Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
Opinion • Views: 30,756

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn’t vote for Mitt Romney…]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[…]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let’s do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can’t get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won’t be able to get to that one either.

Jump to top

Create a PageThis is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.
Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.
Last updated: 2016-01-01 10:29 am PST
LGF User's Guide RSS Feeds Tweet

Help support Little Green Footballs!

Subscribe now for ad-free access!Register and sign in to a free LGF account before subscribing, and your ad-free access will be automatically enabled.

Recent PagesClick to refresh
The Right Wing Outrage/Fake-News EcosystemIf it's a day ending in a Y, it must be a day where right wing outlets are busy pushing an agenda that bears no relationship to reality. We see it with the current Administration, whose views are based on ...
lawhawk
14 minutes ago
Views: 31 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 2 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
The Penelopes - Tina iTunes: itunes.apple.comApple Music: itunes.apple.comSpotify: open.spotify.com @thepenelopes Footage from MisunderstoodDirected by Asia ArgentoProduced by Wildside & Paradis FilmsStarring: Giulia Salerno, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Gabriel Garko Additional Footage:Production Design & Creation: Aephie Huimi ChenProduction Manager: Léa Gimpel-LichtarzCinematographer: Ingvar Haukur GuomundssonGaffer: Sin ...
Tarkloon
1 hour, 19 minutes ago
Views: 42 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
How to Become a Proficient Wedding PhotographerCreating a successful image as a talented wedding photographer can be a lot of hard work. There are numerous stages involved in developing a celebrated identity within the market. Here are some points one must abide by in order to ...
izo4rjimmy
5 hours, 23 minutes ago
Views: 62 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Study Sees U.S. Life Expectancy Falling Further Behind Other Countries Exactly what you should expect if you let anti-science reactionaries run the country. Life expectancy in the United States is already much lower than most other high-income countries and is expected to fall even further behind by 2030, new ...
Tarkloon
10 hours, 55 minutes ago
Views: 87 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Getting Rid of Trump ‘Easy’: Neither Impeachment nor 25th Amendment Required Could it really end this easily? Color me doubtful. However the tax data release would be worth the effort regardless of any forecast outcome. It's also time to add a tax release requirement for any primary winner (at least) ...
Unshaken Defiance
20 hours, 38 minutes ago
Views: 222 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 1 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Missouri Veteran Accused of Planning ISIS Terrorist Attack on Kansas City A Columbia man is accused of plotting a Presidents Day jihadist terrorist attack on buses, trains and a train station in Kansas City. Robert Lorenzo Hester Jr., 25, was charged in U.S. District Court of Kansas City with attempting ...
Tarkloon
1 day, 10 hours ago
Views: 254 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Six Things You Can Learn From a Woman Who Has Fought for Abortion Rights for 18 Years "That means making sure we're engaging with them as we're coming up with our ideas and our strategies and creating our messages," Johnson says. "I believe that if we center the most affected we will create winning strategies that ...
Birth Control Works
1 day, 17 hours ago
Views: 211 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
New Study Reveals Americans Are Actually Supportive When People Talk About Getting an Abortion How would you expect people to respond if you told them that you’d had an abortion? Who would you tell, and why? Despite the fact that many women do talk about their abortions with family and friends, many still ...
Birth Control Works
1 day, 17 hours ago
Views: 227 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Meet the Jewish Woman Who Helped Lay the Groundwork for Planned Parenthood - Culture - Forward.com Four years before women won the right to vote in the United States, Margaret Sanger — the future founder of Planned Parenthood — and her sister, Ethel Byrne, met a young Jewish immigrant named Fania Mindell. On October 16, ...
Birth Control Works
1 day, 18 hours ago
Views: 243 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
U.N. Says 1.4 Million Children at Imminent Risk of Death in Famines Nearly 1.4 million children are at "imminent risk" of death in famines in Nigeria, Somalia, South Sudan and Yemen, the U.N. children's agency UNICEF said on Tuesday. People are already starving to death in all four countries, and the ...
Tarkloon
2 days, 2 hours ago
Views: 603 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0