Cracked: The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

Humor • Views: 7,349

Here’s a hilarious piece at cracked.com on The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time.

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was running. If you’re wondering how a guy we’re calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it’s because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you’re wondering why he did that, it’s because he was a f*cking lunatic.

Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his “habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions.” Or in other words, the man was a loose canon—17th Century Washington’s answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn’t have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.

How do we know? Well, despite everyone’s best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn’t busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven’t been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100’s, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.

On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn’t important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We’re gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that’s why his face isn’t on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson’s body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of “time not dueling,” Jackson’s least favorite category.

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Last updated: 2023-04-04 11:11 am PDT
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