TRUMPON Venture Announced, to Compete With GROUPON!
FAKE NEWS TIME reports that the White House has announced the upcoming launch of TRUMPON, which will compete with GROUPON! The TRUMPON mobile App will make great deals available to all Americans!
At a White House Press Conference, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said:
“It’s a concept that’s similar to GROUPON, but with a new spin. In a typical deal, GROUPON offers $25 worth of food at a restaurant, if you pay $13 beforehand. Meanwhile, TRUMPON now offers $13 worth of food if you pay $25 beforehand. There are also many other exciting deals!”
In accord with the Administration’s practices of promoting Trump business ventures, the State Department confirmed that it will be promoting the TRUMPON App, which has not yet been launched for public use.
With help from real-news editors, FAKE NEWS TIME has found the TRUMPON deals’ hidden TERMS AND CONDITIONS. Here is a sampling:
DINING DEALS FOR INDIVIDUALS:
TRUMPON offers Deals On Meals (not to be confused with “Meals On Wheels,” whose funding has become jeopardized by the Trump budget)!
“WORKING DINNER” DEAL…
Dine with China’s President, and get expedited processing of trademark applications in China!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Available only to the President’s immediate family members – such as Ivanka Trump, who had three trademarks approved in China on the day she met President Xi (in April 2017).
“PRESIDENTIAL DINNER” DEAL…
Dine in the Same Room with President Trump at the White House!
PRICE: INCLUDED WITH MEMBERSHIP!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Applies only to the Winter White House – i.e., the Mar-a-Lago resort, which is owned by the Trump Organization. Meals become available to members upon joining Mar-a-Lago, whose member initiation rate doubled to $200,000 after the election.
“OPERATION DESSERT STORM” DEAL…
The most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen, plus a SURPRISE after-dessert treat!
PRICE: YOU GAIN $1.3 BILLION OVERNIGHT!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Applies to the Raytheon Company, whose stock surged by $1.3 billion in value in pre-market trading the morning after the President had eaten “the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen,” while ordering a SURPRISE after-dessert treat. The SURPRISE after-dessert treat was a 59-missile attack on Syria (on April 6, 2017). The attack will cost the American taxpayers between $47 million and $82 million. The missiles were manufactured by Raytheon, a company whose stock the President owned, according to his most recent financial disclosures (from Dec. 2016); it is unknown whether he divested his holdings.
“GUESS WHO’S COMEY-ING TO DINNER” DEAL…
Private meal at the White House in Washington D.C. with President Trump! Meal can result in great WEIGHT LOSS! Big SAVINGS!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Available only to executive appointees; loyalty pledge required at dinner; if full pledge is not given, then appointee will be fired, accused of “not doing a good job,” and personally threatened on Twitter. “WEIGHT LOSS” refers to appointee’s being relieved of the heavy burden of investigating Russia’s interference with the election and any involvement of Trump and Trump associates. “SAVINGS” refers to reduction in costs via a potential denial of Comey’s request for increased funding for the investigation, soon before he was terminated.
THE “PRESIDENTIAL PACKAGE” DEAL FOR THE WHOLE COUNTRY:
As part of Trump’s already-ongoing re-election campaign for 2020, TRUMPON offers the Presidential Package Deal — which the country (via the so-called “electoral college”) has already bought for the current four-year term! Donors can contribute to his re-election efforts, so that the country can renew the deal for another four-year term! Here are the highlights of the deal:
“Presidential Package” Deal Point #1: PRESIDENTIAL GENEROSITY…
SAVINGS FOR THE WHOLE COUNTRY:
SAVE $1.6 MILLION in taxpayer money, as the President forgoes his $400,000/year salary for 4 years! Trump won’t take the President’s salary!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: (1) By accepting this deal, the rest of the country agrees to spend many millions of dollars in extra security and travel costs for the President and his family — including paying for his jaunts to Mar-a-Lago (i.e., his abode for seven of his first 13 weekends in office), where he frequently plays golf. Beyond the existing budget allocation for security, Congress will allocate an additional $120 million for the security of the President and his family. This figure apparently does not include pre-inauguration costs; according to the Washington Post: “[b]etween the election and the inauguration, when Trump was living there as president-elect, [New York] city spent about $308,000 a day.” Meanwhile, Trump complained of a “taxpayer funded charade” — which is a phrase that he has used to describe the investigation into Russia’s interference with the election.
