I Could Have Been Elliot Rodger: Young, Frustrated, and Full of Rage Toward Women.
Things are much better now. I live with a wonderful girlfriend, and work at a job I enjoy. Age and antidepressants have mellowed me, and a healthier diet and regular exercise have imbued me with greater self-confidence. But as Paul Schrader—who created Travis Bickle, the ultimate lonely psychopath—once said, “You never outrun your childhood.”
So while my anger and misogyny have subsided, they’ve never completely gone away. Over the past 15 years, I’ve gone through romantic breakups that included hideous words and actions, and I’ve argued with female co-workers in ways I never would with men. Just a few months ago, I got into a screaming match with my father’s wife in which I called her atrocious names.
What did I just read? You were a misfit, you weren’t attractive, you were lonely, bla bla. So what? Welcome to life. Do guys simply think that women also aren’t unattractively, lonely, marginalized, etc? More…
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Every one of these incidents fills me with shame and regret. The self-loathing I used to feel over my weight and loneliness doesn’t begin to compare to the self-loathing I feel over my pointless, childish cruelty.
So the Elliot Rodger inside me is not dead. He’s not as active as he used to be, but I fear he’ll always be in there, lurking, waiting for the next moment to show everyone who the alpha male is now, bitches.