Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
Opinion • Views: 30,993

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn’t vote for Mitt Romney…]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[…]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let’s do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can’t get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won’t be able to get to that one either.

Jump to top

Create a PageThis is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.
Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.
Last updated: 2016-01-01 10:29 am PST
LGF User's Guide RSS Feeds Tweet

Help support Little Green Footballs!

Subscribe now for ad-free access!Register and sign in to a free LGF account before subscribing, and your ad-free access will be automatically enabled.

Donate with
PayPal
Square Cash Shop at amazon
as an LGF Associate!
Recent PagesClick to refresh
Why You Can’t Take a Flag to a National Cemetery Why You Can't Take a Flag to Arlington (or other national veteran cemeteries) Stars and Stripes, reprinting with permission an article from the Washington Post, explains why you cannot take a flag to Arlington National Cemetery (or any other ...
Anymouse 🌹
1 day, 20 hours ago
Views: 279 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 2
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Another Democrat Starting Trump Impeachment Process Come on guys, get behind the bill. All of us. we should get behind this bill as it emerges as fast as we attacked the BCA. Following Donald Trump’s equivocating of white supremacists and those who oppose them in ...
Unshaken Defiance
3 days, 5 hours ago
Views: 489 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 1
Comments: 0
: 1
How Militias Became the Private Police for White Supremacists Magazine Guns to a protest? Clubs? We can not tolerate anti American militias. The bloody weekend in Charlottesville that began with several hundred chanting white supremacists on a torch-lit march will long be remembered for the searing image of a ...
Unshaken Defiance
3 days, 6 hours ago
Views: 481 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Starting in 2018, Police Dogs Injured in the Line of Duty Can Be Transported by EMS to Veterinary Clinics ST. CLAIR COUNTY, IL – Ambulances are for people. It’s always been the law of the land. In Illinois, it'll soon be "almost always". Illinois Governor, Bruce Rauner, signed House Bill 2661, Tuesday. It will allow police dogs to ...
Birth Control Works
3 days, 9 hours ago
Views: 466 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
The New War on Birth Control - Pacific Standard Although it wasn't clear at the time, the attack on Phillips marked the beginning of a new anti-contraception movement—conceived in the U.S., but unfolding in Africa, where women's frustrations with the dearth of safe, effective family planning options are ...
Birth Control Works
3 days, 10 hours ago
Views: 533 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 1 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
M83 - Do It, Try It (David Wilson Video) M83 - Do It, Try It video by David Wilson. Following the video's premiere at Sundance Next Fest it is now available to watch online. The track is taken from M83's seventh studio album Junk, available to buy & ...
Thanos
4 days ago
Views: 412 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Marvel’s the Defenders It’s all coming together. Learn about The Defenders from the stars themselves: Charlie Cox, Krysten Ritter, Mike Colter and Finn Jones. Marvel’s The Defenders premieres globally August 18, 2017, only on Netflix. Watch The Defenders on Netflix: netflix.com SUBSCRIBE: ...
Thanos
4 days ago
Views: 444 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
AG Madigan Issues Guidelines for Responding to Sexual Assault Crimes “We took a comprehensive look at why sexual assault survivors rarely report their crimes to law enforcement, and it was clear that our criminal justice system can and must respond, investigate and better support survivors,” Illinois Attorney General Lisa ...
Birth Control Works
4 days, 5 hours ago
Views: 423 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
This 91-Year-Old Woman Just Earned Her Bachelor’s Degree After 10 Years of Studying The back-to-school commercials have started airing. The summer reading lists are coming due. It’s almost that time of year. And if students aren’t quite looking forward to getting back into their classrooms this month for another school year, the ...
Birth Control Works
4 days, 6 hours ago
Views: 327 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Give the Gift of LifeCJ was a good kid, he was a gentle soul. I could see a little of his mother and father in him. I didn't know we were alike in one way, that we were both addicts, until he was brain ...
Shropshire Slasher
4 days, 8 hours ago
Views: 261 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0