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Onion Exclusive: Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity

Creationist-baiting
Humor • Views: 11,136

Gotta love it when The Onion trolls creationists: Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity.

BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.

The recently discovered sacred ancestor, a divine chimp species scientists have named Pan sanctorum, reportedly gave rise over millions of years to the Lord Our God, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

“Although perhaps not obvious at first glance, there are actually overwhelming similarities between the Supreme Being of today and this early primate deity who preceded Him,” said Dr. Richard Kamen, a leading biologist who also heads Berkeley’s paleotheology department. “The holy chimp moved around on all fours, but its descendants eventually began walking upright to expend less energy while foraging across the infinite reaches of the universe. This of course led to the bipedalism of modern-day God.”

In Which Peggy Noonan Wrestles the Many-Armed Squid in Ink-Darkened Water

Inadvertent wingnut comedy is the best
Humor • Views: 13,867
Image via Shutterstock

Perhaps the greatest Peggy Noonan paragraph ever.

The program is unique in that it touches on an intimate and very human part of life, the health of one’s body, and yet normal people have been almost wholly excluded from the debate. This surely was not a bug but a feature. Given a program whose complexity is so utter and defeating that it defies any normal human attempt at comprehension, two things will happen. Those inclined to like the spirit of the thing will support it on the assumption the government knows what its doing. And the opposition will find it difficult to effectively oppose—or repeal the thing—because of the program’s bureaucratic density and complexity. It’s like wrestling a manic, many-armed squid in ink-darkened water.

Stephen Colbert vs. the Attack of the Hashtag Activists

The end of @ColbertReport
Humor • Views: 15,376

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 Frank says:

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.