The Hoffman Files: “Time for a Time Capsule”
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Time for a time capsule
By Rob Hoffman on May 8, 2017 at 5:30 AM
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Last summer I received a call from Gowana Middle School, one of three middle schools in the Shenendehowa school district where both of my children attended and graduated from. My oldest son Andrew last attended Gowana in 2005, so imagine my surprise that not only were we being called by his middle school in a district where neither of my children had been “middle schoolers” for a considerable amount of time, but that the school was calling looking for my eldest son. My mind began to race as I attempted to figure out what the school might want with him. I boiled it down to a few logical possibilities.
He failed a class in 8th grade, and he hadn’t really graduated from middle school. Now he was going to have to come back and complete one of his classes, most likely “wood shop” or something inane like that.
They just found an unprocesed referral that he earned for a “tardy” back in 2003. Unfortunately, he would have to serve a detention, otherwise his diploma would be pulled.
He failed to return a library book. Regretfully, the school has no other choice but to turn his name over to Homeland Security. (The book was probably Captain Underpants or one of the other classics or period pieces from that time such as Lemony Snicket.
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Every adult’s nightmare, being called on the carpet by their middle school principal, most likely by some sort of “Mr. Rooney” type who lives to “bust balls.” (You Tube)
As it would turn out, none of the above scenarios would turn out to be the reason behind the call. In fact, if you had a hundred guesses, you probably wouldn’t be able to reach the proper conclusion. Apparently, when my son’s class was in 8th grade, they were all asked to put together a “Time Capsule,” and apparently that time capsule was going to be opened in 10 years or something along those lines. The school informed me that it was time to pick up my child’s time capsule, and so down to Gowana I went.
I went down to the school to collect the item, and I couldn’t wait to see what my son had put in his time capsule. This was his chance to tell the citizens of earth what life was like in the early 2000s in the United States. This was his opportunity to tell the world about his values, as well as what his classmates, his school, and his hometown of Clifton Park held dear. I was giddy with anticipation. (Well, “giddy’s” a little strong. I was mildly curious, and it was an excuse to get away from my wife’s “Honey Do” list that she leaves me every summer while I’m recovering from another grueling school year.)
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What better way for my son to explain to the people of 2015 what 2005 was like than by placing a copy of the number one book of 2005, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, in his time capsule. The success of Harry Potter has led to the idea that college students now join “Quidditch” teams. Joining the “Quidditch” team essentially amounts to running around with a broom up your butt. (You Tube)
I opened my son’s time capsule, and at first I was all smiles. The first thing I pulled out was a note that said that his favorite team was the New York Mets, and that his favorite players were Mike Piazza and Pedro Martinez. I thought to myself, “How cute, it reminds me so much of when he was a kid.” As I began to dig deeper, it started to occur to me that this little note about the Mets was going to constitute the highlight of this particular trip down memory lane. Apparently upon discussing this with my son, his teacher had given the class the entire year to put together these time capsules, and fill them with special mementos. My son, who unfortunately takes after his “old man” when it comes to leaving responsibility to the absolute last second, was sitting in class when his teacher announced, “Okay, does everybody have their time capsules ready?” At that point, my son let out a discernible, “D’oh!” I’m assuming it sounded something like this.
(Yes Andrew, D’oh indeed. You Tube)
In essence, the rest of the time capsule was filled with crumpled up pieces of paper filled with half-complete math problems, goofy notes that he and his buddies had apparently written back and forth to each other in class, (This was during the pre-texting era) and other doodles and drawings that aren’t likely to be hung in the Metropolitan Museum of Art any time soon, even in the Abstract Art section.
While I found the whole thing kind of amusing, (And due to ex-post facto laws, I couldn’t punish him for a poorly done school assignment 10 years later, especially since he has since moved out of the house, as well as out of the state.) it did get me thinking about what I would put in to a time capsule, and how a time capsule is in many respects, our legacy. A time capsule represents the things that we as individuals, as well as a society wish to pass down to future generations. An attempt if you will, to summarize and explain to those still not born, what life was like during our time, in addition to providing the “why’s” and “how’s” that would help to explain what happened in the past.
