But it's only a theory.

I thought earth was only 6,000 years old?

Police Squad... totally funny

I'm glad Police Squad is getting it's just due after 20 years.

Capital On Strike

In the three months since the election, the broadest measure of the stock market's value, the Wilshire 5000 Index, has plunged more than 30%, slicing over $3 trillion from Americans' wealth. Investors have walked away from investing, while businesses shut down factories and offices and slash jobs.

This is both highly significant and dangerous. Capital, bluntly put, has gone on strike. Those who own wealth are pushing it to the sidelines, as a young and inexperienced president tries to jam through the most sweeping economic changes in over 70 years.

The prospect of these changes becoming law has already radically altered our nation's economy. Entrepreneurs and CEOs who once created new products, new services, jobs and trillions in wealth for America's workers and retirees now find themselves vilified and punished for their success.

ABC News reported this week that many upper-income taxpayers already are planning to cut back on work and investments to stay under $250,000 in income — the point where Obama's punitive taxes kick in. No one wins from this, yet Obama seems oblivious.

/as usual, IBD nails it, will Obama be too proud, at the nation's expense, to back off his ill timed, [expletive deleted] up, harmful agenda?

well, at least it's not Plan 9...

/don't think i ever saw this movie either

Anyone have a guess to where the bottom of the stock market tanking will be? I'm afraid to guess ... it's not predicted to get better soon.

Igneous Shell, Maximilian Shell's younger brother and another fine Austrian actor.

re: #6 redc1c4

It was a t.v. show

re: #9 BatGuano

It was a t.v. show

It was both

re: #5 Killian Bundy

Updinged in the Spinoffs.

re: #10 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

Police Squad? Why didn't I know that (rhetorical question). I must see it then.

re: #9 BatGuano

It was a t.v. show

But didn't it inspire like 3 movies? Seems I remeber something on that line, redc1c4...Oh, and good early morning, US Lizard nations peeps-at least those in the first 3 time zones. Good 'Whatever' to all others...when do we start talking guns, boobs, and getting punny?

re: #12 BatGuano

Police Squad? Why didn't I know that (rhetorical question). I must see it then.

The Naked Gun movies were all "From the files of Police Squad"

re: #8 HelloDare

Igneous Shell, Maximilian Shell's younger brother and another fine Austrian actor.

Damn! You beat me to it!

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious

financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered

several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and

distributed.



So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the

congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.



Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.



The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen

and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious

doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to

himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor

Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the

minister decided to let him try anyway.



He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars

stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the

results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.



Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately

asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last

week?'



Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my

sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I

collected on behalf of the church.'



'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
'You

are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'



Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the

Church last week?'



Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am
a

professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and

here's $280 I collected.'



The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are

truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'



Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie,
did

you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the

minister a large envelope.



The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the

minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting

that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one

week?'



Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in

unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10

times as many Bibles as we could.'



'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' said the minister who didn't want to

appear to be a greed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed
to

accomplish this, Louie.'



Louie sh rugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f
-for

sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.



Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell

us what you said to them when they answered the door!'



'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would

y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible

F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and

r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?'

re: #7 Mirage

Anyone have a guess to where the bottom of the stock market tanking will be? I'm afraid to guess ... it's not predicted to get better soon.

"0"?

re: #10 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

It was both

well, i didn't see either... %-)

re: #14 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

There is 98.7 % possibility that I was confused in the eighties, what what with all that blow and all, so now that that you mention the Naked Gun, all is coming into fuzzy focus.

A show I liked watching back in the day.

Hal, open the goddam pod bay doors or I'm going to come in there and kick your ass!

I loved the ending, of Police Squad, which was always a false "freeze-frame" -- the cops pretending to be frozen in time while something else continues as usual, such as a chimpanzee playing around in the background.

re: #5 Killian Bundy

Capital On Strike

A couple of trillion in bogus capital, evaporated. The remaining capital is still hiding in the cellar.

I'd like to suggest there is still TOO MUCH capital sloshing around the world - or else how could our fed get away with the zero percent interest rates right now?

These are crazy times.

re: #22 Mardukhai

I loved the ending, of Police Squad, which was always a false "freeze-frame" -- the cops pretending to be frozen in time while something else continues as usual, such as a chimpanzee playing around in the background.

I remember when the guy they arrested was unfrozen, but he was stuck wandering around the squadroom because all the doors were blocked.

re: #7 Mirage

Anyone have a guess to where the bottom of the stock market tanking will be? I'm afraid to guess ... it's not predicted to get better soon.

It'll probably be the day after I lose my house.

Monday: Pack up and head to the local shelter, cash gone and credit ruined.

Tuesday: Massive global rebound.

Anyone watch Flight of the Conchords?

re: #24 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

Yeah -- I always wanted someone to steal their pants when that happened.

Here's a bunch of Police Squad clips.

re: #7 Mirage

Anyone have a guess to where the bottom of the stock market tanking will be? I'm afraid to guess ... it's not predicted to get better soon.

I think we're close.

I hope we're close.

No guarantees.

re: #7 Mirage

It'll get a nice bounce once Teh Prez gets a month long case of laryngitis.

Anybody see Jonathan Krown, the 13 year old Conservative historian, writer, and thinker? Unbelievable...

re: #19 BatGuano

There is 98.7 % possibility that I was confused in the eighties, what what with all that blow and all, so now that that you mention the Naked Gun, all is coming into fuzzy focus.

i got blown a couple times in the 80's too!

