Paul Revere’s Ride (First Draft)

Hardly a man is now alive
Humor • Views: 34,666

Jeffrey Goldberg unearths the first draft of Longfellow’s famous poem: Paul Revere’s Ride.

LISTEN, my children, and you shall hear���
Of the early evening ride of Paul Revere,���
On the twentieth, or twenty-first, of May, or possibly June, in Seventy-six, or maybe Seventy-seven;���
Hardly a man is now alive���
Who refudiates that famous day and year.
He said to his friend, while ringing those bells, ‘We must see the French a-coming���
By land or sea or some other way, maybe by air, from the town to-night,
And tell our British friends, and our British enemies,
And warn them of bears, the big majestic polar bears, that lurk amid the French a-strumming
Their mandolins, and other French instruments, that make a patriot so squirmish.� �
Shoot a flair up at Lexington and Concord,
Those fabled towns of New Hampshire and Vermont
Where General Lee made his valiant stands;.
And no one will take that flair gun away from me,
Not from my cold, dead hands. �
Of that church, you know the one, with the name, whatever it’s called, up in the tower as a signal light,—���
One, if by land, and two, if by air;� � �������
And I on the opposite shore will be, in a very large bus;
That is painted so patriotically; ��
And I will ride my white steed so fair.
Then I will ride a Harley, that I was pulling on a trailer behind the bus, and spread the alarm,�
Man, I love the smell of that emissions
That smell is freedom, carried by horse,
Through every Middlesex village and farm,
Not horse emissions, chopper emissions.
But horse emissions are very patriotic.
And I will warn the British that the British are coming.
Which should confuse them very much.���

Then he said, ‘Good-night!’ and with shotgun in hand��� �������
Silently rowed to the Charlestown shore, that Last Frontier,
We were rowing because the outboard motor didn’t work, thanks to the EPA; ��
Just as the sun rose over the Mighty Mississippi,���
Where swinging wide at her moorings lay���
The Somerset, British man-of-war;
Which sounds a little gay; ��
A phantom ship, part of our hollowed-out Democrat Navy
Across the moon like a prison bar, where we should lock up all the French,���
And a huge black hulk, that was magnified, by Fox, ��
And by its own reflection in the tide, not the detergent, but the water that comes in from the sea in waves, I’m not sure how exactly.

Jump to bottom

31 comments
1 iossarian  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:03:37am

... mandolins, and other French instruments ...

These things are usually ho-hum, but yes, I LOL'd.

2 Cannadian Club Akbar  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:05:50am

If a poem doesn't mention a man form Nantucket, I ain't reading it.
/

3 What, me worry?  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:07:01am

So funny, but this was my favorite!

And I will warn the British that the British are coming.
Which should confuse them very much.

4 Shropshire_Slasher  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:07:11am

re: #2 Cannadian Club Akbar
I AM that man from Nantucket

5 Shiplord Kirel  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:14:38am

How long before a Derper cites the heroic Marines fighting the dug-in Vietcong on Iwo Jima?

6 Obdicut  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:15:50am

re: #5 Shiplord Kirel

How long before a Derper cites the heroic Marines fighting the dug-in Vietcong on Iwo Jima?

Ann Coulter claimed that our Canadian allies were with us in Vietnam already. That was a pretty big boner.

7 Shropshire_Slasher  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:15:53am

re: #5 Shiplord Kirel

Or when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!

8 RadicalModerate  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:16:32am

This is what happens when you get your history lessons from Sen. John "Bluto" Blutarski.

9 Brother Holy Cruise Missile of Mild Acceptance  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:19:35am

reading that made my head hurt...

10 AK-47%  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:20:36am

re: #6 Obdicut

Ann Coulter claimed that our Canadian allies were with us in Vietnam already. That was a pretty big boner.

Ann always gives me one of those...

11 jamesfirecat  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:22:04am

re: #6 Obdicut

Ann Coulter claimed that our Canadian allies were with us in Vietnam already. That was a pretty big boner.