(2) Salary plans are subject to delay and change. Trump (himself and through a spokesperson) had previously pledged to forgo the salary (i.e., donating it to the U.S. Treasury). However, Trump instead had a ceremony donating his initial months’ salary to the National Parks Service. More recently (in March 2017), Spicer has stated, “the president’s intention right now is to donate his salary at the end of the year.” This referred to a charitable donation, which would be tax-deductible – thereby making Trump the most expensive President in U.S. history as measured from the perspective of the U.S. Treasury (which would not receive tax revenue from his salary). Also, by waiting until year-end (before making the donation), he would be able to earn interest (or other investment income) on the principal portion of the salary. Presumably, the funds won’t be donated to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, whose fund-raising operations were suspended by the New York Attorney General — and which frequently used funds for Trump’s private benefit.
“Presidential Package” Deal Point #2: ECONOMIC RELIEF AIMED AT ORDINARY FOLKS…
TAX POLICY TO BENEFIT THE MASSES:
Middle Class Tax Cut — With No Tax Break For The Wealthy!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: (1) The “massive tax relief for the middle class” (promised in Trump’s speech to Congress in Feb. 2017) may result in higher taxes for some members of the middle class. After initially touting Trump’s tax plan as “a middle-income tax cut,” Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin wouldn’t guarantee that “no one in the middle class is gonna pay more.”
(2) After being nominated as Treasury Secretary, Mnuchin pledged that “there would be no absolute tax cut for the upper class.” However, upon the subsequent unveiling of Trump’s tax plan, Mnuchin wouldn’t rule out the possibility that the plan may provide an absolute tax cut for the wealthy. (Mnuchin is a Goldman Sachs alumnus; he was nominated by Trump, whose campaign impugned “international banks”.)
“Presidential Package” Deal Point #3: THE END OF SPECIAL INTERESTS…
No More “Pay-for-Play” In Government!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Not applicable to donors who pay really large amounts. Vowing to “drain the swamp,” Trump criticized “pay-for-play” in government. However, he will allow pay-for-play if sufficiently large amounts of money are at stake. For example, Betsy DeVos’s family donated as much as $200 million to Republicans, by her own admission — so she got to be Secretary of Education, even though she had zero experience with public education.
“Presidential Package” Deal Point #4: BETTER HEALTH CARE…
ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE MEDICAL CARE
Health insurance for EVERYBODY — at CHEAPER prices! NO CUTS to Medicaid!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: (1) The campaign promise of health care for “everybody” is subject to exclusions; and, in the campaign promise of health care that is “a lot less expensive” (i.e., “great health care for a fraction of the price”), the phrase “less expensive” actually means “significantly more expensive for some people.” Once in office, Trump initially proposed a health care plan that excluded approximately 24 million people from health coverage, according to official government estimates. Trump’s subsequent plan (which was passed by the House of Representatives with much self-congratulation) would jeopardize coverage for many people, due to large price increases. The plan has raised concerns even among Senate Republicans, two of whom “have … expressed great concern about whether this bill would sufficiently subsidize insurance for low-income people in high-cost areas… . [T]he House bill would provide flat subsidies, unadjusted for area costs, that would make insurance unaffordable for many” in certain geographic locations. Additionally, coverage would be jeopardized for persons with preexisting conditions, for whom the states would set up “high-risk pools” (under Trump’s plan that was passed by the House); in a letter urging lawmakers to oppose the legislation, the American Medical Association stated that the switch to high-risk pools “could effectively make coverage completely unaffordable to people with preexisting conditions.” Also, other citizens could be priced out, as the legislation would allow insurers to charge a 30 percent penalty to consumers who have gaps in health coverage. As reported in the New York Times (on May 24, 2017): the bill (passed by the House) “would leave 14 million more people uninsured next year than under President Barack Obama’s health law — and 23 million more in 2026, the Congressional Budget Office said Wednesday. Some of the nation’s sickest would pay much more for health care.” (Meanwhile, the plan provides a tax break for health insurance companies that have executives with salaries exceeding $500,000.)
(2) In the campaign promise of “no cuts to … Medicaid,” the phrase “no cuts” actually means “major cuts.” According to thehill.com, Trump’s recent “budget proposes cutting Medicaid spending by $610 billion over 10 years. That’s on top of more than $800 billion in cuts called for under the House-passed ObamaCare repeal bill….”
“Presidential Package” Deal Point #5: BETTER LAW ENFORCEMENT…
CRACK DOWN ON CRIMINALS:
Restore “Law And Order”!
