Onion: Tragic Death Could Not Have Been Averted

Charles Johnsonfollow me on twitter
Humor • Fri Mar 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm PST • Views: 224
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98 comments

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1 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:52:01pm

DARWIN!

2 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:54:20pm

The picture with the lump did it for me.

3 Cato the Elder  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:54:30pm

The Onion knows the meaning of the word "tragic"! I'll be damned!

4 Kragar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:54:54pm

"We never thought a 300 pound python would bring us anything but joy."

5 Charles Johnson  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:55:05pm

"You never think that a 20-foot python is gonna bring your family anything but joy."

6 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:55:18pm

THERAPY SNAKE!!!

7 Charles Johnson  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:55:26pm

Hah!

8 Varek Raith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:55:43pm

Rofl...

9 Charles Johnson  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:56:00pm

Some of the people posting comments at Dangerous Minds could use a therapy snake.

10 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:56:36pm

re: #5 Charles

"You never think that a 20-foot python is gonna bring your family anything but joy."

My Nephew would argue you on that, he has more snakes and lizards than any I know. Personally I can't stand the things! Bleaugh!

11 lawhawk  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:56:46pm

Guilt your kids into dropping out of college...

12 Kragar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:56:57pm

Now the sad thing is I actually know some parents who could be those 2.

13 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:57:23pm

re: #9 Charles

Some of the people posting comments at Dangerous Minds could use a therapy snake.

Hey, maybe I could get my Nephew to send them one! No? Darn...*sigh*

14 lawhawk  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:58:38pm

The python's name was Jaws? /ouch!

15 Learned Mother of Zion  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:58:50pm

This is Mookie, my newest granddaughter.

Her parents do not even own a goldfish.

16 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:00pm

Onion at its darkest.

17 SanFranciscoZionist  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:03pm

I just like the concept of a 'therapy snake'.

Of course, snake lovers argue that all snakes are therepeutic.

18 Varek Raith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:06pm

re: #10 Dragon_Lady

My Nephew would argue you on that, he has more snakes and lizards than any I know. Personally I can't stand the things! Bleaugh!

First bugs, now snakes. *Shakes head disapprovingly*
/
;)

19 Feline Emperor of the Conservative Waste  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:15pm

Eve obeyed the instructions of a scaly one and look where that got us...

/

20 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:40pm

re: #15 Alouette

This is Mookie, my newest granddaughter.

Her parents do not even own a goldfish.

Mazel Tov!

21 Mad Al-Jaffee  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 12:59:58pm

re: #10 Dragon_Lady

My Nephew would argue you on that, he has more snakes and lizards than any I know. Personally I can't stand the things! Bleaugh!

And yet your name is Dragon Lady. :)

22 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:00:19pm

re: #17 SanFranciscoZionist

I just like the concept of a 'therapy snake'.

Of course, snake lovers argue that all snakes are therepeutic.

Hey baby my snake is therepudic :)

23 lawhawk  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:01:58pm

re: #22 LudwigVanQuixote

/in bed!

24 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:02:52pm

re: #21 Mad Al-Jaffee

And yet your name is Dragon Lady. :)

Well it was supposed to be Lady_Dragon, but RWC's a little dyslexic ;) Besides when I'm on the range I tend to be a bit on the fire breathing side, especially when a .45 gets pointed at me!

25 Not Sold In Stores! Act NOW!  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:03:05pm

Zack dressed up like a bunny is too much. What could possibly go wrong? Satire at it's best. Onion is early Mad magazine squared.

26 darthstar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:03:19pm

"we were very protective...we never let him go by the pool without either an adult or the snake to watch him..." That, and the "I wouldn't have gone shopping...and to a movie...if I thought this could happen." Both made me laugh.

27 Kragar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:03:42pm

I came across this old Onion gem the other day and broke out laughing

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

28 Millicent Islam  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:04:43pm

re: #22 LudwigVanQuixote

Hey baby my snake is therepudic :)

Now THAT'S an inspired typo. :)

29 Mad Al-Jaffee  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:05:00pm

I wish I could watch these videos at work (and that The Onion wasn't blocked here.)

30 Shiplord Kirel  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:05:19pm

re: #15 Alouette

What a cutie! Grandchildren are the big pay-off.

31 Judith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:05:20pm

i'd laugh but I recall more than one incident in the news of exactly this event so I can't.

32 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:05:20pm

re: #28 iceweasel

Now THAT'S an inspired typo. :)

was it a typo ?

33 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:06:02pm

re: #10 Dragon_Lady

My Nephew would argue you on that, he has more snakes and lizards than any I know. Personally I can't stand the things! Bleaugh!

I prefer little furry mammels.