/white smoke

re: #31 Mardukhai

Anybody see Jonathan Krown, the 13 year old Conservative historian, writer, and thinker? Unbelievable...

I don't want to sound overly skeptical, but come on now -- 13?

re: #32 redc1c4

i got blown a couple times in the 80's too!

/white smoke

I thought it was white lines...

re: #32 redc1c4

Rump-bump!

re: #23 itellu3times

A couple of trillion in bogus capital, evaporated.

/it's not bogus to Joe 401(K)

re: #33 Cognito

Cogito, he was on Fox News, he addressed the CPAC conference, and he just published his first book, an essay on Conservative ideas, which he boils down to four theses.

Started a betting pool at work ... what will the bottom of the stock market be before it rebounds ... one guy thinks it bottomed already, everyone else thinks it'll sink even lower.

The book is called "Conservative Ideas"

re: #29 itellu3times

I think we're close.

I hope we're close.

No guarantees.

i think that with the budget & the cap & trade fiasco on the horizon, we're still due for some more deep dives. if both of those pass pretty much as he wants them, 0 might not be the bottom.

re: #39 Mardukhai

The book is called "Conservative Ideas"

I just have a hard time believing in the wise council of someone who doesn't yet wear deodorant.

Cleaning windows (Van Morrison)

Whats my line?
I'm happy cleaning windows
Take my time
Ill see you when my love grows
Baby don't let it slide
I'm a working man in my prime
Cleaning windows...

/Namaste, Y'all

Counsel. Geez.

re: #32 redc1c4

I can still see through the white smoke you deviated prevert!

re: #37 Mardukhai

Cogito, he was on Fox News, he addressed the CPAC conference, and he just published his first book, an essay on Conservative ideas, which he boils down to four theses.

and he's likely a better writer than Ear Leader & his ghost...

/of course, my cat's likely a better writer than those two nit wits.

re: #41 Cognito

He's on You Tube as well. I was shocked. I don't agree with him on a lot of things, but he is better spoken than most other pundits because he is basically a teacher. I know, it's really strange, a thirteen year old sage.

re: #44 BatGuano

I can still see through the white smoke you deviated prevert!

you misspelled "septum"...

Actually, the kid reminds me of me, except I've always been interested in "bad ideas" -- ideas that could never be made to work.

re: #46 Mardukhai

He's on You Tube as well. I was shocked. I don't agree with him on a lot of things, but he is better spoken than most other pundits because he is basically a teacher. I know, it's really strange, a thirteen year old sage.

I searched for his name on YouTube, but didn't see anything... is there another term I should use?

Ah. I think it may be Jonathan Krohn.

Try [Link: www.defineconservatism.com...]

His name is actually spelled Jonathan Krohn.

Mark Steyn gave arguments why it had to be 6800, 6300, 6100, 5000, 3500, or 1000. His point being that nobody knows. His wider point being that the government keeps moving the goalposts and changing the rules, so that it is impossible that anybody can know what assets are worth. What they're worth depends on what the law is. How much is a barrel of oil worth? That depends on whether you're allowed to sell it, or if instead there's a carbon tax, punitive "windfall" profits taxes, or whatever. With less tangible assets, the problem is aggravated.

Now there will always be high rollers, unsure like everyone else of what stocks are worth, but willing to take a flyer. They, alone, are too few to sustain any particular floor. Before the market can make a bottom and hold, the government has to make a decision and let some of the failing companies fail. I can't name them here, and I don't really know anyhow, but there are some big names much in the news.

That would begin to clear the air.

Free Arbys', anyone...

Coupon

Supposed to be good thru the 9th.

BTW: if anyone wants my opinion, the Vista OS is an absolutely worthless POS.

And I got the name of the book wrong, it's Define Conservatism.

Even with yesterday's debacle, two of the most active stock options were GE MAR 10 CALL and BA MAR 5 CALL.

/a lot of traders were betting those two stocks are going to increase in value over the next 14 trading sessions

I'm listening to him now, at CPAC.

He's clearly a bright kid, a quick study, and he's been listening to some smart people. None of the ideas he's expressing are original, but that's okay -- he's a kid -- and I don't seriously think anyone sees him as a leader of any sort. I hope.

So he's kind of a show, right? Kind of like the little Chinese girls who play violin?

And now I must get back to work on my book about bad ideas in practice.

re: #54 redc1c4

Thanks, I had already written it off. I have not heard one good word about it.

re: #57 Cognito

I'm listening to him now, at CPAC.

He's clearly a bright kid, a quick study, and he's been listening to some smart people. None of the ideas he's expressing are original, but that's okay -- he's a kid -- and I don't seriously think anyone sees him as a leader of any sort. I hope.

So he's kind of a show, right? Kind of like the little Chinese girls who play violin?

The Chinese girls who play violin don't write books or hold their own in an intellectual forum. I've done both, and it isn't easy.

re: #53 Pietr

Free Arbys', anyone...

Coupon

Supposed to be good thru the 9th.

i'm trying to think where the nearest one is from my house... Van Nuys maybe? $3 worth of gas to get a $3 sandwich in a sketchy part of town.

/not exactly a bargain

re: #61 redc1c4

i'm trying to think where the nearest one is from my house... Van Nuys maybe? $3 worth of gas to get a $3 sandwich in a sketchy part of town.

