The Top Three Heresies in the Gnostic Gospels
The Top Three Heresies in the Gnostic Gospels
Yesterday the world learned of a newly-discovered early Christian text that depicts Jesus as a married man. Jesus’ wife may be big news today, but striking and unusual variations on Christian faith have been around for a very long time. Whether you call them the gnostic gospels, the heretic gospels, the apocrypha, or Dan Brown’s raw material, early Christian texts can make for pretty interesting reading. Here are three particularly surprising heresies from outside the canon:
The Infancy Gospel of Thomas: Young Jesus the Menace
The Infancy Gospel of Thomas (not to be confused with the Gospel of Thomas; apparently there were a limited number of names in the Levant) depicts 5-year-old Jesus as a little temper-tantrum-throwing tyrant. I’m talking way beyond mischief: the word ‘demonic’ springs to mind.
A neighbor messed up the brook that he was supernaturally playing in, so Jesus cursed him; ‘thou shalt be withered like a tree, and shalt not bear leaves, neither root, nor fruit. And straightway that lad withered up wholly’ (III.2-3). Another boy bumps into him, and Jesus straight up killed the kid (IV.1). When the boy’s parents got mad at him for, you know, murdering their child, he cursed them with blindness (V.1). Joseph tried to discipline him with some righteous ear-twisting, and Jesus said, ‘Vex me not’ (V.3). Parents, keep your kids away from this gospel: they might get ideas.
I should mention that Jesus does eventually decide that his blinded, withered, and dead victims have learned their lesson, and he brings them all back:
Now let those bear fruit that were barren, and let them see that were blind in heart. I am come from above that I may curse them, and call them to the things that are above, even as he commanded which hath sent me for your sakes. And when the young child ceased speaking, immediately all they were made whole which had come under his curse.
But lest you think this is a happy, redemptive ending, check out the kicker:And no man after that durst provoke him, lest he should curse him, and he should be maimed.
Yowza.