An Open Letter to Donald J. Trump
August 2, 2015
The Honorable Dr. Donald Trump
New York, New York
Dear Dr. Trump:
I was going to wait until I had MORE in-depth analysis for your campaign, but sometimes you got to strike when the fire is hot.
Let me start off by saying it was brilliant how you fired that guy, and then rehired him, and then fired him again for those racist remarks. This just proves that you’re three squares ahead of everybody else playing the game. While other campaigns would have lost TWO key players in such a short time, you only lost ONE — and the great thing is, you can hire him again and then fire him again the NEXT time something happens. It feeds on itself!
I read about your campaign’s recent trademark application for the words TRUMPOCRAT and TRUMPUBLICAN. This is awesome. After 2017, there will be HUNDREDS of proud TRUMPOCRATS and TRUMPUBLICANS you can sell stuff to. In fact, when you start to sell the T-shirts, I would like two of each, please.
However, I think you should be more comprehensive - to be safe, you probably should file trademark applications for TRUMPERTARIAN and TRUMPSERVATIVE and TRUMPBERAL. Is the Know-Nothing Party still around these days? If so, you should probably register TRUMP KNOW-NOTHING PARTY as well. I’d do it myself, but I’m a little short on cash right now.
I read about Former Ex-Governor Rick Perry’s challenge to you to a pull up contest. You should take him up on this. You’re 6’4”, and he’s only 6’1”, so you’ve already got a pretty good head start.
Here’s a suggestion for you. Whenever you go on TV and people call you or your ideas crazy, you should shake your fist at them and go “CRAZY? YOU THINK THAT’S CRAZY? I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!” I love it when they do that in the movies, and I think even MORE people would vote for you if you did that.
One other thing I wanted to advise you on is the recent story about that lion that got shot, Clarence. If you ask me, that dentist was doing that lion a favor. It’s not like he’d be able to hunt prey being cross-eyed, right?
I know that your son, Donald Junior, is a hunter and he’s killed a few exotic animals like elephants and leopards and rhinocerussusses, so you’ve probably been asked about this already.
It’s a complete mystery to me, but for whatever reason some people get ALL bent out of shape when you shoot an elephant or lion or grazelle. Personally, I would LOVE to shoot an elephant, but I’d never get the head through the trailer door. I guess I’ll have to leave that sort of thing to you rich guys!
But at least until the campaign is over, you should take him aside and tell him “Donald Junior, don’t shoot anything else for a while, at least until I wrap up the nomination.” If he gives you the old “No way, dad, killing endangered species is in my blood” response, just ship him off to boarding school for a couple of years. Problem solved!
Your #2 Fan,
P.S. - Vote Donald, and think V-D!