Onion Special Report: NASA Discovers Planet Earth Just Might Be What It’s Been Searching for All Along

Our search ends where it began
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After years of launching shuttles, probes, and telescopes to see what the universe had to offer, NASA says it’s ready to appreciate the planet right in front of it.

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42 comments
1 Rightwingconspirator  May 7, 2014 5:24:54pm

Damn way to kick ‘em when they are down.

3 Skip Intro  May 7, 2014 5:28:54pm

Crap! The video stopped right before they were finally going to get to the bottom of the crash test dummy controversy. I hate it when my DVR does that.

4 Killgore Trout  May 7, 2014 5:30:07pm
5 Amory Blaine  May 7, 2014 5:30:15pm

Staycation.

6 b.d.  May 7, 2014 5:32:49pm

Space is scary, that’s where the Roman Gods are.

7 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:34:47pm
8 EPR-radar  May 7, 2014 5:35:43pm

re: #7 Gus

An ostrich with its head up its ass would be a more timeless logo for the GOP.

9 wrenchwench  May 7, 2014 5:35:46pm
10 b.d.  May 7, 2014 5:36:48pm

re: #7 Gus

That can’t be real, they aren’t asking for money

11 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:38:30pm

re: #10 b.d.

That can’t be real, they aren’t asking for money

benghaziwatchdogs.com

12 Charles Johnson  May 7, 2014 5:40:30pm

I’m usually less than impressed with “remastered” versions of classic albums, but this one really is terrific:

I still think this might be the best album by Yes - the one where they found their unique voice. The remastering process brings out the qualities of each instrument in the mix beautifully, and it’s striking how dry and un-effected the instruments were. Occasionally there’s some light reverb on the voices, but even there most of the harmonies are dry as a bone. That was part of their sound.

14 psddluva4evah  May 7, 2014 5:45:50pm

it’s already been reported that the admin is supposed to be sending someone to Nigeria

In fact,, I’ thinking this WH wouldn’t let FLOTUS post this pic if they were not already discussing doing something…

15 b.d.  May 7, 2014 5:48:16pm

re: #11 Gus

benghaziwatchdogs.com

Oh dear God, I thought that you made that logo up and it’s for real?!?!

16 dog philosopher  May 7, 2014 5:48:59pm

пошел на хуй

Unfrozen Siberian Girlfriend certifies this as correctly obscene and is distressed that i have now become even more capable of embarrassing her in front of her parents

пизде́ц

17 freetoken  May 7, 2014 5:49:42pm

re: #15 b.d.

And of course the top right part of the page is an advert for a Reagan t-shirt. The same RWR who presided over the bombing deaths of Marines in Lebanon.

18 dog philosopher  May 7, 2014 5:50:45pm

Benghazi Watchdog

will never remotely compete with “when’s the game on?”

19 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:52:18pm

re: #15 b.d.

Oh dear God, I thought that you made that logo up and it’s for real?!?!

Sort of… :D

20 Ed E. Lishus  May 7, 2014 5:52:20pm

re: #12 Charles Johnson

I’m usually less than impressed with “remastered” versions of classic albums, but this one really is terrific:

[Embedded content]

I still think this might be the best album by Yes - the one where they found their unique voice. The remastering process brings out the qualities of each instrument in the mix beautifully, and it’s striking how dry and un-effected the instruments were. Occasionally there’s some light reverb on the voices, but even there most of the harmonies are dry as a bone. That was part of their sound.

Great album! Definitely a favorite among fans of the classic Yes era. Love “Yours Is No Disgrace”, “Starship Trooper”, and “Perpetual Change.”

21 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:52:30pm

22 Rightwingconspirator  May 7, 2014 5:55:35pm

BTW if you can get Al Jazeera America they have an excellent report on Nigeria and Boko Haram.

23 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:55:49pm

Oops.

24 b.d.  May 7, 2014 5:56:41pm

re: #21 Gus

[Embedded image]

I am dumbfounded and at a loss of words which is an unfamiliar situation for me.

$30-$35!!

The store page is a real eye opener too. Their cheap stuff sure ain’t cheap.

25 Killgore Trout  May 7, 2014 5:56:51pm

re: #14 psddluva4evah

[Embedded content]

it’s already been reported that the admin is supposed to be sending someone to Nigeria

In fact,, I’ thinking this WH wouldn’t let FLOTUS post this pic if they were not already discussing doing something…

U.S. Sending Small Military Team to Nigeria to Help Plan Search For Girls Held By Militants
10 military investigators and administers, some FBI. I was hoping for a small commando force but it looks like we’re just sending administrative help. I guess the thinking is a rescue could get messy and it looks better to have the Nigerian forces take the blame if things go poorly. Still I think a couple dozen highly trained Seals would be more effective.

