TwitterFacebook

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
Opinion • Views: 28,859

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn’t vote for Mitt Romney…]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[…]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let’s do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can’t get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won’t be able to get to that one either.

^ back to top ^

TwitterFacebook

Turn off all ads for a full year by subscribing!
For about 33 cents a day (per month) or 22 cents a day (per year), our subscription option turns off all advertisements at LGF!
Read more...

► LGF Headlines

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Articles

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Pages

  • Loading...

► Top 10 Comments

  • Loading...

► Bottom Comments

  • Loading...

► Recent Comments

  • Loading...

► Tools/Info

► Tag Cloud

► Contact

You must have Javascript enabled to use the contact form.
Your email:

Subject:

Message:


Messages may be published unless you request otherwise.
Tech Note:
Using the Contact Form
LGF Pages

This button leads to the main index of LGF Pages, our user-submitted articles. You can post your own LGF Pages simply by registering a free account with us.

Create a Page

This is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.

Last updated: 2014-03-07 2:19 pm PST

LGF User's Guide
Recent Pages
Political Atheist
The Insane History of Rockets at Jet Propulsion Laboratories
The Rocket Boys In the late 1930s, a group of Caltech graduate students were booted off campus after blowing up (part of!) their building during a rocket test gone awry. Unwilling to give up on the joy of semi-controlled explosions, the students and a few of their friends headed into the San Gabriel Mountains. They picked a deserted gully -- Arroyo Seco -- ...

1 hour, 3 minutes ago
Views: 39 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
FemNaziBitch
The Abortion Restriction That’s Too Extreme for Most Pro-Lifers
Earlier this month, lawmakers in Kansas ended this session's debate over abortion on a surprisingly low-key note. The Republican leadership shepherded two minor tweaks to existing abortion policies through the legislature, while staving off a far more contentious measure: a bill that would criminalize abortion after a fetal heartbeat can be detected, as early as six weeks into a pregnancy. The bill's advocates ...

3 hours, 35 minutes ago
Views: 81 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
iossarian
Drug Companies Want Your Money
Two thematically-related stories on the BBC at the moment: UK drug company Glaxo 'paid bribes to Polish doctors' UK drug company GlaxoSmithKline is facing a criminal investigation in Poland for allegedly bribing doctors, BBC Panorama has discovered. Tamiflu: Millions wasted on flu drug, claims major report Hundreds of millions of pounds may have been wasted on a drug for flu that works no better ...

7 hours, 19 minutes ago
Views: 120 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 7 • Rating: 0
palmerskiss
Women on Front of Bundy Standoff - the Latest From the Front
But the scene above took place four years before Monica, in 1994, long before Clinton handed his enemies a scandal on a platter that seemingly made such references acceptable. It was not at a Republican caucus or Christian Coalition meeting, but at a gathering of right-wing "Patriots" who had come to hear about forming militias and common-law courts and defending their gun rights ...

9 hours, 42 minutes ago
Views: 120 • Comments: 4
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 3
CriticalDragon1177
Creationist Cosmos
Unable to get equal time on the new Cosmos creationist apparently decided to create their own. [wingnut]Behold the truth of creation. Suck it, Carl Sagan and Neil DeGress Tyson![/wingnut] From Funny Or Die

10 hours, 3 minutes ago
Views: 131 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 1 • Rating: 1
cycroft
Russ Campbell’s Blog: Military Threat Is Essential to Effective Diplomacy
Pres­i­dent Theodore Roo­sevelt fa­mously said: "speak softly, and carry a big stick." His idea was to ne­go­ti­ate peace­fully, but with the ever-pre­sent threat of the "big stick," mil­i­tary ac­tion. Per­haps in this proverb lies is a valu­able les­son for lead­ers of the West­ern democ­ra­cies, and es­pe­cially for Pres­i­dent Obama. On the week­end, well co­or­di­nated and armed mil­i­tants at­tacked gov­ern­ment build­ings in six cities ...

11 hours, 7 minutes ago
Views: 62 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
Randall Gross
TurboTax Maker Linked to ‘Grassroots’ Campaign Against Free, Simple Tax Filing - ProPublica
The letters and op-eds don't mention that, as ProPublica laid out last year, return-free filing might allow tens of millions of Americans to file their taxes for free and in minutes. Or that, under proposals authored by several federal lawmakers, it would be voluntary, using information the government already receives from banks and employers and that taxpayers could adjust. Or that the concept ...

16 hours, 21 minutes ago
Views: 128 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 1
steve_davis
Skyline Pigeon
Your text to link...

2 days, 11 hours ago
Views: 193 • Comments: 2
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 4
Dark_Falcon
Presenting the Tracking Point AR series of rifles
Tracking Point has finally gotten their system to work with the AR-10 and AR-15 platforms. Now available in 5.56x45mm, 7.62x51mm and 300 AAC Blackout (a longer ranged 5.56 derivative). Hopefully, the Army and Marines can find the money for some of these, for these rifles will give our designated marksmen a real advantage in combat. They are also available for civilian sale, though at ...

4 days, 3 hours ago
Views: 339 • Comments: 3
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 1
MichaelJ
2014 Drug Aware Margaret River Pro - ASP
More: 2014 Drug Aware Margaret River Pro - ASP Round 5 is going to be all about getting barreled. This is going to be good.

6 days, 3 hours ago
Views: 242 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 1 • Rating: 0
 Frank says:

Drop out of school, before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts... -- Quoted from an article on FZ in the June 1995 issue of "SLUG" magazine. Article titled "Zappa behind the Sneer. I think the magazine may be a local (Salt Lake City) publication.