The Circle by Dr. Julie Bindeman
All of you loss moms can empathize when I mention that I have lost three babies. My first was an early loss—6 weeks along, although I didn’t learn until I was supposed to be 8 weeks. A miscarriage. This is a fairly common story, and my feelings are no doubt familiar to many. My subsequent pregnancy after the miscarriage was fraught with early anxiety. Again, I imagine this is a place where we all can understand one another.
To start, I found out I was pregnant because I was bleeding. I was convinced I was going to miscarry again, and this time, I didn’t get to even enjoy a few moments of knowing I was pregnant. As it was, the bleeding was separate from the pregnancy, and the baby was fine. I was monitored, and the bleeding eventually stopped after a few weeks. I left the first trimester behind, with the baby growing, and feeling like I was in the safe zone.
This baby boy died during my 21st week of pregnancy. At this point in my story, I could stop. I would be enveloped by too many other women who have felt the agony of loss. But if I stopped at this point, I would be inauthentic to my son, for that is not his whole story.
And here is where I stand outside of the grief circle. My son’s death was not a surprise after a routine doctor’s visit. Nor was it the result of preterm labor. At 20 weeks, we learned that our son had no brain. A week later, I consented to my labor being induced, knowing that our brief hello would simultaneously mean goodbye.