If you thought the reboot of the events leading up to the Great Penis Hunt of the 1990s was going to be incomplete, you can rest easily. With Captain Kangaroo in the House gearing up for his summerlong close-up, one might think that the buffet of nothingburgers would be somewhat limited. Surely, a prolonged examination of Benghazi, Benghazi!, BENGHAZI! would be enough to monkeywrench the presidential aspirations of Hillary Clinton, as well helping to paralyze the adminstration sufficiently to slide past the midterms. Ah, but you have forgotten the ironclad rule of shiny phony scandals, established twenty years ago, and enabled by the important journalistic principle of Hey, It’s Out There. After Whitewater, there is always Castle Grande. After Castle Grande, there are always cattle futures. After the cattle futures, there are always the billing records. After the billing records, there is always TravelGate. After TravelGate, there is always Vince Foster. After Fast and Furious, there’s always the IRS. After the IRS, there is Benghazi, Benghazi!, BENGHAZI! After Benghazi, Benghazi!, BENGHAZI!, there is…this.

(And what are you hiding, anyway?)

It’s beginning again, because the next big scandal is going to be about the abduction of more than 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and what will be framed as the allegedly inadequate response of the administration to the rising threat of the Boko Haram terrorist group, especially the allegedly inadequate response of the Department of State, Hillary Clinton, Secretary. And here it comes, from the Daily Caller, the scarecrow on which Tucker Carlson has hung the bloody entrails of his career.

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