Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu
Hey look who the the Supreme Court has ruled has religious exemptions now. Thanks for paving the way, Hobby Lobby! Now the followers of Cthulhu will be able to sacrifice their virgins in peace!
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company’s right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One’s slumber in the sunken city of R’lyeh.