Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
Opinion • Views: 30,446

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn’t vote for Mitt Romney…]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[…]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let’s do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can’t get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won’t be able to get to that one either.

Jump to top

Create a PageThis is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.
Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.
Last updated: 2016-01-01 10:29 am PST
LGF User's Guide RSS Feeds Tweet

Help support Little Green Footballs!

Subscribe now for ad-free access!Register and sign in to a free LGF account before subscribing, and your ad-free access will be automatically enabled.

Recent PagesClick to refresh
Report: WikiLeaks Published Rape Victims’ Names, Credit Cards, Medical Data You can't spell Assange without ... But that's not all it's publishing. A report today by the Associated Press highlights citizens who had "sensitive family, financial or identity records" published by the site. "They published everything: my phone, address, ...
Thanos
10 hours, 48 minutes ago
Views: 1,095 • Comments: 2 • Rating: 2
Tweets: 590 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 6
Comments: 0
: 6
EpiPen’s Steady Price Increases Masked Until Deductibles Rose The maker of the life-saving allergy shot EpiPen is the new poster child for exorbitant drug price increases, as high-profile members of Congress, doctors and consumers lash out over huge price increases since 2009. Mylan’s EpiPens are used to ...
Thanos
13 hours, 48 minutes ago
Views: 148 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Few Pastors Have Been Asked to Preside at Same-Sex Weddings - and No One Has Been Forced Americans United had a little fun about two months ago with the Religious Right’s claim that if marriage equality became the law of the land, pastors would be forced to preside at same-sex weddings. We produced a special website ...
Thanos
16 hours, 20 minutes ago
Views: 106 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
A Tribe Called Red - R.E.D. Ft. Yasiin Bey, Narcy & Black Bear Pre-Order The Album! smarturl.itStream on Spotify: spoti.fi-Director: The Halluci NationLocation: Cape Town, SAActors: Narcy, Yasiin Bey and members of the Halluci NationProducer: The Halluci Nation--A Tribe Called Red Links:Website: atribecalledred.comTwitter: @atribecalledredFacebook: facebook.comInstagram: instagram.com--Yasiin Bey Links:acountrycalledearth.comFacebook: facebook.comTwitter: @CalledEarth--Narcy:wearethemedium.comFacebook: facebook.comTwitter: @TheNarcicyst ...
teleskiguy
1 day, 5 hours ago
Views: 213 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 9 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 6
Comments: 0
: 6
Melania Trump Threatens to Sue News Outlets Melania Trump has threatened to sue The Daily Mail, Politico and at least eight other news outlets for defamation, her lawyer says. Trump, the wife of the Republican presidential nominee, has placed The Daily Mail and other news organizations ...
Thanos
1 day, 10 hours ago
Views: 312 • Comments: 2 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 34 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 4
Comments: 0
: 4
A Tale of Two TV Shows: “Rectify,” “Lethal Weapon,” and the Battle to Be Seen in the Age of Peak TV In the years of "Peak TV" if you like a show you better advertise for it before it gets canceled... Here’s where we get to fall TV’s big quandary: Statistics show that a significant portion of the audience is ...
Thanos
2 days, 12 hours ago
Views: 389 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 1
Tweets: 37 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Sunday ShowsTonight there are three things on that are worthy of Tivo in my estimation: Ray Donovan - ShowtimeRoadies - ShowtimeFear the Walking Dead - AMC - Season Debut Here is what's on Countdown to start up through the end of ...
Thanos
2 days, 19 hours ago
Views: 216 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 1 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
CNS - Ken Starr Leaves Faculty Post at Baylor University WACO, Texas (CN) - Former Baylor University president and chancellor Ken Starr quit his law school faculty position Friday, severing his final ties with the college in the wake of a damning review of how school officials bungled sexual ...
Thanos
2 days, 19 hours ago
Views: 505 • Comments: 1 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
Syrian War: US Scrambles Jets to Hassakeh American fighter planes have been scrambled to the Syrian city of Hassakeh to protect US special forces on the ground from Syrian government aerial attacks, the US military says. The Pentagon said the Syrian planes were leaving as its ...
Thanos
3 days, 6 hours ago
Views: 541 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 3
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0
John K. Samson - ‘Postdoc Blues’"Postdoc Blues" by John K. Samson from the album 'Winter Wheat,' available October 21Pre-order here: found.ee Official Site: johnksamson.comFacebook: facebook.com
Thanos
3 days, 6 hours ago
Views: 2,191 • Comments: 0 • Rating: 0
Tweets: 0 • Share to Facebook
Shares: 0
Comments: 0
: 0