Men Are Uptalking? And, Like, It’s Not the End of the World
This one is no exception. Like most alarmist “DANGER! MEN UPTALK!” pieces, it’s roiling with casual sexism. Here is how the author profiles the typical female uptalker (bad), which she then compares to a Man (good):
If you’re picturing a young, attractive girl-woman talking, forcing you to weigh whether you can tourniquet the blood trickling from your eardrums long enough to get her undressed, think again. Now it’s your best friend doing it. Or worse: you. The fact is, men are now upspeaking, too.
Ugh, fuckin’ ditzy-yet-hot girl-women. It’s just horrible that you must endure all their literally torturous yammering for however long it takes to remove their clothing and then promptly intercourse them. Can you imagine the hell that would be unleashed upon this planet if your best friend (male, duh) started sounding like one of them? The horror!
From here, we project into the dystopian hellscape that is you and your bros talking like a specific subset of women:
Consider, just on a logistical level, what might happen if you started upspeaking some basic sentences… ‘I think that’s, like, too expensive?’ If you have a partner with “different ideas about money,” understand what she might do with this: treat you like the quavery schoolgirl you sound like and buy herself a fancy new bag. To put your plums in because you don’t need them anymore.
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