/not exactly a bargain

Yep...Van Nuys and north of Victory.

re: #59 BatGuano

Thanks, I had already written it off. I have not heard one good word about it.

well, my 2K box decided to get st00pid fryday evening, and i'm still trying to get it unfucked, so until then, i'm stuck with this POS. i'm tempted to wipe this drive and reload 2K, but no sense playing like that until i have the other back up and running.

One more...
And It Stoned Me

Half a mile from the county fair
And the rain keep pourin' down
Me and Billy standin' there
With a silver half a crown
Hands are full of a fishin' rod
And the tackle on our backs
We just stood there gettin' wet
With our backs against the fence
Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Hope it don't rain all day

Namaste, for real, y'all

I got this Email-liked it...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion.

That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. We will take the small towns and rural areas and you can take the big cities, especially NYC, Chicago , San Francisco and Los Angeles . After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.

We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ...

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine , and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.

Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

re: #62 TheMatrix31

Yep...Van Nuys and north of Victory.

over on Sepulveda, IIRC: have a nosh and watch the w*rking girls.

re: #53 Pietr

Free Arbys', anyone...

Coupon

Supposed to be good thru the 9th.

Woot... lunch tomorrow :D

re: #61 redc1c4

i'm trying to think where the nearest one is from my house... Van Nuys maybe? $3 worth of gas to get a $3 sandwich in a sketchy part of town.

/not exactly a bargain

re: #66 redc1c4

over on Sepulveda, IIRC: have a nosh and watch the w*rking girls.

Heh...I don't like going into that part of town either. Lots of traffic from people who may or may not have car insurance.

/toss up

re: #65 Pietr

Morning Lizards. Saved and will be passing on.

re: #63 redc1c4

I started with windows 3.1 and gone through , 95, 98, and in 2004 loaded XP and will stay with it until there is a consensus that there is something better.

re: #65 Pietr

I got this Email-liked it...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion.

That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. We will take the small towns and rural areas and you can take the big cities, especially NYC, Chicago , San Francisco and Los Angeles . After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.

We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ...

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine , and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.

Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

One could only wish they'd take the deal... upding

re: #68 Cheechako

Need PIMF

I think I'll pass too. Would take a 100 mile ferry trip and 800 mile to the nearest ARBY's. Cost/benefit just doesn't work out.
(And I like ARBY's!)

I never thought I'd ever have to rely on Pelosi and Reid to cut up Obama's credit cards.

/cap and trade, if implemented, will be the death knell of our economy and our express ticket to Third World status

This Day in History, March 3:

re: #73 Cheechako

Need PIMF

I think I'll pass too. Would take a 100 mile ferry trip and 800 mile to the nearest ARBY's. Cost/benefit just doesn't work out.
(And I like ARBY's!)

They used to have a roast chicken with 3 melted cheese and bacon sandwich. I'd kill for one of those about now.

re: #70 Erik The Red

Morning Lizards. Saved and will be passing on.

Hey, Erik-missed you when I got back-no one was matching jokes/puns with me-I was the Lone Comic Relief (key 'Lone Ranger" theme...)... LOL.

re: #71 BatGuano

Windows 7 beta is getting good reviews.

We'll see how it pans out in the general release.

re: #73 Cheechako

Need PIMF

I think I'll pass too. Would take a 100 mile ferry trip and 800 mile to the nearest ARBY's. Cost/benefit just doesn't work out.
(And I like ARBY's!)

Love those French Freedom Dip & Swiss subs...

re: #77 Pietr

Hey, Erik-missed you when I got back-no one was matching jokes/puns with me-I was the Lone Comic Relief (key 'Lone Ranger" theme...)... LOL.

I am starting to run out of material. I will have to slow down a bit until I find another good source.

re: #36 Killian Bundy

/it's not bogus to Joe 401(K)

Call me Joe.

But most of the instruments that evaporated, were not owned in retail accounts. Now regular stocks are tanking, too, but that's a secondary effect. The issue on the table was whether "capital is on strike". When my retail account gets hit, that is not "capital on strike".

re: #76 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

They used to have a roast chicken with 3 melted cheese and bacon sandwich. I'd kill for one of those about now.

i saw a picture of a bacon double cheese burger made with grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns...

/health food!

re: #78 stevieray

Yuppers, I'm always skeptical. We'll see how the chimps they send up make out.

Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"

"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.

Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.

"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.

His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"

re: #75 gmsc

gmsc, am I the only one who finds it significant that BO takes office in a year with 3 FRIDAY the 13th's? I believe that is OUR bad luck, not his...:>((

Roy was entertaining a friend in his living room. They were talking about all sorts of things. Roy mentioned he had a very good cat but this cat had been acting strange lately. He was biting and chewing all of Roy's shoes.

He had just gone out and bought some new ones to replace the shoes the cat had destroyed. This morning Roy found that the cat got to his brand new shoes. Just then, the cat walked through the living room. His friend interrupted, saying, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

health food!

re: #85 Pietr

Eh?

Three explorers had arrived in Africa to explore territory that had never been seen by Europeans before. Immediately upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. After a few days, they had organized their supplies and secured trhe services of porters. They were ready at last!

Off they went into the jungle! They had a few days of travel before they got to the area they wished to explore. The travel went smoothly and uneventfully.

The day dawned when they began to travel into the unknown jungle. After a few hours travel, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, "He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!"

