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Glenn Beck Decides: The Earth Is 7,000 Years Old

Wrestling with a controversial issue
Wingnuts • Views: 27,954

Following Marco Rubio’s comments about the age of the Earth (“I’m not a scientist, man”), it’s been tragically hilarious — and sadly revealing — to watch the entire right wing wrestle with the issue.

Here’s Glenn Beck and his crew struggling to figure out whether the Bible actually gives an age for the Earth, because of course that would be the true age, never mind what those secular elitist eggheads think, they’re going to hell anyway.

Beck eventually decides that since each day for God equals 1,000 years, and God created the universe in 7 days, that must mean the Earth is 7,000 years old.

*headdesk*

CNN Contributor Erick Erickson’s Right Wing Manifesto of Magical Thinking

Welcome to the Dark Ages
Wingnuts • Views: 26,499

You know how I said yesterday was Right Wing Anti-Science Day? Well, I was wrong, because every day is right wing anti-science day! And today we have a real howler of an anti-rational manifesto, courtesy of CNN contributor Erick Erickson.

I have to give credit where it’s due: Erickson does not try to dodge the issue, like Marco Rubio did. He’s anti-science and extremely proud of it, and he wants the world to know.

I reject evolution for the sake of evolution and reject that life on this planet, let alone the existence of this universe, is some random act. I reject that we are little better than the animals we evolved from because I reject that we evolved from anything other than God’s own mind. We were created in his image. We did not evolve into it. The only people certain in their belief on this matter are those who accept theory as fact and Truth as mythology.

[…Bible quote…]

The difference between the atheist and secular set on the left and even the right is that while they and I can think the Earth is billions of years old and they and I can think there was a big bang starting it all, we really do not know for sure and they absolutely do not know what came before the big bang. But I do.

[…Bible quote…]

But let’s not stop there. Because once every Christian politician in the country has answered that question, the secular set will just move on. Let me move on first.

Yes, I believe there was an Adam and I believe there was an Eve.

Yes, I believe there were two cities named Sodom and Gomorrah and yes I do believe they were destroyed for rampant sin including deviating from God’s intentions sexually.

Yes, I believe there was a man named Noah who spent 100 years building a giant boat and I do believe there was a great flood and the survivors of which were all on that boat.

And yes, I do believe there was a man named Jonah who was swallowed up by a great big fish and survived.

Above all those things, I do believe God came down to Earth in the form of Jesus

[…Bible quote…]

I absolutely believe it. I absolutely believe if by that time a person has not chosen Christ, he will end up in a very bad place. I believe in Heaven and Hell and the battle that rages between the two on a higher plane than we can often see.

Meanwhile, these secularists and atheists cannot even be honest about when life begins.

If you don’t follow Erickson’s brand of Biblical literalism, you’re simply not a Christian:

If you do not believe in the miraculous, you are not a Christian; it is as simple as that.

And if you’re not a Christian by his definition, and you don’t subscribe to his medieval magical thinking, you are doomed to burn in the eternal fires of hell, you filthy secularist hypocrite.

Many of the things I believe are miracles. Many of the things I believe have come to pass. Christ told us that those who were with him would be opposed by this world. The secularists of this world, I believe, can embrace fully contradictory things like support for gay rights and the advance of Islam into the Western World, because those things come from this world, not from Christ. The left is perfectly capable of contradiction and hypocrisy because they believe in nothing so much as themselves and the things of this world. Therefore, to them, there can be no contradiction and no hypocrisy in their world unless it comes from those who fail to meet the standards set by the faith of so many Christians.

He concludes with:

Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving Holiday.

Unless you’re burning in the eternal fires of hell, that is.

Related

Brain-Dead Breitbart Rant of the Day: “The Onion Goes Anti-Semitic”

Humor: unclear on the concept
Wingnuts • Views: 25,853

We have a winner in today’s Most Ridiculous Right Wing Rant contest, and once again it goes to the inimitable, reliably deranged breitbart.com, where hack William Bigelow is screaming in all caps: THE ONION GOES ANTI-SEMITIC!

