Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
Opinion • Views: 30,498

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn’t vote for Mitt Romney…]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[…]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let’s do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can’t get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won’t be able to get to that one either.

Jump to top

Create a PageThis is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.
Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.
Last updated: 2016-01-01 10:29 am PST
LGF User's Guide RSS Feeds Tweet

Help support Little Green Footballs!

Subscribe now for ad-free access!Register and sign in to a free LGF account before subscribing, and your ad-free access will be automatically enabled.

Recent PagesClick to refresh
Organized Poll Spamming at Free RepublicFree Republic is eyeball deep in the poll stuffing ("freep" as a verb is their turn for saturating a poll or comment section to distort the results): UNFIXING THE NEXT DEBATE: Massive Freep Needed 09/28/2016 8:41:51 AM PDT * by ...
Shiplord Kirel
45 minutes ago
Views: 46 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Endorsement: Hillary Clinton Is the Only Choice to Move America Ahead Since The Arizona Republic began publication in 1890, we have never endorsed a Democrat over a Republican for president. Never. This reflects a deep philosophical appreciation for conservative ideals and Republican principles. This year is different. The 2016 Republican ...
Thanos
5 hours, 56 minutes ago
Views: 99 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Thailand’s Military Allows ‘Culture of Torture’, Says Amnesty Thailand's military government has allowed a "culture of torture" to flourish since assuming power, says a new report by rights group Amnesty International. The report lists 74 alleged cases of torture and other ill-treatment, including methods such as beatings ...
Thanos
8 hours, 48 minutes ago
Views: 109 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Deutsche Bank Sells UK Asset and Battles Bailout Rumors Germany's biggest private lender has sold its British insurance business to raise urgently needed cash to pay looming penalties for its past misdeeds Deutsche Bank announced on Wednesday it had sold Abbey Life Assurance company for 935 million pounds ...
Thanos
9 hours, 3 minutes ago
Views: 119 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 4 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Nick Lowe-I Love the Sound of Breaking GlassNick LoweI Love the Sound of Breaking Glass (1978)
Thanos
1 day, 3 hours ago
Views: 141 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Latest IoT DDoS Attack Dwarfs Krebs Takedown at Nearly 1Tbps Driven by 150K Devices If you thought that the massive DDoS attack earlier this month on Brian Krebs’ security blog was record-breaking, take a look at what just happened to France-based hosting provider OVH. OVH was the victim of a wide-scale DDoS attack ...
Thanos
1 day, 5 hours ago
Views: 251 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 2
Tweets: 13 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Off-Duty Cop Who Killed Delrawn Small Indicted on Murder Charges A city cop was indicted Monday on second-degree murder charges in the road-rage shooting death of driver Delrawn Small, who was killed in a July 4 confrontation with the off-duty officer, sources said. The cop, Wayne Isaacs, will be ...
Thanos
1 day, 5 hours ago
Views: 297 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 1 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Bomb Blasts Strike Mosque, Congress Center in Germany City of Dresden BERLIN (Reuters) - Two improvised bombs exploded in the eastern German city of Dresden on Monday evening ― one at a mosque and one at an international conference center ― but no one was injured, police said on Tuesday. ...
Thanos
1 day, 8 hours ago
Views: 239 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 1 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Like 2016 Campaign, First Presidential Debate Defied Conventional Patterns Clinton suggested Trump was hiding something and said he may have paid no federal income tax at all. “That makes me smart,” Trump said. “So if he’s paid zero, that means zero for troops, zero for vets, zero for ...
Thanos
1 day, 8 hours ago
Views: 353 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Donald Trump Fell for Hillary Clinton’s Trap at Monday’s Presidential Debate The Clinton campaign’s greatest fear throughout the general election has been that some other Trump would emerge ― a more measured, reasonable and mature man, one who might look like he was ready for the Oval Office. That man ...
Thanos
1 day, 8 hours ago
Views: 466 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 3
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0