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: (1) “Law And Order” shall be deemed an important benefit offered by Trump. Recycling a Nixon slogan, Trump’s Republic convention speech repeatedly hearkened to “law and order”: “[W]e will … be a country of law and order… . There can be no prosperity without law and order… . I will restore law and order to our country… . I am the Law And Order candidate.”
(2) Trump reserves the right to prioritize his self-interest over actual law enforcement — as when he fired the head of the nation’s top law enforcement agency (i.e., Comey, who became FBI Director in 2013, with bipartisan support, in a 93-1 Senate confirmation vote). The firing was apparently based on Trump’s interest in protecting himself from investigation (into Russia dealings) and for publicly-stated reasons that solely concerned Comey’s public remarks regarding the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails. There is no indication that Trump evaluated Comey’s broader record in actually achieving and maintaining “law and order” across the country — for example, Comey’s management of rank-and-file FBI personnel, whose morale has apparently suffered from the firing.
(3) “Law And Order” shall be evaluated without reference to the previous or present activities of the President and other members of his administration. For example:
• Trump has engaged in activity (particularly, regarding the Russia investigation) that may constitute numerous criminal offenses, including obstruction of justice. However, upon the appointment of a special prosecutor (at the order of Trump’s own Deputy Attorney General), Trump repeatedly lashed out in protest — arguing for more leniency for himself, while claiming that the appointment “hurts our country.” Likewise, Trump apparently requested that law enforcement (i.e., the FBI) cease its investigation into ties between former Trump White House national security adviser Michael Flynn and Russia.
• During the campaign, Trump made remarks stating that, if Hillary Clinton were to be elected, “the Second Amendment people” could stop her; Trump’s statement arguably constituted a threat in violation of federal criminal law (18 U.S.C. § 879).
• His lawyers recently averred that Trump is legally immune from civil liability for his having incited violence against protesters at a campaign rally.
• There are numerous allegations of Trump having sexually assaulted women.
• According to Harvard Law Professor Laurence Tribe, Trump’s invitation for the Russians to hack US computers (to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails) violated two federal criminal laws and may also have constituted treason.
• Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, recommended the firing of Comey (based on conduct during the Presidential campaign), even though Sessions’s recommendation may have violated his recusal of himself from Presidential campaign investigations.
(4) The Administration shall consider “Law And Order” to be successfully promoted through rigid treatment of persons who do not pose a genuine threat to public safety. Attorney General Sessions — who comes with a very questionable history on civil rights — has reversed the Justice Department’s prior policy of not seeking mandatory minimum sentences for certain nonviolent, low-level drug offenders. Sessions’s reversal (of the policy) led to bipartisan dismay among Senators. The mandatory minimums are widely recognized to be overly punitive for the offenders at issue and have a disproportionate impact on minorities, while leading to prison overcrowding and excessive government financial expenditures on incarceration — which has contributed to the U.S.’s having an extremely high incarceration rate (compared with other countries).
DISCLAIMERS (which are legally binding upon TRUMPON users, but are not published on the TRUMPON App):
1. NO REFUNDS, RETURNS, OR EXCHANGES (except through the impeachment process, which will only leave you with Pence).
2. Subject to blackouts (of the President’s judgment). TRUMPON is not responsible for any damage that the President or his Administration inflict on the country or world.
3. Other restrictions and exclusions may apply (particularly for minority groups, women, and anyone else incompatible with Steve Bannon’s worldview).
4. TRUMPON deals may not be combined with any other discounts (or with reasonableness or sanity).
5. In the event of difficulty redeeming a TRUMPON or defending a Trump, users should be very grateful for how much better they have things now, as compared with the alternative. (Specifically, defenders of Trump should resort to name-calling: liberals are “libturds”; Democrats are “Dummycrats”; sane Republicans are “RINOs” (acronym for “Republicans In Name Only”); the (non-Fox) Mainstream Media (“MSM”) is “fake news”; for further examples, consult Breitbart message boards.)
6. Each TRUMPON holder is responsible for any applicable sales tax. (The country is responsible for handling the consequences of the Trump Administration’s policies and practices, including but not limited to the breakdown in civility.)
7. Terms and conditions may vary (as necessary to serve Trump’s interests).
8. For the Presidential Package Deal: benefits for ordinary citizens are not available in Alaska or Hawaii (or anywhere else in the United States).