The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives' superstitions and the safari moved on. After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. As they looked up to see what it was, the sun was briefly hidden as an enormous bird flew overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird poop. The guide got even more excited when he saw this and began gesturing frantically at the explorer. The translator said, "That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! He says you must not wipe this off! If you leave it on and do not wash it off, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. But he says if you wipe it off, you will die horribly!"

"Nonsense!" said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. The natives began murmuring. They were very nervous. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. "There! You see? Nothing to worry about!" he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.

After the shock died down, the guide looked somewhat smug.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. "Poppycock!" said the second explorer. "That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird droppings becuase of some silly superstition!" He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn't even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.

After the shock died down, the guide again looked somewhat smug.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. The nervouse young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.

The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.

From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the foo shits, wear it.

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

/Bacon Explosion: The BBQ Sausage Recipe of all Recipes

re: #85 Pietr

gmsc, am I the only one who finds it significant that BO takes office in a year with 3 FRIDAY the 13th's? I believe that is OUR bad luck, not his...:>((

It's amusing to think about, and something to tag him with, but I don't know that I'd call it significant.

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

Wow...that looks so good. Not even being sarcastic.

re: #61 redc1c4

i'm trying to think where the nearest one is from my house... Van Nuys maybe? $3 worth of gas to get a $3 sandwich in a sketchy part of town.

/not exactly a bargain

You could email them the coupon and they email back the burger. :)

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

My arteries are screaming in agony from just looking at that. Whoa.

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

Dinner tomorrow.

Looks ultra yummy.

Paddy was on his deathbed. Mike was attending him. Paddy said, "remember when when we came here fifty years ago from the old country and we brought that bottle of Irish whiskey?"

Mike said, " Yes paddy."

"Well, when I am dead and buried, I want you to pour the rest of the bottle on my grave. Will you do that?"

" Yes Paddy. But do ya' mind if it passes through me kidney's first?"

re: #94 Cygnus

My arteries are screaming in agony from just looking at that. Whoa.

Need some Disco Fries to go with that.

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

That gets me hungry, but not for that sandwich. It makes me hungry for a Royal Red Robin Burger.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."

re: #90 Killian Bundy

/Bacon Explosion: The BBQ Sausage Recipe of all Recipes

that's one helluva fattie...

i take sausage rolls, Jimmey Dean, etc, and cover them in BBQ rub, then smoke them along with whatever's on the WSM, as a snack/hor d'ourve, but that's kicking it up a notch or two.

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

Anyone ever hear of the Heart Attack Grill?

re: #98 gmsc

That gets me hungry, but not for that sandwich. It makes me hungry for a Royal Red Robin Burger.

Fatburger makes several similar to that, but there's nothing like a Tommys Burger!

/shit: now i'm hungry

re: #87 redc1c4

health food!

The comments were the funny part...SNAKEJAWS...Bwwwaaahhaaahhaa...

re: #101 Mirage

Anyone ever hear of the Heart Attack Grill?

yes.

This is why you're fat.

re: #102 redc1c4

Fatburger makes several similar to that, but there's nothing like a Tommys Burger!

/shit: now i'm hungry

I've never been happy with the Fatburger versions - the Royal Red Robin is my favorite.

A Tommy's just opened near my house, and I tried their chiliburger. It was good, and would have no problem going there again, but it doesn't really stand out in my mind.

and then there's always Jack Mack and the Heart Attack

re: #89 Dustyvet

I've always said this-but I spoonerize a lot, Dusty...How are ya? and back at ya:

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The Father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and frantically starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking...

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"No," replied the woman. "Divorce Attorney."

re: #107 redc1c4

and then there's always Jack Mack and the Heart Attack

Is that why Mr. Jack Box is in the hospital?

Gulf TV in Hebrew seeks to educate Israelis on Islam

Leaders of the Support Prophet Mohammed Organization, based in the Gulf state Bahrain, stressed on Sunday the need to establish a TV channel in Hebrew to teach Israelis about Islam's values, the Dubai-based newspaper Gulf News reported.

The organization hopes that with the help of television, which they consider to be the most effective medium, and by using people familiar with Israeli society, they can present explanations about Islam to Jews and help them better appreciate the religion, the paper reported.

/I'm pretty sure that Israel gets all they need to know about Islam flying randomly out of Gaza on a daily basis

re: #106 gmsc

I've never been happy with the Fatburger versions - the Royal Red Robin is my favorite.

A Tommy's just opened near my house, and I tried their chiliburger. It was good, and would have no problem going there again, but it doesn't really stand out in my mind.

it's just indulgence... order extra chilli extra cheese.

better yet, just order extra everything. %-)

re: #111 redc1c4

it's just indulgence... order extra chilli extra cheese.

better yet, just order extra everything. %-)

I'll try that next time!

and, for something a bit different, you can always get one of Mike's Hockey Burgers

re: #112 gmsc

I'll try that next time!

then wear your trashy clothes... you'll have stuff everywhere. %-)

re: #112 gmsc

I'll try that next time!

Nutritional Facts - Chili Burger

/nothing says take the cap off the salt shaker like Sodium: 1020mg

gmsc's money tips #13:

One of the most basic pieces of monetary advice, saving (as suggested in the reference I mention in my very first money tips post), isn't always easy. True, paying yourself first is a good idea, but are there any other ways to help you save?

You bet! Here are some handy "hacks" (clever ways) to help you save money!

Get Rich Slowly gives us 11 sure-fire ways to jump start your savings (with a hat tip to Dana Bratch at MSN Money).

