Trump Changes Name “Black Friday” To “White Friday”
FAKE NEWS TIME reports that the White House has a special message for the day after Thanksgiving.
The Supreme President hereby renames this day “WHITE Friday”, instead of the so-called “Black Friday”. Henceforth, “WHITE Friday” shall be about bargain giveaways. At this very moment, the White House is getting rid of the entire American inventory of democracy, freedom, and equality — everything must go!
At a press conference, Trump said the following:
These African-American protesters have no respect for our national institutions. When I heard them refer to “Black Friday” recently, quite frankly I was shocked. First, they want to tear down statues of Confederate heroes. Now, they want to change the holiday season to celebrate black people — “Black Friday”? Sorry, Colin Kaepernick, but you’re not running this show — you “son of a bitch”!
And, perhaps even more shocking, I want to tell you about what happened at the White House’s Thanksgiving dinner, which I hosted, as President. At dinner, we’re having nice conversation, and then all of the sudden, someone asks what type of meat the guests want — and everyone started saying that they prefer “dark” to “white”. Honestly, I was shocked. It’s like Colin Kaepernick has brainwashed everyone. This is not the same America that I grew up in. It’s time for the “WHITE House” to bring white back to the country — and there’s no better day to start than “WHITE Friday”.
The holiday season has always been — and should always be — about white people, like the Middle American downtrodden Rust Belt dwellers with whom I have so much in common. We will celebrate “WHITE Friday”, and then we’ll be dreaming of a “WHITE Christmas”. That’s the message from the “WHITE House”. Everyone agrees, believe me — including “some very fine people on both sides” of the debate (like those torch-wielding folks in Charlottesville).
Speaking of holiday season glee, I hope that everyone is happy to see what is happening to Al Franken, Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, and so many other liberal molesters of women. Now, that’s a news story that really GRABS you. When I heard, here’s what I said:
“Women are very special, I think it’s a very special time because a lot of things are coming out and I think that’s good for our society and I think it’s very very good for women and I’m very happy a lot of these things are coming and I’m very happy, I’m very happy it’s being exposed.”
And that’s the truth, because when it comes to women, I want everything exposed. Believe me. I’m only sorry that I couldn’t protect my daughters more — like Ivanka. As I’ve said before, “if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps, I would be dating her.” I would date her, just to protect her against all of these creeps.
Sure, there have been sexual misconduct allegations against me, but I’ve denied them — which is all that counts. Just like Roy Moore has denied. That’s the only thing that counts — whether you deny or confess. That’s why I still wanted to see the Central Park Five — who are accused rapists — punished, even after their convictions were vacated based on DNA evidence and the detailed and accurate confession of a serial rapist. All that matters is that, at one point, after some friendly encouragement by law enforcement, the accused blacks confessed. As I’ve said before, they “admitted they were guilty. The police doing the original investigation say they were guilty. The fact that that case was settled with so much evidence against them is outrageous.”
The Central Park rapists were black — and now they want a holiday named after them, as “Black Friday”? We’re never going to do that — never ever. Can you imagine how damaging that name (“Black Friday”) would be for businesses and the economy?
At this point, I want the terrible media to focus on the name change to “WHITE Friday” — because everything else is perfect, so you should focus only on racial issues, which in all honesty should upset and divide you. While you’re worrying about Kaepernick, I’m busy fulfilling my inaugural pledge that “the forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.” The new tax plan will finally help protect the forgotten wealthy class — as commentator after commentator has agreed. They will be forgotten no longer!
I’m also stimulating the economy by spending on attorneys. As reported by USA Today: “Taxpayers are footing the legal bill for at least 10 Justice Department lawyers and paralegals to work on lawsuits related to President Trump’s private businesses.” Now, that’s good for the economy!
While I’m fixing the economy, everyone else should be fixing race relations. I already did my part by freeing LaVar Ball’s son from China — for which the uppity LaVar was ungrateful! As I said on Twitter:
…LaVar, you could have spent the next 5 to 10 years during Thanksgiving with your son in China, but no NBA contract to support you. But remember LaVar, shoplifting is NOT a little thing. It’s a really big deal, especially in China. Ungrateful fool!
LaVar is not the only enemy of the state. I’ve also directed a Twitter rant against another black man: NFL running back Marshawn Lynch. As I tweeted:
Marshawn Lynch of the NFL’s Oakland Raiders stands for the Mexican Anthem and sits down to boos for our National Anthem. Great disrespect! Next time NFL should suspend him for remainder of season. Attendance and ratings way down.
And they said I wasn’t “Presidential” — boy did I prove them wrong!
All in all, I have a great history when it comes to black people — just look at the Justice Department’s evaluation at start of my career or ask as the author of Art Of The Deal or even ask black people themselves! So they have no right to get upset or protest my policies!
Happy “WHITE Friday”, America!