Susie Essman Wisely Suggests We Turn Our Uteruses Into Corporations
She may be kidding, but she is onto something. This has come up before, but now that the threat of GOP rule is looming right in front of us, perhaps we need to think more seriously about it. We’ll need to figure out a way to make it actually legal while we still have some friends in government. And just think about the benefits this could have:
Unlimited Protection: Gone would be the myriad attempts to restrict and regulate our reproductive rights. Yes, previously all the GOP candidates would have been happy to dictate which options we have for birth control. But now that we’ve incorporated our uteruses, they wouldn’t dream of trying to limit our God-given freedom to conduct business in any way we see fit. After all, our reproductive organs are sacred job creators—I mean, those fetuses need someplace to go be productive all day, right? And as for abortion, when our uteruses were just plain organs, the GOPers had no problem telling us we shouldn’t be able to get rid of unwanted or unhealthy pregnancies. But now? The choice is ours. After all, choice is at the heart of capitalism. Hiring, firing, expanding, contracting—we can do it all.
Cool names. Previously we just called our reproductive organs something boring like “uterus” or “womb.” But part of forming a corporation giving it a name, and this would be a great opportunity to rechristen our organs with more personalized business names: Lady Oven, LLC; Worldwide Womb; Esposito & Sons; Baby Cave, Inc. Really the possibilities are endless.
Boards, Stocks, Annual Meetings. There’s all sorts of logistical stuff involved in being a corporation, but we could make it fun. You could pick a Board of Directors made up of your favorite family and friends. It’d be sort of like asking someone to be a bridesmaid, but a little more intimate. These trusted advisors would meet and vote on the business your uterus conducted. You could sell shares of stock in your uterus. Yes, paying taxes on your womb might be kind of complex, but just imagine how invested your community could be in your reproductive health!
Political influence. Now that corporations can spend unlimited amounts of money to get people elected, we could direct our uteruses to start donating to SuperPACs, etc. By incorporating your uterus, you double your political influence over night. You personally could donate and then you could figure out a way to funnel however much you could through Uterus, Inc. and voila! You’re twice as close to electing candidates who will fight for what’s important to you.