Obviously we gotta stand by our North Korean allies!

12 Shiplord Kirel  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:22:06am

As a gesture to the Magical Balance Fairy, rabid lefty Gore Vidal once said the Suez invasion in 1956 was one of JFK's biggest blunders.

Of course, Vidal is a near-universal laughingstock and does not quite have the same status for Democrats that Palin does for Tea Partiers.

13 Shiplord Kirel  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:23:38am

re: #10 ralphieboy

Ann always gives me one of those...

As the Viagra commercials advise, you should seek immediate medical treatment.

14 Shropshire_Slasher  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:26:13am

Have they no shame?
[Link: boston.cbslocal.com...]
Poor pup, that fries my cojones

15 darthstar  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:26:32am

Santorum announced his official candidacy...so now he can prove once and for all that he can lose to fellow Republicans by an even larger margin than his last drubbing by a Democrat.

16 Shiplord Kirel  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:26:45am

re: #10 ralphieboy

Ann always gives me one of those...

You're a snake fetishist?

17 bluecheese  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:27:42am

Artwork shuffle at governor's mansion raises eyebrows

our governor is a fucking douchebag.

18 prairiefire  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:28:14am

Very clever!

19 jamesfirecat  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:28:20am

re: #14 Shropshire_Slasher

Have they no shame?
[Link: boston.cbslocal.com...]
Poor pup, that fries my cojones

I'm normally a cat man myself but I agree with you fully... whoever did this they I'm 99.9999(repeating) % sure that they were doing it just to be mean to that poor animal rather than actually needing what they stole... which makes "jackasses" the most polite name I can think of for them.

20 NJDhockeyfan  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:28:41am

How come this wasn't around back in the day when I was a pothead?

Medical marijuana superstore opens

Some local wags are calling it the "Wal-Mart of Weed" or "Home DePot."

Seeking to capitalize on Arizona's newly enacted medical marijuana law, a California-based company on Wednesday opened a superstore-sized garden center in Phoenix catering to those who want to grow their own cannabis.

"We sell everything but the plant itself," said Dhar Mann, founder of weGrow, the company that began franchising its big-box stores with outlets in Oakland and Sacramento, California. "We sell the products and the services for people to safely and responsibly cultivate their medicine."

The 21,000-square-foot store offers some 2,000 products, including soil, grow lights and irrigation trays, specially designed for effective marijuana growing, Mann told Reuters.

A doctor also is on site to furnish eligible patients the initial medical approval needed to apply to the state health department for cards authorizing them to legally grow and use marijuana as treatment for a variety of qualifying ailments.

21 ElCapitanAmerica  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:29:44am

Bachmann greatest hits

[Link: motherjones.com...]


2005: Bachmann explains her opposition to the state's minimum wage as a form of job creation: "Literally, if we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."

2007: In an interview with the St. Cloud Times, Bachmann drops a bombshell: Iran is planning on turning all of Northwest Iraq into a secret terrorist training camp: "Iran is the troublemaker trying to tip over apple carts all over Baghdad right now because they want America to pull out. And you know why? It's because they've already decided, that they're going to territory, they're- they're going to partition Iraq and half of Iraq, the western northern portion of Iraq is going to be called, the United, uh, the, the uh, -oh, I'm sorry, I can't remember the actual name of it now, but it's going to be called, um, uh, the, the, uh, uh the Iraq State of Islam, something like that."

2009: With health care reform coming ever closer to becoming a reality, Bachmann sounds the Horn of Gondor: "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass."

2011: As the House GOP prepares to vote on a continuing resolution to fund the government, Bachmann urges her colleagues to hold the line: "This is our mice or men moment. We need to show whether we are mice or men." The bill passes; we're mice, apparently.

22 Varek Raith  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:32:24am

re: #21 ElCapitanAmerica

Bachmann greatest hits

[Link: motherjones.com...]

POTENTIALLY VIRTUALLY COMPLETELY!