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When you study the stone figures found at Stonehenge, you may be in fact receiving a message from the past. They represent a time capsule of sorts, passed down by the Druids. However, would it have killed them to stick a little note inside one of them just to give us a clue? (Getty Images)
It doesn’t seem like ancient civilizations invested a lot of time putting together time capsules for those of us who came after them. The closest thing to a time capsule that ancient man delivered to us was in their artifacts and ruins that have survived through the ages. These items have been left by our ancestors in order for us to try to decipher what their lives were really like. Their carvings, paintings, sculptures, and buildings provide us with clues, a picture of what these ancient civilizations might have held dear. However, they often leave us with more questions than answers.
While classic structures such as the great Roman Colosseum or the Parthenon in Greece constitute little in the way of mystery, structures such as the “Giant Heads” of Easter Island or the afore-mentioned Stonehenge, leave us in the dark as to the “how’s” and “why’s” of ancient civilizations. They provide us with no real explanations, so we are left guessing. However, since the advent of language, we have been able to add context to much of what his been discovered about ancient man, and that has helped us answer many questions about the past.
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Historians and archeologists have spent generations trying to figure out what these heads mean, and who put them there. Easter Island off the coast of Chile seems like a bizarre place to find or get heads. (Getty Images)
When cultures of the past didn’t possess a written language however, or used a language that modern archaeologists or linguists can’t quite decipher, then the artifacts these cultures from the past leave behind often tell an incomplete story, or none at all. For example, it turned out that the Vikings (Not Alan Page or Carl Eller) landed in North America hundreds of years before Columbus, but the world never knew since they didn’t possess a written language, and passed their history down through oral traditions. The same goes with many African cultures, which is one of the reasons why many Europeans and Americans believed that there wasn’t a vibrant culture in Africa. (That and racism, lots and lots of racism.)
In several areas around the world, paintings and carvings that appear to look like spaceships and aliens, inhabit the caves and dwellings of those who lived thousands of years ago. Even more incredible is the fact that some of the drawings and carvings found in the jungles of Peru are eerily identical to ones found in Australia. Were ancient humans trying to tell us something? Are these clues that our distant relatives have left behind for us to understand? Or were they just a bunch of bored savages who were high on peyote? I mean, how can we really be sure?
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Is this an attempt by ancient humans to communicate with those of us in the present? Perhaps. I see, alien looking figures, a woman’s “boobs,” livestock, and some other unidentifiable items. It looks like a bunch of alien “douches” showed up, stole the livestock, and somehow conned the women into taking off their tops. Hey, that’s what I see anyway. (Getty Images)
So if we were to somehow assemble a time capsule that encapsulates our civilization so people in the future would know what we were about as a society, what would we include? We are a diverse people, it’s not that easy to throw a few knickknacks in a box and say, “There you have it, 21st century Americans, summed up in a cell phone, a laptop, and a baseball hat.” All three of those would have to be included by the way.
I know there are some who would wish to throw in highbrow items such as art, architecture, sculptures, and poetry, while others of more pedestrian tastes would rather include, a can of “chaw,” a “Cat Power” baseball hat, a picture of a NASCAR driver named either Terry, or Bobby, a can of “Bud,” and a Toby Keith album. However, unlike literally everything else in our screwed up society, let’s make our time capsule non-partisan. An ode to Jacob Javits and Sam Nunn if you will. (Google them)
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So you’re probably thinking, “Rob, are you going to put in something about the Patriots? After all, football is the most popular sport of our time, and the Patriots are the most successful franchise.” My answer would of course be yes, the Patriots would be well-represented, and I would absolutely show the people of the future the secret to their success. (You Tube)
Before we decide what we are going to put in to our time capsule, let’s just review a few of the ground-rules:
This is just for the United States, anything we try to do that represents the world is going to be “America-centric” anyway, so why even pretend? In other words, let some fat, balding, cranky, middle-aged blogger from Turkmenistan worry about his own time capsule.
We can’t represent everything that everybody holds dear, and we are going to put things in that don’t necessarily represent everybody’s cultural mores and tastes. For example, you would have to put a cell-phone in, even though my brother hates them and feels they aren’t necessary.
It has to focus on the here and now. We can’t include everything from the 20th century, it has to be a slice of contemporary life.
Popular demand is hard to resist. We may have to put in certain items that we feel are offensive, or completely non-representative of our beliefs. However, that’s the way it goes. After all, I don’t want to come off as some “East Coast elitist.”