So now The Onion, celebrated for their zany approach to the news, has fallen under the spell of the radical left and has become one more mouthpiece for anti-Semitic propaganda. In their latest attempt at humor, The Onion posted this piece of Palestinian propaganda:

As civilian casualties continue to mount amid the escalating conflict along the Gaza Strip, 8-year-old Palestinian boy Walid Suleiman expressed both joy and astonishment Monday that he has yet to be killed in an Israeli military attack. ‘Boy, I thought I’d be dead by this past Saturday for sure, but amazingly enough, here I am,’ said Suleiman, adding that he is ‘pleased, but pretty shocked’ not to be among the estimated 100 Palestinians left dead by widespread Israeli airstrikes in the region over the past six days. ‘I’d have bet you anything that by today they’d have already dug my corpse out from underneath a giant pile of rubble and buried me alongside the rest of my family. Guess I won the lottery, eh?’ At press time, incoming Israeli aircraft could be heard swiftly approaching as Suleiman limped back to his home.

That’s the ticket, Onion. Buy into the ‘plight’ of the Palestinians and ignore the fact that Hamas started the violence, that Hamas has fired on Israeli cities, that there are strong rumors that Hamas now has chemical weapons it can launch. Ignore the fact that Hamas deliberately places its rocket sites in civilian areas in an attempt to force Israel to kill civilians for left wing media consumption. Ignore that Hamas deliberately targets civilians while Israel takes great care not to.

Here’s one for you, Onion:

As their print version dried up with the last issue on November 1, 2012, the Onion, the celebrated satirical publication, decided to sell out to anti-Semitic propagandizing. ‘We noticed that Jews are becoming an easy target for vilification,’ explained the editor, ‘and we just couldn’t resist the impulse to jump on the bandwagon. I mean, look at history; some of the most successful publications in history, like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, vilified the Jews too.’

Where do you even start with such a humorless drone of a Breitbrat? I guess he’s never noticed that the Onion is satire, which is odd because that’s usually Rush Limbaugh’s excuse and you’d think wingnuts would be familiar with the concept. Yes, the Onion’s satire is often very pointed and pushes people’s buttons, and it obviously pushed William Bigelow’s wingnut rant button, which for the Onion is a mark of success.

But look: the Onion makes fun of everyone and everything. It’s what they’ve been doing for many years. For example, this article that’s every bit as brutal as the one Bigelow’s clutching his pearls over: Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered by Stereotypes.

HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.

“As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media,” said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area terrorist maniac. “None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance.”

He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.

William Bigelow, by the way, was featured in August at LGF when he posted a stunningly bigoted anti-Muslim conspiracy theory at breitbart.com, earning him the title: Your Bigoted Fear-Mongering All-Caps Breitbart.com Headline of the Day.

With this non-satirical illustration:

That actually could have been an Onion headline, but Bigelow was not joking.

‘Unskewed Polls’ Right Wing Kook Launches ‘BarackOFraudo.com’

Squeezing more cash out of gullible wingnuts
Wingnuts • Views: 26,431

Demented right wing blogger Dean Chambers, who infamously tried to just make up poll numbers during the 2012 election, to the unanimous acceptance of the right wing echo chamber (and subsequent humiliation when their fake “unskewed” polls were shown to be complete frauds), is now trying to bilk some more money out of gullible wingnuts with a website that looks like it was designed by a hyper-active toddler on crack: ‘Unskewed Polls’ Founder Dean Chambers Launches Vote Fraud Website.

The name of the site: “Barack O’Fraudo.”

Dean Chambers, the founder of unskewedpolls.com, launched a new website last week alleging that President Barack Obama did not legitimately carry Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Florida, but instead won those states thanks to voter fraud.

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 Frank says:

He [Barney Frank] is one of the most impressive guys in Congress. He is a great model for young gay men.