Heh.

"Don't let your phone ring suspensefully two or three times."

heh

I posted this link last night. It gets all of the horror/suspense movie cliches just right.

If only the drug that lowers sexual expectations were real.

Best teaser of the day: A new ED drug that works by lowering womens' expectations. Now, that's one for the books.

Vogons! The poetry will be next.

re: #6 drogheda

So long, and thanks for the fish.

re: #7 lawhawk

Don't Panic!

Oooh, suspenseful!

That Andrea Bennett looks like Monica Lewinsky after NutriSystem.

Why is that guy standing by the edge of the woods have a hockey mask on?

Panicked people puting party picnic plates pensively.

on the crawl:
St. Peterburg grandfather dies in captivity.
I drove behind that guy!!

re: #10 Sharmuta

Why is that guy standing by the edge of the woods have a hockey mask on?

Oh, hi, Jason!

Totally think the source is the investigative reporter reading secret files.

re: #2 Fat Bastard Vegetarian

"Don't let your phone ring suspensefully two or three times."

heh

Get out now! The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

I guess with cell phones that isn't as relevant as it used to be.

Heh, I liked the ending.

Tell me that woman at second 28 of the video doesn't look and sound like Nancy Pelosi.

I hope the new overlords will play TOOL.

re: #8 Mad Al-Jaffee

Don't Panic!

In large friendly letters.

re: #18 Cannadian Club Akbar

Saw Tool live once.

re: #15 Mad Al-Jaffee

Get out now! The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

I guess with cell phones that isn't as relevant as it used to be.

"When Michael Calls"

Do you hear that sound Mr anderson.
That is the sound of inevitability.
That is the sound of your doom.
Goodbye Mr. Anderson. /Agent Smith

. 'It sure is quiet.'

'Yeah ... too quiet.'

re: #20 Fat Bastard Vegetarian

Saw Tool live once.

Me too. In my top 3.

Twilight Zone's The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street

re: #24 Cannadian Club Akbar

Wasn't a fan when I went in.

Left a fan.

I have seen a girl from a local CBS station from years back on The Onion, but never found her in the list of reporters. Fake name possibly.

I'm always amazed how good the acting, sets, effects and overall production is on these videos. Sketch comedy shows could really learn a lot from them.

Cute. The stop button doesn't work during the Coke commercials.

If this was a segment on Fox, everyone would be calling for a boycott on Coke Zero.

re: #30 Walter L. Newton

If this was a segment on Fox, everyone would be calling for a boycott on Coke Zero.

If it was on MSNBC, people would have thought it was true. Then blamed Bush for the loss of the live feed.

re: #30 Walter L. Newton

If this was a segment on Fox, everyone would be calling for a boycott on Coke Zero.

This is amazingly like a Glenn Beck segment, except it's supposed to be funny.

I wonder if eerie music could be converted to hip-hop or rap. You never see those guys use it for sampling. Eminem's gonna jump up, jump up and say BOO!

You can't make a horror movie with black people in it 'cuz the movie'd stop, you'd see (perjoritive deleted) runnin' down the street, the movie's over! That's the movie. You can't have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. ... Brothers won't sit on the toilet. ... Movie be just like this: [brother's voice] "Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin' up here, kids outside playin', it's a beautiful neighborhood, I really love - this is beaut--" [demonic whisper] "Get out!" [brother's voice] "Too bad we can't stay."

-Eddie Murphy

re: #34 Fat Bastard Vegetarian

Richard Pryor's bit about The Exorcist was much funnier (but I liked the Eddie Murphy bit.)

And his "Dracula and wino" bit is a classic.

25 Simple Steps to a More Perfect World

1. No more bathroom attendants. They're just creepy. And hell, no more charging money for stuff that used to be free. Now give us our little bag of peanuts, airlines.

2. Carpentry, plumbing, and electrical courses would be mandatory for all boys in middle school.

3. Scarlett Johansson would replace Jackson on the $20 bill.

4. Basketball players wouldn't be able to call a timeout as they're heading out of bounds. They'd need to be in total control. Come to think of it, timeouts would be banned entirely. Life doesn't have them.

5. All base runners would score on a ground-rule double.

6. All of the following would be tax deductible: TV sports packages; alcoholic beverages; mechanical timepieces; shoe shines; and all costs related to the pursuit of sex, up to and including Porsches.

7. Icing the kicker or free-throw shooter would be outlawed. Just play the damn game.

8. Caddies would be prohibited on the PGA Tour. No other athlete has a butler/shrink on the field with him. Conning out distances is a fundamental skill of the game; so is picking the correct club. We'd deep-six the 150-yard marker, too.

9. If you bathe your coach in Gatorade, you also forfeit the game.

10. Men would be permitted to admit uncertainty, and women would find this hot.

11. Movie reviewers would be forbidden to call a flick the funniest movie of the year until the following year.

12. Women would start with the climax of their stories, and then go back to fill in the details (if we ask).

13. If you setout to climb Mt. Hood wearing shorts and sandals, and then have to be rescued by 12 men, two helicopters, and a team of huskies, your marginal tax rate would be raised to 81 percent until you've repaid the cost of being an idiot.

14. All cable providers would carry a Salma Hayek channel.

15. Those little ketchup and mustard packets would be twice as big.

16. A 25-handicapper would not be allowed to pace off approach-shot yardage. (Just put the ball in the air, bucko.)

17. All gutters would self-clean.

18. Parents would strive to give their children self-reliance instead of self-esteem.

19. Singing "Happy Birthday" at the office (with or without cake) would result in immediate termination.

20. Every fifth year would be free of federal income taxes.

21. Volunteering to slather sunscreen on women in the park would finally be seen for what it is: community service in cancer prevention.

22. Dads would stop complaining that refs never call traveling.

23. Alternatively, refs would start to call traveling.

24. A 20-yard field goal would be worth 3 points, but a 50-yarder just 1. Try throwing the ball, coach!

25. Parent-teacher nights would come with nachos and tequila shooters.

"Following complaints, government no longer to hold Town Hall meetings during hours in which sane people are at work."

Heh.

I understood the Coke commercial; I think.

re: #10 Sharmuta

Why is that guy standing by the edge of the woods have a hockey mask on?

Jason?

I can see the White House from my window. Hundreds of staffers are running out covering their ears. Is this the source?

I love these Onion Feeds, thanks Charles.

I would like to nominate "screaming and laughing with the hubris of youth" as a rotating title thingy.

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -

The Onion does it again! LOL!