Unlike in other important aspects of life, size doesn’t matter.
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What will the people of the future look like who open up our time capsule? It is impossible to say, but usually they are depicted as pale and hairless. I have always found that portrayal offensive since I’m a hairy Eastern European, and it’s obvious that when people think about the future, they assume we will be more highly evolved, which means that on the evolutionary scale, I’m lagging at the back of the line, with my hairy knuckles dragging on the floor. (You Tube)
So, here’s our 2017 Time Capsule for the people of the United States in 2217.
An iPhone – It is so much a part of every person’s life that it seems almost unimaginable to anyone that there was ever a time when we didn’t have one. The people of the future are going to want to know what we did with our time. Sadly, “playing on our phones” is going to be the answer.
Laptop – Future generations will discover that people used them for work, for research, for watching movies, television, and of course…smut! It changed work, socialization, the entertainment industry, and drove the movie theaters that showed “XXX” rated movies right out of business.
Pictures of Celebrities – We are a celebrity driven culture in 2017, and we as a people have had a love/hate relationship with these celebrities. Who would I include pictures of? In no particular order, I believe that our time capsule should include photographs of….Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Oprah Winfrey, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Tom Brady, Donald Trump, (Oh lord forgive me!) Barack Obama, Lady Gaga, Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon, Howard Stern, Sean Hannity, (Yuck!) and “The Rock.”
Pop Culture Examples – You would have to throw in several DVD’s of popular television programs, which means a lot of reality based programming such as The Bachelor, Survivor, Housewives of New Jersey or Beverly Hills, or whatever, Naked and Afraid, Duck Dynasty, The Voice, and Dancing with the Stars. Plus, don’t forget the entire Fast and Furious series, and a whole bunch of superhero movies. (Man, the people of 2217 are going to think we were really a bunch of “goobers.”)
A “Make America Great Again” hat – The good Lord only knows how the Trump presidency is going to turn out, but the people of 2217 will want to know how he came to power, and what the people of this time period in history were thinking.
A Prius – This would demonstrate to the people of the future that at least some of us were trying to do our part. (Not me of course, but others.) Of course, these future people will be walking around in Alaska shirtless in January thanks to the far warmer temperatures that our planet will be experiencing in 2217, and I’m sure they’ll want to know if we were aware of this phenomenon, and if we did anything to deal with it.
A Picture of Putin – The people of 2217 will want to know who the most powerful and influential man in the world was in 2017, and how shirtless bear wrestling became an Olympic sport.
A Football…slightly deflated – Well, certainly since NFL Football is the nation’s most popular sport, and the New England Patriots are the best team, they deserve their place in the time capsule. We will of course, in the interest of full disclosure have to explain to them who Aaron Hernandez was, and why a successful team would need to have a “Gang-banging” murderer on their team.
Guns – There’s no way to know if the future will be violent, or if guns will even exist, but I’m sure our descendents will be curious as to why we felt so scared all of the time, and how having a weapon made one feel freer.
Money – We can only speculate as to what kind of currency they will use 200 years from now, or if money will even matter. Perhaps they’ll trade “credits” or “Quatludes,” but either way, you can’t explain 2017 to the people of 2217 without them understanding the importance of money in today’s world, how it was relentlessly pursued, and how some people believed that the top 1% of earners should keep as much of it as possible, and how all of this helped define our nation.
Image result for Trump wearing a Make america great again hat albany times union
Sorry Liberals, this is real, and it’s part of who we are in 2017. As for the people of 2217 who open the time capsule and see this, all we can say is either “Sorry!” or “You’re welcome!” depending on the outcome. (Albany Times Union)
As I think about it, perhaps we should all put together a little time capsule for our own descendants to help them understand who we were and what we were about. After all, we’re not really gone, as long as we are not forgotten. Now what would I put in my own personal time capsule? It would have to include a Jets hat, Mets hat, SUNY Oswego hat, Rensselaer High School Hat, pictures of my wife, children, parents, brothers and sisters-in-laws, nieces and nephews, a picture of pizza and ice cream, a picture of beer and coffee, and my blog of course. That’s pretty much me, summed up in a handful of photographs. My teacher’s may have been right, I am pretty simple.
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On the other hand, maybe just a picture of the Village People, just to confuse people. (You Tube)