Once you've jump-started your savings, how do you keep doing it? Digerati Life has 15 excellent suggestions for paying yourself first, and Lifehacker offers 10 more suggestions.

Those of you who frequently give in to impulse buys will especially enjoy the 30-day rule.

Although they're not focused exclusively on savings, The Simple Dollar has some hacks for your wallet to help you save time and money. My favorite suggestion here is the one about wrapping a picture of your goal or inspiration around your credit card.

A trucker pulls into a truck stop and orders a piece of apple pie and a glass of milk. It is served to him but a biker grabs the piece of pie and eats it and another biker drinks his milk. The truck driver, without a word, pays the bill and walks out.

One of the bikers says to waitress," Not much of a man, was he?

The waitress says looking out the window,"Not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over two motorcycles".

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtennn
An impressive new book.. It's called ...
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once...
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11.. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.

re: #115 Killian Bundy

Nutritional Facts - Chili Burger

/nothing says take the cap off the salt shaker like Sodium: 1020mg

all you health fanatics are going to feel really stupid lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

re: #101 Mirage

Anyone ever hear of the Heart Attack Grill?

My small, little dream. I'll visit it one day. And not just for the food.

Interesting Comparison

Which of these spent more political contribution and lobbying money in the last election cycle:

• Two largest defense contractors
• Four largest oil companies
• Two largest teachers unions

Yes, it was the teachers. I am sure it was for the kids, though. This actually understates the teacher’s efforts. The corporate donations of the oil and defense companies are spread pretty evenly between both parties. They are simply trying to buy access. The teachers gave their money almost entirely to the Democrats.

re: #119 redc1c4

Shit! If only you smoked, we'd have the technology to save you.

/stole that joke

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the
problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my
homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it
in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,
the plane was hijacked."

re: #122 Slumbering Behemoth

Shit! If only you smoked, we'd have the technology to save you.

/stole that joke

he was a funny guy, for a liberal.

re: #123 Erik The Red

Damn, I can't do two up-dings.

Well, so far, the U.S, market futures aren't rolling over yet.

/but you're not getting anywhere close to yesterday's 300 points back either

re: #127 Killian Bundy

Perhaps if Obama would keep his his mouth shut there might be a rebound across the board.

re: #120 Slumbering Behemoth

My small, little dream. I'll visit it one day. And not just for the food.

Wow...and the best buns in this were at about 3:26, with red crosses on them...LOL.

Infidel!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any
Jewish rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
shit but me.'

re: #128 BatGuano

Perhaps if Obama would keep his his mouth shut there might be a rebound across the board.

/gee, what are the chances of that happening?

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old
man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

re: #127 Killian Bundy

The Dow will probably close up $.08 later on today and the media will credit 0bama's leadership for the 'rally'...

An old man goes into a drug store and says

'Can I have 6 Viagra tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '

But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros
and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Take note:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

re: #132 Killian Bundy

Let me get out my calculator punch in a few numbers...NONE! OY.

A PGA professional golfer, in an awful car crash, was rushed to the
hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost his right arm, but that
he had good news.

The despondent pro said, "There goes my life, Doc."

"Not necessarily, my good man." answered the doctor. He said that a lady, a very nice lady, before dying had donated all of her organs and body
parts to anyone who was in need. The surgeon said he could transplant the
lady's right arm to the pro golfer.

The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success.

Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him his new hand and
arm had him winning tournaments right and left.

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a thousand percent,
I've also taken up oil painting and sold my first canvas for $3000.00."

"Unbelievable. " said the doctor. "I'm so glad the transplant was such a
success."

"But there is one problem." the golf pro said.

"What's that?" asked the surgeon.

"Every time I touch my privates, I get a horrible headache.

OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a (written just like that)

Leah? NO

Lee - A? NOPE

Lay - a? NO

Lei? Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes, you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see
something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce
it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, 'The dash don't be silent.'

re: #125 redc1c4

Yer too kind in your assessment. He's more a troofer than a liberal. Still, he was quite funny. Being a smoker, I do give him props on that subject.

/not a prophet, just a funny guy

re: #139 Pietr

OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a (written just like that)

Leah? NO

Lee - A? NOPE

Lay - a? NO

Lei? Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes, you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see
something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce
it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, 'The dash don't be silent.'

That is a joke right?

Did I just hear Beck say that if Jesus spent a million dollars per hour til now, it still wouldn't reach the $10.5 trillion that the stock market has lost since it's peak in October 2007!?

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The
usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the
problem, the usher says to the man, "Let them go first. You wouldn't want
to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

re: #134 Fenway_Nation

The Dow will probably close up $.08 later on today and the media will credit 0bama's leadership for the 'rally'...

Well, $.08 would about sum up 0bama's leadership qualities.
;)

re: #144 gmsc

I think you're giving him too much credit.

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome,
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to
the point where he invited her back to his apartment; and after some small
talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

"So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This
time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of passion. The love
making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks,

"You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping
bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks,

"You finish?"

"No!" she shouts back, "I Sveedish!"

re: #129 Pietr

Hot cross buns?

/diggin' real deep for a joke...