34 Millicent Islam  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:06:38pm

re: #32 LudwigVanQuixote

was it a typo ?

Therapudic for therapeutic?

35 Randall Gross  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:07:57pm

If you haven't seen the "forgeddabout the friggen fish" Glen Beck segment, it's a must see. I laughed my ass off

[Link: latimesblogs.latimes.com...]

36 Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:08:19pm

man, where's Samuel L. Jackson when you need him?

and because it fits, here's the Olig XKCD

37 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:08:29pm

re: #33 ggt

I prefer little furry mammels.

Oh yeah, me too! As a matter of fact there are three of them running around here. Ooops, sorry make that sleeping...

38 Kragar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:08:33pm

re: #33 ggt

I prefer little furry mammels.

in bed.

39 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:08:49pm

re: #38 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

in bed.

Eeeewww!

40 Mad Al-Jaffee  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:09:40pm

Time for me to go home. Have a great Daylight Savings Time weekend everyone!

41 Varek Raith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:10:31pm

re: #40 Mad Al-Jaffee

Time for me to go home. Have a great Daylight Savings Time weekend everyone!

They can take my free time from me cold dead hands!!!
...Have a safe commute!

42 _RememberTonyC  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:10:38pm

At least the little fella was saved from being homeschooled by those two :)

43 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:10:57pm

re: #38 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

in bed.

eeeuuuccch!

44 Guanxi88  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:10:58pm

re: #6 LudwigVanQuixote

THERAPY SNAKE!!!

Like in Taffey Lewis' club, or some other kinda therapy?

45 _RememberTonyC  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:11:40pm

Tiger Woods told all of his floozies that he had a "therapy snake."

46 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:12:14pm

re: #15 Alouette

This is Mookie, my newest granddaughter.

Her parents do not even own a goldfish.

Awww she sooo cute! Makes me want to just give her a big cuddle! Congratulations Grandma! :-)

47 LudwigVanQuixote  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:12:54pm

OK all, I am going to get called away and it is unlikely I will be back in time to post before sundown. I wish you all the very very best and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend!

Peace out!

48 Guanxi88  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:13:17pm

re: #40 Mad Al-Jaffee

Time for me to go home. Have a great Daylight Savings Time weekend everyone!

Big Time is ripping me off! Again!

49 brookly red  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:13:56pm

re: #48 Guanxi88

Big Time is ripping me off! Again!

ripping us off, big time?

50 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:14:12pm

re: #48 Guanxi88

Big Time is ripping me off! Again!

We need to form a committee, raise funds, buy an ad during the superbowl. People need to understand!!!

/

51 darthstar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:14:20pm

re: #45 _RememberTonyC

Tiger Woods told all of his floozies that he had a "therapy snake."

He's coming back to play in the Master's...the news spokesmodel asked, "What will this do to golf?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Tiger's an athlete. Nothing more, nothing less.

52 brookly red  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:15:25pm

re: #50 ggt

We need to form a committee, raise funds, buy an ad during the superbowl. People need to understand!!!

/

I am workin on just dat... please forward your donation.

53 Guanxi88  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:15:47pm

re: #50 ggt

We need to form a committee, raise funds, buy an ad during the superbowl. People need to understand!!!

/

Exactly - I mean, I've put up with people stealing my time for far too damned long now! People trying to sell me things, people trying to wheedle some cash outta me, people just taking too damned long at the grocery store, but, on top of it all, I got MY OWN GOVERNMENT rigging clocks to steal an hour from me.

Basta ya!

54 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:15:53pm

re: #51 darthstar

He's coming back to play in the Master's...the news spokesmodel asked, "What will this do to golf?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Tiger's an athlete. Nothing more, nothing less.

Please don't mention that to my third bro, he hates Tiger. Knows him personally and just cannot stand him. Funny, he's never mentioned why...

55 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:04pm

re: #52 brookly red

I am workin on just dat... please forward your donation.


Do you accept Monopoly money?

56 cliffster  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:15pm

re: #51 darthstar

He's coming back to play in the Master's...the news spokesmodel asked, "What will this do to golf?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Tiger's an athlete. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm guessing he'll play Bay Hill. Not that you would know what that means, since no one who knows anything about golf would say that his return will do nothing... ;)

57 zora  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:23pm

re: #51 darthstar

what will this do to golf? make people watch it.

58 Gitarzan  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:34pm

re: #27 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

I came across this old Onion gem the other day and broke out laughing

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

Reminds me of a classic bassist joke:

Q: What do you call a bassist in a three-piece suit?
A: Defendant.