23 Decatur Deb  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:34:11am

re: #17 bluecheese

Artwork shuffle at governor's mansion raises eyebrows

our governor is a fucking douchebag.

I suspect it will only be down for a few more months. (And that's an amazing painting.)

24 Varek Raith  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:34:52am

re: #23 Decatur Deb

I suspect it will only be down for a few more months. (And that's an amazing painting.)

The hell???
I thought that was a picture, not a painting.
Wowzers.

25 elizajane  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:38:21am

re: #17 bluecheese

Artwork shuffle at governor's mansion raises eyebrows

our governor is a fucking douchebag.

I'm sorry to say that this is just not a very good painting. Or, it's one that you could walk by in a gallery and nod for its earnest multiculturalism, but it is really not a picture I'd want to live with in my house.

Scott Walker may be a douchebag (a term I hate, BTW) but I wouldn't judge that on the basis of his artistic taste. This is not like that nitwit LePage in Maine who removed the history-of-labor murals from the Department of Labor because they were "not in keeping with his pro-business goals." That one's got a Federal lawsuit going on it!

26 Decatur Deb  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:42:12am

re: #25 elizajane

I'm sorry to say that this is just not a very good painting. Or, it's one that you could walk by in a gallery and nod for its earnest multiculturalism, but it is really not a picture I'd want to live with in my house.

...snip

It's very impressive if you like the photo-realistic style. Our local artist works in it:

Image: barbara-2.jpg

27 William Barnett-Lewis  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:46:33am

re: #17 bluecheese

Artwork shuffle at governor's mansion raises eyebrows

our governor is a fucking douchebag.

God, his moral cowardice is amazing in it's utter completeness.

28 bluecheese  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 9:52:01am

re: #25 elizajane

I'm sorry to say that this is just not a very good painting.


Matter of opinion i guess.

And sure, governor asswipe can hang whatever he wants where he lives.

Perhaps he would be better served with a picture of Jesus. One with the eyes that follow him around the room.

Supply side Jesus.

Whatever.

29 William of Orange  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 10:11:02am

IMPORTANT!!!

Don't tell Sarah Palin ANYTHING about the Alamo! She might rewrite that one too....

30 Lidane  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 10:49:43am

re: #29 William of Orange

IMPORTANT!!!

Don't tell Sarah Palin ANYTHING about the Alamo! She might rewrite that one too...

That wouldn't be a shocker. Most people re-write the Alamo into a great military victory anyway. Even folks who've lived here in Texas their entire lives. It's like people never pay attention in history class, or they don't know how to Google things.

31 What, me worry?  Mon, Jun 6, 2011 2:01:54pm

re: #17 bluecheese

Artwork shuffle at governor's mansion raises eyebrows

our governor is a fucking douchebag.

Dude, our governor can out-douchebag your governor!

Image: FloridaGovernor%282%29_t607.jpg


This article has been archived.
Comments are closed.

Jump to top

Create a PageThis is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.
Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.
Last updated: 2023-04-04 11:11 am PDT
LGF User's Guide RSS Feeds

Help support Little Green Footballs!

Subscribe now for ad-free access!Register and sign in to a free LGF account before subscribing, and your ad-free access will be automatically enabled.

Donate with
PayPal
Cash.app
Recent PagesClick to refresh
Once Praised, the Settlement to Help Sickened BP Oil Spill Workers Leaves Most With Nearly Nothing When a deadly explosion destroyed BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico, 134 million gallons of crude erupted into the sea over the next three months — and tens of thousands of ordinary people were hired ...
Cheechako
Yesterday
Views: 61 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Texas County at Center of Border Fight Is Overwhelmed by Migrant Deaths EAGLE PASS, Tex. - The undertaker lighted a cigarette and held it between his latex-gloved fingers as he stood over the bloated body bag lying in the bed of his battered pickup truck. The woman had been fished out ...
Cheechako
4 days ago
Views: 163 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1