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in
a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until
you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and
tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father," replied the nun, "it was
what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

To which the priest replied, "How much did you win?"

re: #141 Erik The Red

That is a joke right?

i can believe it's real...

re: #141 Erik The Red

Not sure, but I don't have a link for an article...just something I saved, tho I've seen it b4...

re: #144 gmsc

Well, $.08 would about sum up 0bama's leadership qualities.
;)

you'd be overpaying.

re: #141 Erik The Red

At first glance it might appear to be. But I read at NRO some women wanted to name their girl children, Vagina.

re: #145 Fenway_Nation

I think you're giving him too much credit.

GMTA!

re: #142 TheMatrix31

I think it was a million dollars per year.

re: #139 Pietr

OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a (written just like that)

Leah? NO

Lee - A? NOPE

Lay - a? NO

Lei? Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes, you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see
something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce
it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, 'The dash don't be silent.'

You asked how I would pronounce it, though. I would pronounce it "Lee - A". The mom doesn't like it? That's her problem. Give the kid a name that's easier for people to read and understand.

When that singer with the name spelled "Sade" came out, I always pronounced it as "Say-dee". Yes, people would correct me and say it's pronounced, "Shar-Day". I would always respond, "Hey, it's not my problem she can't spell correctly."

re: #149 redc1c4

i can believe it's real...

re: #150 Pietr

Not sure, but I don't have a link for an article...just something I saved, tho I've seen it b4...

re: #152 BatGuano

At first glance it might appear to be. But I read at NRO some women wanted to name their girl children, Vagina.

The parents should be put in jail for child abuse. Some people are just fucking stupid.

re: #145 Fenway_Nation

I think you're giving him too much credit.

But I hear 0bama is big on giving people unearned credit!
;)

re: #155 gmsc

Hear, hear! I loved her music though.

re: #144 gmsc

Well, $.08 would about sum up 0bama's leadership qualities.
;)

Giving him too much credit.

From a job interview:

Interviewer: "And where were you educated?"

Interviewee: "Yale."

Interviewer: "That's very impressive, Mr. . . . I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Interviewee: "Yim Yohnson."

Fake? You decide...

Actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the February 5th edition of the
Wichita Falls , Texas Times Record News...

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Ed Barnett

Wichita Falls

re: #145 Fenway_Nation

I think you're giving him too much credit.

Ahh, beat me to it

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

re: #154 BatGuano

I think it was a million dollars per year.

That was regarding the stimulus bill, the one I heard about the hour (not million-per-day) is about the 10.5 trillion dollar loss in the markets since Oct 07.

re: #156 Erik The Red

The parents should be put in jail for child abuse. Some people are just fucking stupid.

my dad claimed that one of his college friends, a chem major, named his daughter polly etheylene...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some --- has stolen our tent."

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

re: #164 TheMatrix31

That's very different. Never mind.

Heh. She's the reason for the word...

G'nite Lizards.

re: #157 gmsc

Unless you're being treated at the University of Chicago medical Center.

re: #156 Erik The Red

The parents should be put in jail for child abuse. Some people are just fucking stupid.

Many of these are urban legends, although some are real, according to this page on Snopes.

Womens prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

Mans prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Amen.

re: #173 Erik The Red

Mans prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Amen.

Mandy & Sharmuta are gonna get you for that.

re: #171 gmsc

Many of these are urban legends, although some are real, according to this page on Snopes.

lol some pretty dumbass people out there.

re: #175 Erik The Red

lol some pretty dumbass people out there.

you're just *now* figuring that out?

re: #174 redc1c4

Mandy & Sharmuta are gonna get you for that.

ROTFL. Morning 2M and Sharmuta.

something to do today while the market crashes

re: #174 redc1c4

Charles, remove my up-ding before Mandy and Sharmuta see it. There's a good boy. Thank you.

There was a couple that lived in my neighborhood as a kid that had twin boys.

The mother didn't care for cutsey stuff like dressing them the same. As a matter of fact, she absolutely refused to give her twin boys rhyming names when they were born.

Her idea was to give them distinct, normal-sounding, non-rhyming names. When the twins were born she named one Matthew and the other Patrick.

This worked well until they started attending school. Ever since then, they've been referred to as Matt and Pat!

re: #172 Erik The Red

Womens prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

which is why women should get dogs instead of cats or boy friends.

One more, then I'm out for real.

G'nite.

G'night ya'll.

re: #182 Slumbering Behemoth

One more, then I'm out for real.

G'nite.

re: #183 BatGuano

G'night ya'll.

Goodnight, SB and BG!

Serious terror attack in Pakistan, directed at the Sri Lankan cricket team. This is huge -- cricket is practically a religion in the subcontinent -- the accepted wisdom always was that Al Qaeda wouldn't attack cricketers because they love the game too. Even the Taliban didn't try very hard to ban cricket.

The upshot? No international cricket tours to Pakistan for the foreseeable, further denting its economy, and a realisation among people in Pakistan that they really will have to get serious about these nutters or risk losing everything.

[Link: news.bbc.co.uk...]

[Link: blogs.news.com.au...]

re: #180 gmsc

Any parent should run potential names by a non-emotionally invested 3rd party to see if they see problems. Mainly of the "he's gonna get his ass kicked for all 12 years of school with that name" type problem.

re: #185 DocDale

Serious terror attack in Pakistan, directed at the Sri Lankan cricket team. This is huge -- cricket is practically a religion in the subcontinent -- the accepted wisdom always was that Al Qaeda wouldn't attack cricketers because they love the game too. Even the Taliban didn't try very hard to ban cricket.