;-P

59 _RememberTonyC  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:37pm

re: #51 darthstar

He's coming back to play in the Master's...the news spokesmodel asked, "What will this do to golf?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Tiger's an athlete. Nothing more, nothing less.

what will it do for golf? for starters it will raise the TV ratings approximately 50%. I'll bet there are fewer than 15 other golfers this entire board can even name. Tiger Woods IS pro golf.

60 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:16:37pm

re: #53 Guanxi88

Exactly - I mean, I've put up with people stealing my time for far too damned long now! People trying to sell me things, people trying to wheedle some cash outta me, people just taking too damned long at the grocery store, but, on top of it all, I got MY OWN GOVERNMENT rigging clocks to steal an hour from me.

Basta ya!

It's a eeevil conspiracy.

/

61 Guanxi88  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:17:16pm

re: #60 ggt

It's a eeevil conspiracy.

/

Think about all the stuff they can get done with all those hours they steal from each of us. Immortality is just warming up for these people.

62 cliffster  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:17:39pm

re: #54 Dragon_Lady

Please don't mention that to my third bro, he hates Tiger. Knows him personally and just cannot stand him. Funny, he's never mentioned why...

Maybe Tiger is that crazy thing your bro's girlfriend did that weekend when they had a fight.

63 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:17:51pm

re: #61 Guanxi88

Think about all the stuff they can get done with all those hours they steal from each of us. Immortality is just warming up for these people.

It's the Cat, again.

64 brookly red  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:18:02pm

re: #55 ggt

Do you accept Monopoly money?

well the exchange rate against the dollar is still slightly favorable... OK we can work with that.

65 Varek Raith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:18:21pm

re: #63 ggt

It's the Cat, again.

!
Yes...it all makes sense...

66 Guanxi88  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:20:11pm

re: #53 Guanxi88

Reminds me of the last time I went with my Bitter Half to buy a car. The salesman went through the whole rigamarole with me and I looked to Wifey for permission, got the nod, and went in:

"When I'm on my deathbed, drawing my last, I'm gonna remember the way you dicked around with me today, and I'll curse you for wasting an hour I might have spent someplace better."

67 RogueOne  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:20:26pm

HA! "especially since he ate our Boston Terrier last month".

68 brookly red  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:20:27pm

re: #61 Guanxi88

Think about all the stuff they can get done with all those hours they steal from each of us. Immortality is just warming up for these people.

unless we throw salt on them... heh, heh, heh...

69 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:20:32pm

re: #65 Varek Raith

!
Yes...it all makes sense...


Can't let him know we are one to it, tho . . .

71 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:21:28pm

re: #62 cliffster

Maybe Tiger is that crazy thing your bro's girlfriend did that weekend when they had a fight.

Nah, my Bro's been married for years. He's also a Pro golfer and has worked at one of the pre-eminent golf courses in the country. I guess Tigers just rubbed my Bro the wrong way a few times.

72 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:21:41pm

re: #64 brookly red

well the exchange rate against the dollar is still slightly favorable... OK we can work with that.

Ok, then I'll go to the post office and get a money order . . .

73 Feline Emperor of the Conservative Waste  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:21:50pm

re: #49 brookly red

Cue the Peter Gabriel music.

Drat. Can't hit You Tube from work. :(

74 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:22:36pm

re: #70 Varek Raith

Evangelical leader takes on Beck for assailing social justice churches
Heh.

Explain to me what, exactly, a social justice church is? Sounds like a not-for-profit scam to me.

75 subsailor68  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:23:02pm

The committee we've formed to fight the insidious theft of hours in our year needs your support. This Spring, forward your donations to help fund our campaign. In the Fall, back we'll come with the results of our efforts.

Thank you.

76 Kragar  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:23:06pm

re: #58 talon_262

Reminds me of a classic bassist joke:

Q: What do you call a bassist in a three-piece suit?
A: Defendant.

;-P

How do you get a bassist off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza.

77 Varek Raith  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:23:32pm

re: #74 ggt

Explain to me what, exactly, a social justice church is? Sounds like a not-for-profit scam to me.

Beats me.
:shrugs:

78 Dragon_Lady  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:23:44pm

Time for me to go, gotta go to the store. Type to you all later! Keep Laughing Everyone! :-)

79 Feline Emperor of the Conservative Waste  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:23:55pm

re: #75 subsailor68

I'll put the check in the mail at 2:30am on Sunday morning...

:)

80 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:07pm

re: #77 Varek Raith

Beats me.
:shrugs:

beating is NOT social justice.

81 goddamnedfrank  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:14pm

Now for some naked Utah Republican hot tubbing with an underage employee and ensuing extortion scandal news:

The Majority Leader of the Utah House took a nude hot-tub with a 15-year old employee, then paid her $150,000 and had her pledge to keep quiet, he admitted yesterday.

