into some money soon...but where's the best place to keep whilst riding out the hopey-changey era?

Galt's Gulch.

re: #221 shanec99

I quite simply to look at my monthly IRA statements. In fact I may just contact my advisor and ask that I receive no more statements until the DOW gets back to 14,000.

are you sure you'll live that long?

Juggy's going down the FDR trail and that could kill the market for decades...

re: #208 Erik The Red

Oh, Gawann! There has been no news out of South Africa since 1993! It is a paradise just as Zimbabwe is.

re: #136 SanFranciscoZionist

I saw Al Pacino do the part of Shylock in "The Merchant of Venice". I can't say I loved his interpretation, but at least he interpreted it consistently. As for the rest of it, I enjoyed it. It's great that some actors still want to stretch themselves to do the classics.
It's usually the British trained actors that do justice to Shakespeare IMHO. The HBO version of "Rome" had great people playing Caesar, Cleopatra, Anthony, etc.

re: #222 ploome hineni

The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.

Niccolo Machiavelli

...discuss

Nicollio was an optimist.

re: #230 redc1c4

Nicollio was an optimist.

So was Murphy.

re: #225 Fenway_Nation

Damn...I might be coming into some money soon...but where's the best place to keep whilst riding out the hopey-changey era?

Under your mattress.

re: #232 Erik The Red

Umm...how's that working out for your Rand?

re: #228 BatGuano

Oh, Gawann! There has been no news out of South Africa since 1993! It is a paradise just as Zimbabwe is.

No Zimbabwe is still the jewel of Africa. South Africa is slowly getting there though. Kinda like the rat in boiling water.

re: #232 Erik The Red
I've found Jelly jars in hte backyard work better the mattress gets lumpy just holding enough to gas up the car.

re: #234 Erik The Red

No Zimbabwe is still the jewel of Africa. South Africa is slowly getting there though. Kinda like the rat in boiling water.

That might explain the cholera outbreak...

Heck. Did everybody go to sleep? Now I have to wait for the early bird crowd.

re: #233 Fenway_Nation

Umm...how's that working out for your Rand?

Not well at all. Al my cash was taken out in Nov. 2007. About $160 000.00. I have about another $600 000.00 in assets house and business. The business is sold just waiting for transfer in about 60 days. House is a problem. The Rand has lost over 30% since Nov. 2007. So yeah I am not a happy camper at the moment.

re: #231 gmsc

So was Murphy.

whereas i'm just experienced.

(beats the hell out of being cynical %-)

re: #238 Erik The Red

Not well at all. Al my cash was taken out in Nov. 2007. About $160 000.00. I have about another $600 000.00 in assets house and business. The business is sold just waiting for transfer in about 60 days. House is a problem. The Rand has lost over 30% since Nov. 2007. So yeah I am not a happy camper at the moment.

wanna sell some guns?

Do Men Remember Anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

re: #237 yenta-fada

Heck. Did everybody go to sleep? Now I have to wait for the early bird crowd.

i thought it was "hello muda hello fada"?

/white smoke

re: #238 Erik The Red

Not well at all. Al my cash was taken out in Nov. 2007. About $160 000.00. I have about another $600 000.00 in assets house and business. The business is sold just waiting for transfer in about 60 days. House is a problem. The Rand has lost over 30% since Nov. 2007. So yeah I am not a happy camper at the moment.

re: #240 redc1c4

wanna sell some guns?

Or some Krugerrands?

re: #240 redc1c4

Sure come on over and get them. Most are going to mates if they can get the licenses for them. If not they will be destroyed. I am sad because most were bought before I got married and I probably only replace the shotgun, 1911 and maybe the AA .22(if I can't hide that one in the container)

Back in London, I was having dinner in the Groucho Club— this week’s
in-spot for what’s left of Britain’s lit gritz and nouveau rock
riche—when one person started in on the Stars And Stripes. Eventually
he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “your country’s
never been invaded.”
(This fellow had been two during the Blitz, you see.)

“You don’t know the horror, the suffering. You think war is...”

I snapped.

“A John Wayne movie,” I said. "That’s what you were going to say,
wasn’t it? We think war is a John Wayne movie. We think life is a John
Wayne movie—with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well, you
know something, Mister Limey Poofter? You’re right. And let me tell you
who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD."

"We’re the baddest-ass sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks.
We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and
descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take
your Germany, France and Spain, roll them all together and it
wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack,
the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers
of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in
Cap D’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit
higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go."

“You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy.
Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the
guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning.
A rape and a mugging is our way of saying ‘Cheerio.’ Hell can’t hold
our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer
and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie
in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all you Europeans.
We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out
before lunch.”

Of course, the guy should have punched me. But this was Europe.
He just smiled his shabby, superior European smile.
(God, don’t these people have dentists?)

-- P.J. O’Rourke - “Holidays In Hell”

re: #244 Erik The Red

Sure come on over and get them. Most are going to mates if they can get the licenses for them. If not they will be destroyed. I am sad because most were bought before I got married and I probably only replace the shotgun, 1911 and maybe the AA .22(if I can't hide that one in the container)

no importing them, eh?

much as i feared...

re: #236 Fenway_Nation

There is no cholera outbreak in that part of the world, nor starvation, nor suffering. The colonialists have been expelled and Zimbabwe is not only the jewel of Africa, it is still the breadbasket and there are rats boiling for everyone. There is no disease or racism and don't even ask about friggin' sarc tags! Clear!