The upshot? No international cricket tours to Pakistan for the foreseeable, further denting its economy, and a realisation among people in Pakistan that they really will have to get serious about these nutters or risk losing everything.

[Link: news.bbc.co.uk...]

[Link: blogs.news.com.au...]

i doubt they will be smart enough to draw the conclusions.

re: #186 ArchangelMichael

Any parent should run potential names by a non-emotionally invested 3rd party to see if they see problems. Mainly of the "he's gonna get his ass kicked for all 12 years of school with that name" type problem.

anyone smart enough to do that, wouldn't likely name their kid anything st00pid. some cultures are not as wise as others.

re: #186 ArchangelMichael

Any parent should run potential names by a non-emotionally invested 3rd party to see if they see problems. Mainly of the "he's gonna get his ass kicked for all 12 years of school with that name" type problem.

I think Sue would disagree- I mean he turned out just fine.

Hey everyone, just popping in after (mostly) finishing my online physics homework that was due at 11:pm PST

Cricinfo willing to use the 'T' word:

[Link: www.cricinfo.com...]

Say, I was recently nominated as webmaster for the college republicans here at OregonStateUniversity. This other guy I know well but has less time than I do was helping me a little with it and drupal. Later on I was looking at Joomla instead because of its potentially faster set up time. Any thoughts on this?

BTW the URL is [Link: crosu.org...] so far I have not changed the background to the theme, just pretend you see a nice pretty picture of the American flag there.

re: #190 hypothetical truth

Hey everyone, just popping in after (mostly) finishing my online physics homework that was due at 11:pm PST

i had algebra due tonight... worst part of the course is knowing that, at my age, i really don't need to know any of this i don't already know, and that i will *never* use this crap, but if i don't pass, i don't get the degree and the j*b that comes with it. hell, i don't even really want the j*b, but who can afford to be picky in these times?

i HATE useless BS.

Good morning, afternoon, evening *everyone*!™

Fruitcup is on the buffet --->
Help yourselves!

re: #194 littleoldlady

Good morning, afternoon, evening *everyone*!™

Fruitcup is on the buffet --->
Help yourselves!

Good morning, YOL! (Yummy Old Lady!)
;)

As it is the website is in Drupal right now... this other guy did the setting up, I tried to follow... Drupal seems really complicated.

gmsc! :-)

Yeah, I saw where you guyz weren't behaving upstream. ;-)

re: #194 littleoldlady

Did my St. Bernard w/the empty flask on his collar arrive yet?

re: #194 littleoldlady

Good morning, afternoon, evening *everyone*!™

Fruitcup is on the buffet --->
Help yourselves!

{lol} Morning and thanks

re: #194 littleoldlady

Good morning, afternoon, evening *everyone*!™

Fruitcup is on the buffet --->
Help yourselves!

lol, you are an inspiation in these trying times. Your dedication in this weather is above and beyond, but then again---

re: #197 littleoldlady

gmsc! :-)

Yeah, I saw where you guyz weren't behaving upstream. ;-)

Hey no boobies today at least:)

re: #193 redc1c4

Ha, don't talk to me about useless classes... try to imagine me taking a sociology class... or a biology class.. For Mechanical Engineering! Jeez. Hated both classes and both teachers were flakes. even though I did fairly well in them.. heh.

Fenway! :-)

Goofy storm we had. All drifts! Luckily most of it blew OFF the driveway.

/but where the dog likes to do "her business" she's kinda up to her neck.

The good news is March snowstorms tend to disappear quickly.

Erik! :-)

re: #200 Panhandler

Panhandler! :-)

Yeah. Substitute our dog in that picture. ;-)

re: #17 redc1c4

"0"?

Equity can't be valued at 0, so no :P

re: #202 hypothetical truth

Ha, don't talk to me about useless classes... try to imagine me taking a sociology class... or a biology class.. For Mechanical Engineering! Jeez. Hated both classes and both teachers were flakes. even though I did fairly well in them.. heh.

my anthro 101 teacher went on at length about how the rich were bankrolling the NASA exploration of Mars, because they've destroyed Earth with global warming, but that they're going to have to induce global warming on Mars to make it habitable so they can escape and leave the rest of us to die...

re: #205 Dekar

Equity can't be valued at 0, so no :P

what if there's no equity left?

re: #203 littleoldlady

Fenway! :-)

Goofy storm we had. All drifts! Luckily most of it blew OFF the driveway.

/but where the dog likes to do "her business" she's kinda up to her neck.

The good news is March snowstorms tend to disappear quickly.

it was mid 80's here this weekend... had the top down on the SLK while out driving...

drank lots of beer while gardening too! %-)

/white smoke

re: #205 Dekar

Equity can't be valued at 0, so no :P

0 equity

re: #206 redc1c4

my anthro 101 teacher went on at length about how the rich were bankrolling the NASA exploration of Mars, because they've destroyed Earth with global warming, but that they're going to have to induce global warming on Mars to make it habitable so they can escape and leave the rest of us to die...

So much for that theory: Climate change hits Mars

re: #206 redc1c4

HAHAHAhahahaha! Ok, you win. My biology teacher only had us watch An Inconvenient Truth in class, then turn in a 11 question thing on it the next week. I wish I knew where that paper was, I wrote down some good stuff in there.

