Deer Like (Stale) Rye Bread
PRO-TIP: Deer like stale rye bread.
(Seeded, of course. I’m not a barbarian.)
How this all went down:
(YOURS TRULY comes out onto patio, coffee in hand, to have a cigarette, and espies two DEER not ten feet away. The three regard each other, laconically.)
BIG DEER: ‘Sup?
YT: ‘Sup? (sips coffee)
BIG DEER: It’s wicked cold out here, innit? I think I froze my balls off.
YT: Hate to point out, pard, but you got no antlers. Methinks you’re a doe.
BIG DEER: (sotto voce) No one gets my jokes.
LITTLE DEER: (brightly) I’m laying! In the snow! It’s chilly!
(YT and BIG DEER look at LITTLE DEER)
YT: (sips) Yup.
BIG DEER: Ignore her.
YT: You guys hungry?
BIG DEER: (suspiciously) Whyyyyy?
LITTLE DEER: YES! I haven’t had breakfast yet. I like grass, but this is covered in snow, and it’s not much like ice cream.
YT: Be right back. (re-enters apartment; returns with remnants of stale loaf of rye bread.) Here: try some of this. (Scales two pieces of bread at the DEER)
BIG DEER: (sniffs) What is this crap? (takes a small bite) Yuck, that tastes like crap.
LITTLE DEER: (standing and walking over) I WANT SOME! (gobbles entire piece of bread) NOM NOM NOM!
BIG DEER: (wrinkles nose) I guess it isn’t THAT bad. (gobbles, sans noms)
(YT scales last two pieces of bread at the DEER)
LITTLE DEER: It’s a festival of bread!
BIG DEER: (to YT) I’m only eating this out of politeness.
(DEER finish eating bread; look expectantly at YT)
YT: Thass all, yo.
(DEER continue staring at YT)
(YT sips coffee)
BIG DEER: Screw this, I’m outta here! Thanks for your weird bread!
LITTLE DEER: (turns around, takes a dump, whisks tail, walks off) Bye!