26 wrenchwench  May 7, 2014 5:57:25pm

re: #12 Charles Johnson

I’m usually less than impressed with “remastered” versions of classic albums, but this one really is terrific:

[Embedded content]

I still think this might be the best album by Yes - the one where they found their unique voice. The remastering process brings out the qualities of each instrument in the mix beautifully, and it’s striking how dry and un-effected the instruments were. Occasionally there’s some light reverb on the voices, but even there most of the harmonies are dry as a bone. That was part of their sound.

I had a friend in high school who had an unrequited crush on my best friend. When he finally gave up on her, he became kind of ascetic and anti-materialistic, and he gave me all his albums (like 75 of them), except the ones by Yes. He kept those. I have a Yes-shaped hole in my listening history.

27 freetoken  May 7, 2014 5:57:47pm

WaPo notices that news sites have a comments problem:

Some news sites cracking down on over-the-top comments

28 Fairly Sure I'm Still Obdicut  May 7, 2014 5:58:00pm

re: #25 Killgore Trout

Five hundred SEALs would be even more effective, Killgore.

How did you arrive at your no-doubt meticulously researched number of ‘a couple dozen’?

29 Skip Intro  May 7, 2014 5:58:21pm

re: #24 b.d.

I am dumbfounded and at a loss of words which is an unfamiliar situation for me.

$30-$35!!

The store page is a real eye opener too. Their cheap stuff sure ain’t cheap.

It costs money to import fine apparel like this from China.

30 Pie-onist Overlord  May 7, 2014 5:58:57pm

re: #6 b.d.

Space is scary, that’s where the Roman Gods are.

That’s also where Asgard is.

What if Zeus & Apollo went to war against Thor & Odin?

31 Gus  May 7, 2014 5:59:10pm

Fixed.

32 freetoken  May 7, 2014 5:59:25pm

In CO you can now stash your stash cash:

Colorado Approves First Marijuana Banking System

33 Gus  May 7, 2014 6:00:07pm
34 Gus  May 7, 2014 6:00:34pm

Trutherssssss. Derp.

35 Gus  May 7, 2014 6:01:25pm

Saved the page and edited it with Notepad and did some minor text work with PS.

36 psddluva4evah  May 7, 2014 6:05:59pm

re: #25 Killgore Trout

It’s been reported that some of the girls may have already been sold off or something and the Nigerian gov’t has been sitting on this for a while and it’s the parents of the girls and social media, that have brought it past the gov’t attention.

I’d think it be a bad idea to send in the SEALS when you are not sure of the full particulars of the possible “rescue” mission

37 b_sharp  May 7, 2014 6:11:03pm

re: #26 wrenchwench

I had a friend in high school who had an unrequited crush on my best friend. When he finally gave up on her, he became kind of ascetic and anti-materialistic, and he gave me all his albums (like 75 of them), except the ones by Yes. He kept those. I have a Yes-shaped hole in my listening history.

As do many young men who seldom hear that word.

38 Killgore Trout  May 7, 2014 6:13:14pm

re: #36 psddluva4evah

It’s been reported that some of the girls may have already been sold off or something and the Nigerian gov’t has been sitting on this for a while and it’s the parents of the girls and social media, that have brought it past the gov’t attention.

I’d think it be a bad idea to send in the SEALS when you are not sure of the full particulars of the possible “rescue” mission

Agreed, by now I would assume that some have been sold and the group is probably broken up and held in different locations. But I really worry about the Nigerian military’s capabilities in handling something as delicate as hostage rescue.

39 sagehen  May 7, 2014 6:16:43pm

re: #25 Killgore Trout

U.S. Sending Small Military Team to Nigeria to Help Plan Search For Girls Held By Militants
10 military investigators and administers, some FBI. I was hoping for a small commando force but it looks like we’re just sending administrative help. I guess the thinking is a rescue could get messy and it looks better to have the Nigerian forces take the blame if things go poorly. Still I think a couple dozen highly trained Seals would be more effective.

If that “administrative help” has communication intercepts (*every cellphone in the world!!*), including location coordinates, and maybe they’re listening and not just caching metadata…

40 psddluva4evah  May 7, 2014 6:21:41pm

re: #38 Killgore Trout

Def agree about the Nigerian gov’t. From what I’ve been reading, the gov’t had actually been trying to silence the protesters, but at this point thanks to social media, it has gotten attention past the Nigerian gov’t

41 Killgore Trout  May 7, 2014 6:30:56pm

re: #40 psddluva4evah

Def agree about the Nigerian gov’t. From what I’ve been reading, the gov’t had actually been trying to silence the protesters, but at this point thanks to social media, it has gotten attention past the Nigerian gov’t

Good point. I was just thinking about training and gear but there’s a whole other set of problems with leaks, bribes, dual loyalties and general corruption within the police and military. Oh well, I guess all we can do is hope for the best.

42 Stanley Sea  May 7, 2014 6:38:19pm

He engages the noobs to get response.


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