Republican Santa Claus is coming to town…
One day up at the North Pole Santa Claus realized that after hundreds of years of providing gifts for children every Christmas, he was getting burned out and it was time to hang up his black boots and toy sack once and for all.
Not wanting to leave the children of Earth without their toys, Santa decided that instead of simply closing up the workshop and moving on with his life, he’d sell the operation to someone else who would hopefully maintain the tradition he’d worked so hard to build.
So he searched high and low for a successor and finally found one in the form of Wilford T. Brownose III, a wealthy businessman from the Southern United States. Knowing Brownose had successfully run business operations for years, Santa felt he was an ideal choice to take over the North Pole. The deal was formalized two days after Christmas 2012.
After taking over, Brownose, a longtime Republican, began immediately instituting a wide range of changes:
- He moved the head office from the North Pole to North Wall St., though the workshop stayed in the Arctic.
- He fired 4 of the 8 Reindeer because he felt there were too many and those lazy bums Donner and Blitzen never pulled their weight anyway. Rudolph, who had been a temp employee from the beginning, was simply not rehired (he was a suspected Obama voter anyway)
- He immediately eliminated all perks for the elves and mandated they work shifts that were twice as long for half the pay.
- He cut down the amount of Christmas decorations at the Pole by 75% and sold the extra decorations for a tidy little side profit.
- Required that new suppliers be sought out to provide materials for the toys at a lower cost. This of course caused a decrease in quality in the toys but Brownnose didn’t care.
After a rather tumultuous Christmas 2013, Brownnose decided the operation was still not running properly so he instituted further changes in early 2014:
- After the elves attempted to unionize, he fired every last one of them and replaced them with sweatshop labor from Malaysia and the Philippines.
- The North Pole shops continued to exist (now staffed by underpaid immigrants), but instead of making toys, they simply packaged and organized the already completed toys that were sent from the sweatshops.
- Unfortunately, due to the new Obamacare provisions coming into effect in 2014, he decided to lay off about 30% of the immigrant workforce at the Pole.
- He fired Cupid for insubordination after the dumb creature had the gall to refuse to work 18 hours straight. The remaining three Reindeer attempted to quit, but Brownose cautioned them that they’d have a tough time finding employment in this economy and would be better off staying.
- He removed practically all the Christmas decor from the North Pole shops, but somehow found time to move his central operations to an insanely expensive posh office on Wall Street.
When Christmas 2014 was over, things continued to go downhill…
- Thanks to a resolution by those morons at the U.N., Brownnose was no longer allowed to use illegal immigrant labor at the North Pole. He had a hard time finding North American employees willing to put up with the low wages and hard working conditions at the pole.
- He decided that the idea of just giving every kid a toy each Christmas amounted to socialism, so he tried to correct this by offering every child two options: A) Pay a small fee to receive your toy or B) Build your own darn toys!
- Christmas 2015 was effectively ruined by a fire that destroyed one of the sweatshops and the millions of toys it contained. On top of that, two of three remaining reindeer got sick and the lone healthy one, Prancer, was simply not enough to handle the sleigh. So none of the kids of the world got presents that year.
In early 2016, the workforce was near revolt, the three remaining reindeer all gave their notice and the management company that handled the sweatshops said they’d have to begin charging more for the products.
Facing an operation in shambles and a mountain of lawsuits relating to labor and safety law violations. Brownose simply declared bankruptcy and shut down the entire operation.
Though the elves, reindeer and North Pole workers were left with nothing, the same was not true for Wilford T. Brownose III. Thanks to selling off the Wall St. office and every expensive piece of decor it contained as well as taking advantage of tax loopholes and moving a good chunk of his money to overseas tax havens, Brownnose came out $15.2 million richer than he’d been at the start.
The story doesn’t quite end there…
At the behest of the elves and reindeer and all the children of Earth, Santa decided to come back and make things right again. He hired his old workforce back, reinstated everything Brownose had eliminated and Christmas 2016 was successful.
As for Brownnose, an SEC investigation eventually discovered evidence of “accounting irregularities” at Santa’s Workshop LLC. Brownnose was convicted, sentenced to 20 years in Prison and all his offshore monies were reclaimed by the U.S. government.
Merry Christmas everyone!