Anarcho-Gastronomy! Pizza Assange
While reading a post from Assange’s self deleted blog it occurred to me that I had to make dinner.
The post was Assange’s advice on dieting in which he advises us all that, among many other bits of advice, we are all like lobsters.
At that moment I realized I had two uncooked lobster tails in the fridge left over from the other night that needed to be cooked today or be thrown out.
Time for me to overturn the corrupt culinary order laid out for me by “neocorporatists” and “emerse” myself in … myself. I would use technology to defy my “forbears” and make a pizza with the left over lobster.
So I set up a steam table and steamed the lobster tails. While they were going I made pizza dough with a food processor using a simple recipe - 2 cups flour (just about any type of flour will do), 3/4 cup warm water, 1 1/2 tsp of dry yeast and a 1/2 tsp of sugar. Combine the sugar, water and yeast in a measuring cup and let sit for 10 minutes. The mixture will foam as the yeast consumes the sugar. Place the flour in the food processor (with blade attachment), fire that puppy up and pour the yeast water in at a slow steady rate. A dough ball will form. If it is sticky add a little more flour. If it won’t form a ball you probably need more water.
[quick edit - if you let the dough rise for a couple of hours it will make a crispier, air pocketed pizza. But the dough works fine without letting it rise if you don’t have the time - like if you need to get back to setting up a network of zombied computers to attack the various conspirators who enslave you.]
Now you can use generic pizza sauce if you like but I make my own. A quick and dirty pizza sauce that can be made in the same food processor bowl (cut down on cleaning) is to dump one small can of tomato sauce and one can of tomato paste in the bowl (same blade attachment) and then add some spices. reliable and basic is garlic powder, oregano and “italian seasoning” (just shut up and admit that you have “Italian seasoning” on your spice rack and use it). That will get you sauce for 2 pizzas. No - you don’t have to cook it - the paste and sauce were cooked in a factory. Plus, I make sauce with fresh tomatoes all the time and don’t cook it - if it goes on a pizza within minutes of making it it is safe food.
OK - we are past dough and sauce. Now the self indulgent chaos that is the backbone of Pizza Assange.
First - think white cheese. As in “cheesy white guy with white hair who likes ‘ivory’ women”. I chose grated mozzarella as the base (of course) and then added Gouda and Chevre / Goat Cheese. I figured they would complement the lobster. And if we are all like lobsters then we all want to be “complimented.” A lot. Isn’t that right, Julian?
Second - the lobster. Really simple. I hope you took those lobsters off the steam table after 7 minutes or so. If not those things will be smaller, more dense, more rubbery, and less tasty than one of those black rubber “corks” from high school chemistry class. If you did get them off, do the otherwise unthinkable and cut that cooked lobster meat into “byte” sized chunks. Don’t season the lobster or dip it in anything. Let it be. Don’t oppress your lobster. Place the lobster chunks to the side.
Place the pizza (no lobster chunks on it yet) in a 450 oven on a pizza stone if you have it or a overturned cookie sheet (enjoy turning over that cookie sheet by pretending you are turning over a police car outside of a WTO meeting). Let it cook for about 8 minutes before adding the lobster chunks. In total it should take anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes to cook.
Pull it out when the crust is hardened and scream “F*ck yea!” Wear a black hoodie and a bandanna while doing this. Slice and serve to the whole family.
Mine turned out alright - the cheeses didn’t overwhelm the lobster nor did the quick and dirty sauce. Any foodies out there feel free to suggest alternatives. Just remember - if it ain’t cheesy, white and lobster it ain’t Pizza Assange!
(The dieting advice dispensed by Assange is titled “Taming the inner Rat”)