So, a guy walks into a crowd and starts killing people…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
What?
Oh, you have. Well, yeah, I guess it’s been done to death by now, hasn’t it?
Honestly, you have to wonder if nowadays the news media just keeps a generic boilerplate for American gun violence:
[Insert Location], [insert time/day], a young [white/black/Latino/Asian/other ethnic minority] [man/woman (it could happen)] wearing [all black/tactical gear/fatigues/body armor] stormed into [his former place of work/his ex-wife’s place of work/a mall/a school/a movie theater/other crowded public venue] and started shooting people with [(liberal audience) a fully automatic assault rifle/(conservative audience)semi-automatic AR-15 Chinese-made clone].
Witnesses say that the [(liberal audience)gunman/(conservative audience) terrorist] was shouting [“Obama is the Anti-Christ!”/”Allah Akbar!”] as he methodically moved from room to room shooting [(circle all that apply): co-workers/family members/ethnic minorities/gay people/former bosses/children/teachers/government employees]. [Police/Forensic Experts/Random people on the street] say that the gunman had enough ammunition and high capacity [(if reporter actually knows anything about guns)magazines/(knows nothing)clips] to [kill dozens/render New York a lifeless wasteland].
After killing [insert number] and wounding [insert number], the gunman [was shot dead by police/turned his weapon upon himself/
taken down by a heroic good guy with with a concealed carry permit/captured alive but is now in a coma from his injuries]. A [(liberal audience)rambling letter/(conservative audience)manifesto] found on the gunman’s body declared his hatred for [the mind destroying evil of Monsanto and Big Oil/the gay agenda FEMA death camps of the New World Order]. Friends and family say he was [a nice quiet guy with mental problems/a murderous raving lunatic with mental problems).[Roger Powderburn from the National Man-Gun Love Association/Sally Tofuburger from Mad American Mothers Against Mass Murdering Machine-Guns!] called for [mowr guns!/mowr gun control!]. Powerburn was quoted as calling the women of MAMAMMMG gun grabbing [Nazis]. Tofuburger called the men of NNGLA child murdering [Nazis]. [Talk radio pundit] immediately declared the shooting to be [a staged event/false flag operation] by [“crisis actors”/the nefarious machinations of cats/Illuminati/FEMA/Barack Obama/Dick Cheney/Nazis/All of the above). In response to the increasing gun violence, the US House of Representatives voted for the [42nd/49th/101st/etc] time to repeal Obamacare.