An Open Letter to Our Superb Owl Guests
To the thousands of people who are even now acclimating to the bitter cold upon your arrival at our airport, we bid you welcome. Please, stay. Be our guest. Here are some things you should know.
Please, don’t joke or complain about the cold. This isn’t the 1970’s; you do not have to know somebody and wait until the day before your trip to make a phone call. You can spend 5 minutes on your phone looking up the weather and know exactly how cold it is going to get here, and plan accordingly. We don’t think it’s funny, and if you’re that much of a dumbass, we’re likely to just stick your tongue to a light pole and leave you there; that is far more amusing.
We understand that a popular sportsball event is a cause for heavy drinking. We agree wholeheartedly; just look at the history of Minnesota sportsball, we can all empathize. However, please be aware that drinking and severe cold do not play well together; alcohol does not keep you warm. We do not want to be cleaning frozen, alcohol-preserved corpses off our streets on Monday morning. Use the skyways. If in doubt, remember the rule of thumb: If your face hurts, you went the wrong way.
After the game, some of you will be frustrated, most of you will be drunk, and as a result, many of you will be both. You will also, whether as a result of over-indulging or merely a result of being a borderline sociopathic asshole, feel some sense that not living here means you are free from consequences. However, if you decide to riot in our streets, I feel obligated to mention that there are people who do live and work in this city. I, in particular, will already be having to pick my way through puddles of vomit on my way to work in the morning, and I would really rather this process not be complicated by having to dodge crime scenes and answer questions on the local news cameras. Also note that the extreme cold presents us with the unique capability to literally keep our prisoners on ice. You might want to think twice before tearing up our town on your way out.
We hope you enjoy your stay. We hope your team wins. (Actually, we don’t, but we’re all Scandinavian so we have to be polite.) Just don’t ruin it for the rest of us.