At the end of the term I gave her a copy of The Great Global Warming Swindle I had downloaded and put on CD for her.

re: #208 redc1c4

SLK huh, I can see why you don't go to Arbys

re: #201 Erik The Red

Hey no boobies today at least:)

tit's still early!

re: #202 hypothetical truth

My kid is taking some kind of art appreciation class as part of her college required courses. I call it "Basketweaving 101".

re: #208 redc1c4

SHADDUP!

Hiya, red! ;-)

re: #212 Panhandler

SLK huh, I can see why you don't go to Arbys

HER SLK... i drive a beat up pickup.

re: #214 littleoldlady

My kid is taking some kind of art appreciation class as part of her college required courses. I call it "Basketweaving 101".

i'm taking "English Composition"...

/coals to newcastle

Got screwed on UCLA's registration system AGAIN and ended up having to add a BS class that I don't want to take...

**sigh**

re: #214 littleoldlady

Yeah, they call those 'electives' or your 'free classes' basically they have to be in a certain category (like Difference Power and Discrimination) and always have nothing to do with your degree. Something to do with Well Rounding you off or something... maybe white guilt?

re: #215 littleoldlady

SHADDUP!

Hiya, red! ;-)

got hummers up the waz too... they've been drinking like me on... well, most any time. %-)

re: #217 redc1c4

i'm taking "English Composition"...

/coals to newcastle

Oh, "composition", I thought you said--

I hope the radicals are happy now in Pakistan. No World Cup in 2011

I don't know why I torture myself like this every day by staying up late... maybe its the programmer in me. (most likely, I love programming)

BTW: did i share the good news?

Hurry up and post! I'm still pumped up that the answer for one of my physics problems was 7^2*length based on the conservation of energy law.

re: #223 hypothetical truth

I don't know why I torture myself like this every day by staying up late... maybe its the programmer in me. (most likely, I love programming)

like Hunter said, it's hard to soar with the turkeys in the morning when you wallow with the eagles at night.

/or something like that. %-)

re: #225 hypothetical truth

Hurry up and post! I'm still pumped up that the answer for one of my physics problems was 7^2*length based on the conservation of energy law.

are you sure that was the answer?

i got 32, because ice cream has no bones.

re: #219 hypothetical truth

Oh no! It's a requirement, under the category of Humanities.

/feh

She ran out of all the English and History classes that are required and that she's good at. Now she's stuck with Chemistry and Statistics for next year.

/probably should have taken them first. I would have only had to pay for ONE semester of college before she threw in the towel...

re: #224 redc1c4

Grreat news. Reminds me of when the Navy Retirement people called me and said "Sir, could you send us some paperwork, the computer lost 17 years of your records."

re: #224 redc1c4

BTW: did i share the good news?

Congrats you old fart :)

re: #224 redc1c4

Kewl!

/got pension? ;-)

while we're on the subject of requirements, WTF is "modern language"?

re: #224 redc1c4

BTW: did i share the good news?

Congrats, you old fart!
;)

re: #231 littleoldlady

Kewl!

/got pension? ;-)

when i turn 60, if i'm still alive... i'll be rolling in the dough.

pension

re: #230 Erik The Red

Congrats you old fart :)

re: #233 gmsc

Congrats, you old fart!
;)

GMTA - even if you did beat me by 46 seconds!

re: #229 Panhandler

Grreat news. Reminds me of when the Navy Retirement people called me and said "Sir, could you send us some paperwork, the computer lost 17 years of your records."

originally, they told me i had 19 years, 9 months and 12 days good out of 20, 19 and 15, or some such. the new CSM kicks some SERIOUS ass.

re: #228 littleoldlady

Oh no! It's a requirement, under the category of Humanities.

/feh

She ran out of all the English and History classes that are required and that she's good at. Now she's stuck with Chemistry and Statistics for next year.

/probably should have taken them first. I would have only had to pay for ONE semester of college before she threw in the towel...

i can relate: i'm ready to quit on a daily/weekly basis.

if i was supposed to have patients, i'd be a hospital, not w*rk in one.

re: #227 redc1c4

The problem read...

An object at rest on a flat, horizontal surface explodes into two fragments, one seven times as massive as the other. The heavier fragment slides 6.50meters before stopping. How far does the lighter fragment slide? (assume that both fragments have the same coefficient of kinetic friction)

Fun problem, 5min of thinking and I figured it out, I like easy problems. Easy problems are few and far between for me theses days :/

re: #234 redc1c4

when i turn 60, if i'm still alive... i'll be rolling in the dough.

pension

hmmm musta thought it was code: lets just say it's south of $300/month.

it'll cover my cheap beer habit, but not the good stuff.

re: #235 gmsc

GMTA - even if you did beat me by 46 seconds!

Been trying to work out what GMTA means?

re: #238 hypothetical truth

The problem read...

Fun problem, 5min of thinking and I figured it out, I like easy problems. Easy problems are few and far between for me theses days :/

did yuo allow for ricochets, spall liners and reactive armor?

re: #236 redc1c4

Good on ya, in my case the system would accept any 1 year but would dump the data when they tried to run a total. I'm sitting there with a green ID card in my wallet going "What the hey?". Took 2 years to straighten out.

re: #240 Erik The Red

Been trying to work out what GMTA means?

GMTA=Great Minds Think Alike!

re: #240 Erik The Red

Been trying to work out what GMTA means?

Greenwich Mean Time Adjusted?

/white smoke

re: #243 gmsc

GMTA=Great Minds Think Alike!

Thanks lol.

re: #245 Erik The Red

Thanks lol.

You're welcome.