“Wellcome to the Trump Error!!”, A Back-to-School Guest Piece By Betsy DeVos
FAKE NEWS TIME has landed a special exclusive guest piece by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Here it is:
WELLCOME TO THE TRUMP ERROR!!
By Betsy DeVos
Hey kidz! Its me Betsy DeVos!!
Laber Day is hear and that meens end of summer. For rich peepl (like me!), summer is grate for yacht-ships and intern-ships. I like my intern-ship … Im lurning so much — I never had any pryor x-peerience in educajun! Butt nuthing beets going bak to skool! So I rote this editoreol! I hope u Njoy!
Its a new time. Obamas time is overr, and now we have beginned a brand new error — the Trump Error!
Its such an x-citing tyme in educajun. The intern-net seys I’ve made nice chainges to helpp the for-prophet skools:
“On July 1, colleges were supposed to begin disclosing information about program performance to students in their marketing materials. The schools now have an extra year to comply.”
Gee thats a lot of bigg wurds. Why shood stewdents get so much infourmashun befour they start skool?? They wont be abel to under stand the info, until aftur theyve gradyouated..
Prophets are relijus leeders. If u are againstt for-prophet skools, then u are anti-relijun.
When kidz were aloud to take there clothes off (‘disclothes-ure’), we had to spend more money on kidz with “special knees”….. yess, they have nice knees, but why do they have to show themm off in publick? thats not modest or relijus. now we will slash the budget for “special knee’ed” kidz!!!
Can u beleave that 19 AGs have sued me about for-prophet skools? Actuelly, “AG” means “Attorney General”. Hey guyz, if you r “Generals” then dont you have more impoortint things to do, like keep youre troops and guns in line to bee more reddy for North Koreeuh!
“Generals” shood be fighting warz – instehd of law suits… Hey, Ive never x-changed a clothes befour, but can I go to the stoar and x-change a law suit for a pants suit? Just ask-king…Trump will tel me the antser…
Spee-king of North Koreeuh, why are peepl seying Trumps “provocation” is a bad thing? Koreeuh is knot the best playse for leezure travell tripp — a ‘VACATION’. But Prezdent has rite to a big vacation tripp — a PRO VACATION at North Koreeuh. … By the wey, did u sea how FAKE NEWS meediuh cant even spel wurd “VACATION” (when they rite about “pro vacation”)? FAKE NEWS spels it “PROVOCATION” when they rite all thees articulz about Trumps “PROVOCATION” at North Koreeuh! FAKE NEWS shood get a dickshunerry!!
But enuff about that. Im here to tawk educajun
Skool choyce is good! Let peepl choos witch skool they like best! Blax have alwayz had choyce to go to diffurint skools, be cause they like that! Wen I went 2 speek at a blax collage, they loved me – the stewdints yelld, “SKOOOOOOOOOOOOL”, “SKOOOOOOOOOOL”! With there blax speeking axsents, the “SK” soundid like a “B” sound (i think they start every wurd with a “B” sound be cause it stands for “black”) , and u coodnt here the “L” at the end! I like the way they speek! It was grate!
I like blax and other mineritees. Trump is bringing bak coal miners – my favrit mineritees! I like mineritees so much that the Dept of Ed is cutting bak civil rites investigashuns! Stop bothoring the coal mineritees!
I dont under stand governmint any waze. Its to big and evil. Why do we have a Prezident of “Vice”? Isnt “Vice” bad? But if we need 1 of them, then Miyk Pentz is the best! He voted me in (my senat conformayshun)! The so-cawled expurts all liked me two – they said Pentz shood “VETO” me! (They kneed to go bak to skool to werk on there spelling: its spelt “VOTE”, not “VETO”!)
I like hour countree. Its naymed “AM ERICA” – but me, “AM BETSY”. (Im not ERICA.) I luv ERICA, butt knot in that way.
Fun fact: my favrit modell skool sistem (Flooriduh) is in shambles! Billdings are fawling apart! That sownds x-siting — like a movee!
Flooriduh’s skoolz may be in trubble, but Califournya skools are doing so well….. If the Trump Error lasts long enuff, then we will see Califournya SUCCEED — but in Califournyen, they spel it “SECEDE”! (Califournyen is such a weerd langwedge, with all those weerd spelings)
In my nativ state of Michigen, every 1 admits we acheevt skool choys. Dew two my advukessy effurts, even the librul meediuh (Washingtin Post) seys, “In Detroit, parents of school-age children have plenty of choices, thanks to the nation’s largest urban network of charter schools.
What remains in short supply is quality.” [[[Whew thank hehvens for that deleet key!]]]
Kidz, u shood werk hard at skool. And be respecktfull. Rememburr, every 1 is equal: neo-Natzies, victims of neo-Natzies, they are all bad! That’s what Trump sed – he blamed both sidez for that littul insedent in VA!
The neo-Natzies are againstt Jews — but who can blaym them. Im so tired uv heering every 1 allwaze tawk about the “jew”. Their allwaze asking me: “did jew do this? …. did jew do that? …. dont jew agree? …. how jew get that job? …. dont jew no enything about educajun?” ummm hay, newz flashh: Im not a jew!