The incident occurred in 1985, when Kevin Garn was 30, and married. In 2002, when Garn, a Republican, was running for Congress, the woman, Cheryl Maher, began contacting reporters with the story, prompting Garn to pay her and have an attorney draft a non-disclosure agreement, reports the Salt Lake Tribune.

82 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:17pm

re: #80 ggt

beating is NOT social justice.

in bed or out

83 brookly red  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:31pm

re: #74 ggt

Explain to me what, exactly, a social justice church is? Sounds like a not-for-profit scam to me.


/when scams collided... one of the best b movies evah!

84 subsailor68  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:36pm

re: #79 oaktree

I'll put the check in the mail at 2:30am on Sunday morning...

:)

Hey thanks! Wait a minute!


Doh!!

85 MrSilverDragon  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:36pm

re: #76 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

re: #58 talon_262

Speaking as a bassist, eat shorts.

86 lawhawk  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:54pm

It's Friday night, which means it's time for a news dump. This time, it's the Utah House Majority leader (a GOPer), who admits to having paid a woman $150,000 to keep quiet about a naked hot tub encounter when she was a minor.

In a statement on the House floor, Republican Kevin Garn, 55, said he paid her to keep quiet about the incident during his unsuccessful U.S. congressional bid in 2002, but did not have sexual contact with her.

Garn said the woman, who he didn't identify on the floor, has been calling news outlets and that he wanted to be open about the incident that occurred when he was 28 years old, before any stories appeared.
Story continues below ↓advertisement %P% your ad here

A woman identifying herself as Cheryl Maher told The Salt Lake Tribune that she and Garn were in a hot tub nude when she was 15 years old.

"This has just been a nightmare for me," Maher said in a telephone interview with the newspaper from New Hampshire. "I just want to tell the truth because it's part of the healing process for me."

87 ggt  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:24:55pm

Gotta go get the kid.

Have a mirthful afternoon all!

88 Obdicut  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:25:15pm

re: #81 goddamnedfrank

It was a long time ago, and I really don't care, except for the coverup part.

89 subsailor68  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:26:13pm

re: #88 Obdicut

It was a long time ago, and I really don't care, except for the coverup part.

Hmmm...reading the story, this appears to be one of those times a cover-up may have been a good idea.

;-)

90 Dark_Falcon  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:29:17pm

re: #47 LudwigVanQuixote

OK all, I am going to get called away and it is unlikely I will be back in time to post before sundown. I wish you all the very very best and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend!

Peace out!

Have a good one, Ludwig!

91 HoosierHoops  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:29:30pm

re: #76 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

How do you get a bassist off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza.

How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him

92 Ghost of Insanity  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:32:11pm

re: #51 darthstar

He's coming back to play in the Master's...the news spokesmodel asked, "What will this do to golf?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Tiger's an athlete. Nothing more, nothing less.

He just wants to practice his swing.

93 Ghost of Insanity  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:33:49pm

re: #71 Dragon_Lady

Nah, my Bro's been married for years. He's also a Pro golfer and has worked at one of the pre-eminent golf courses in the country. I guess Tigers just rubbed my Bro the wrong way a few times.

That's kinda gay.

94 RogueOne  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:33:49pm

re: #27 Kragar (Proud to be Kafir)

I came across this old Onion gem the other day and broke out laughing

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

Hey, they've been tricking me too. I realized sometime last month that the bands Red, Skillet, Rev Theory and 12 Stones were all christian bands. I did a bit of googling and found out I'm the only atheist with a decent size christian rock collection. I made the best of it by making myself a sunday morning playlist so I could fit in.

95 reine.de.tout  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:47:25pm

re: #15 Alouette

This is Mookie, my newest granddaughter.

Her parents do not even own a goldfish.

Precious!

Just precious.

96 Ghost of Insanity  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 1:50:37pm

re: #94 RogueOne

Hey, they've been tricking me too. I realized sometime last month that the bands Red, Skillet, Rev Theory and 12 Stones were all christian bands. I did a bit of googling and found out I'm the only atheist with a decent size christian rock collection. I made the best of it by making myself a sunday morning playlist so I could fit in.

You probably can't see it, but I'm making the sign of the cross at you to ward off the evil you're been exposed to. I hope it isn't contagious.

97 Gitarzan  Fri, Mar 12, 2010 4:54:05pm

re: #85 MrSilverDragon

re: #58 talon_262

Speaking as a bassist, eat shorts.

Awww, it's all in fun...besides, I'd think you've heard them all before ;-P

98 Joven  Mon, Mar 15, 2010 5:40:01pm

I wonder is Ann his sister rubbed Zack with chicken fat. There is only so much money to go around for the college fund.


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 Frank says:

We play the new free music, music as the absolutely free, unencumbered by American cultural suppression