Put Away Your Bible, Justice: The New “Religious Freedom” Arguments Are Neither
An illustrative confession. I would like to arrange a biblical marriage for myself. That is, a flat-out, no-holds-barred “traditional” marriage purely and distinctly in accordance with hallowed biblical criteria. Of course, I plan to follow Genesis 2:24 and “cleave” unto my wife. I’m supposed to become “of one flesh” with her. But note that contrary to Pope John Paul’s statement, the Bible doesn’t anywhere say I can have only one wife. Just after the above-cited verse, we read in Genesis 4:19 about Lamech, who took two wives. The patriarch Abraham - the founding father of three world religions — had two, and King Solomon had 700. So I’m going to marry as many times as I like, and “cleave” unto each one in turn, depending on the night of the week.
I also plan on following the examples laid down in the Good Book and helping myself to the sexual favors of our domestic help, which I will not, however, enslave, as Leviticus 25:44-46 allows. If any putative brother of mine should kick the bucket, I will immediately wed his wife, as the Bible (Genesis 38:8-10) commands me to do, on pain of death. (Strangely, the only known death-penalty victim of this obscure biblical statute was the hapless Onan, who has undeservedly gone down in history as the world’s most notorious masturbator, when, in fact, he was only a spiteful practitioner of coitus interruptus.)
If any of my proliferating wives dare rebuke me, I’ll thunder words from Ephesians 5:22-33 at them. They must, that verse says, submit unto me “as unto the Lord” Himself. And if they should behave foolishly, I intend to beat them, as is stipulated in Proverbs 10:12-31.
Also, I, as the Lord-designated (per Ephesians 5:23) head of my household, intend to enforce other biblical injunctions as well, including those of Leviticus. I will administer death or beatings, as the Law ordains, to my wives if they reap the edges of a field, plant differing seeds in that field (both from 19:19), pick up fallen grapes in our vineyard (19:10), sell an Israelite as a slave (25:40), or wear clothes mixing different kinds of fabric (again from 19:19).
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