But enuff about that. Lets fokuss on skool again. At skool u shood play mewsic. I like string instramints: like cellos and violence. Trump’s impackt is bringing violence to towns everywear!
All so, sports r good. If we want 2 b “fiscally fit”, we kneed 2 keep in shaype. I cant indorse playing base bawl, foot bawl, or sockher GAY-MZ, be cause Bibell doesnt like GAY-mz. But their are othur waze to exorsize. Run races fast. Its fun 2 run! When u run RACES, they cawl u a “RACIST” — so why is that word a bad thing? With Trumps committmint to running, we will have MORE RACISTS! We shood supporte our racists — like great racist Sherif Joe Arpayo, who Trump partinned. Trump is makeing it populer 2 be racist! Yey! And if you reed Trumps Tweeter, he tells u that he is a reely FAST runner — he re-Tweetered a messige that seys he is the “FASCIST”:
Donold Trump is makeing AM ERICA safe again! It isnt safe to get STABBED! We need to stop peepl’s ABILITY TO STAB — and even promenant Republikken Bob Corker says Trump lacks “STABILITY”!!!
Trump has allreddy helpt vehikill safetee. He Twittered this pictur of a goode trane that hits peepl but doesint kill them:
Trump RT’d this pic showing a CNN journalist hit by a train days after a white nationalist ran his car into activists, killed Heather Heyer. pic.twitter.com/tWjdoE70AS
I like tranes. Their allwaze rushin’ somewhere. Trump once tolded me that he only carez about rushins. His only consern is rushins — be cawse they can help him! that is just grate!
Im soo happee 2 be secreterry uv Ed! Peepl say a girl shoodnt be a secreterry. But its OK! I like it! Im doing so goode at job….. this is like Trump’s TV show The Surfiver — and I’ve allreddy out-lastid Prybus, Mennaforte, Comee, Flin, Spicier, Scarredmoochie, annd Bannen (listid hear alfabetticly). They all got firret! Butt Im stil hear!
Every 1 says Trump is not a descent man. But I dissugree. I think the words Trump and “descent” go togethur purrfecktly!
Im a roll model be cawse I did good at skool when I was youre age. My parents tolded me to werk hardd! I even went to collage! I went to a verry famus collage called “Calvin College” — youve probelly hurd it prenounced as “Calvin Coolidge” (peepl are allways sloppee in their prenounseeyation)…. I stopped after collage…can u beleeve some peepl even continyou skool after collage! wowzee! me I had enuff!
me and the Prezident allso have sum addvice: do youre best to be borne rich! Its grate 2 b borne rich!
And speeking of monee, skool choic just happins to be a great economick stimulis. The Detroyt newspayper reporeted a story aboutt my influinse on skools in Michigen.
The Free Press found
that questionable decisions, excessivespending and misuse of taxpayer dollars run the gamut:
■ A Sault Ste. Marie charter school board gave its administrator a
severancepackage worth $520,000 in taxpayer money.
■ A Bedford Township charter school spent more than $1 million
■ A mostly online charter school in Charlotte spent $263,000 on a Dale Carnegie confidence-building class
, $100,000 more than it spent on laptops and iPads.
■ Two board members who challenged their Romulus school’s management company over finances and transparency were ousted when the length of their terms was summarily reduced by Grand Valley State University.
■ National Heritage Academies, the state’s largest for-profit school management company, charges 14 of its Michigan schools $1 million or more in rent
— which many real estate experts say is excessive.
■ A charter school in Pittsfield Township gave jobs and millions of dollars in business
to multiple members of the founder’s family.
In Michigan, anyone and everyone can apply to open a charter school.
There are no state guidelines for screening applicants.
And in many cases, authorizers have given additional charters to schools managed by companies that haven’t demonstrated academic success with their existing schools.
[[[Whew agen — I wil sey some prayers tonite, in gratefullniss for whoevor inventid that deleet key!!! so blessed to be abel to tell the storee without evry detale needing to get in the wey!!! :) gollee gee]]]
Think aboutt how muchh we helpt the economee by getting that tax monee in there. So muchh opportunitea for busyness peepl to make monee! Yay!
I have speaken to so many peepl that loves Trump. He has already made soo much prahgress that the busyness counsel “dissolved”!!!
Allso Trump helpt econome by partinning Sheruff Arpayo, be cawse Arpayo helpt peepl by cawsing them to get bigg civul rites settlemints for law suits for harm suffert when Arpayo hurted them! And he didnt waist tax monee investigaiting normall crymes. He saved the tax-payors monee for impoortint investigashuns like sending Arizoenu cops to Hawayee to investugait the fourgery of Obamas birth surtificate.
And Trump helps economee by holding bak monee from that mooch Harvey in Houston, who onlly wants governmint handd-outs!
Evorything is grate underr Trump! He is grate for econome!
I hope u like thiss artikul. Its the lawngest thing that I ever rited.
Now its tyme four me to make skools evin grater!
You may think that I’m genuinely extremely stupid, but who will have the last laugh when I greatly damage the American educational system? Haha!
Have a grate yeer at skool,,
Me (AM BETSY)