14legs.net

The biggest obstacle to gay rights is religion. There is no question about it. There are many religious people who are against gays and more often than not these people think that not letting them discriminate against gays is an infringement on their right to practice their religion and worship their God.

I’ll repeat myself for those sitting at the back: some people actually think that it’s OK for them to hate and discriminate against gays and at the same time be themselves immune to any form of criticism because the right to practice a religion is protected. Apparently.

With the excuse of religion gay people are constantly oppressed and killed. Are gay people killing religious people? Are gay people campaigning to revoke the right of religious people to marry? Are gay people trying to force religious people to abandon their faith or convert? Not really. Yet many religious people have the audacity to play the victims in the battle for equal rights.

Annoyed? Very much.

So I propose my solution. The only way to fight the faith criticism shield is to establish homosexuality as a religion. Yes, it’s a ridiculous concept, but then again all religion is ridiculous. We can do it.

It seems that the biggest difference between a “cult” and a “religion” is how big it is and how long it has been around, so the first few years are going to be difficult, but we should brave through them. Just look at Scientology: they’re fairly new, have to deal with a lot of unfair crap (they aren’t more ridiculous or dangerous than any other religion after all) and yet not only are they still around, they are also championed by an impressive a-list celebrity roster.

Needless to say that means that phase 1 will include reaching out to the biggest gay celebrities and recruiting them early: Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Fry, Neil Patrick Harris, Ian McKellen, Rosie O’Donnell, Rachel Maddow, Anderson Cooper, Elton John, Tom Cruise - all of them. We need them to go out there and start spreading the word.

Obviously we’d need a word to spread first. So here it goes:

Our deity is called Gosh, so when we want to be all spiritual we say “oh my Gosh” and gently place our right hand on our right cheek to indicate our awe. It works.

We need a bullshit origin story. The whole Jesus-died-for-your-sins story is probably the most successful so we shouldn’t veer from that too much. You know what they say: Don’t mess with the classics. If it ain’t brokeback don’t mount it. Maybe not very original, but considering that Christianity ripped off tons of pagan traditions and got away with it that shouldn’t be a problem.

As for a Jesus figure we are spoilt for choice. We have a huge selection of gay people who were murdered brutally: Matthew Shepard or Harvey Milk are great iconic choices, but we have essentially an endless and ever-growing list of candidates.

Our holy symbol will be the pink triangle and we can even make a triangle sign by touching each shoulder and then the groin. I love it!

Straight people are welcome to convert, but once converted they must have a lot of gay sex whether they like it or not because it says you should in our yet to be written holy book, the Buttble. So you just do what the book says because.

Once we establish our religion we’ll enjoy great tax breaks, but also be able to hold our ground in arguments against people of other faiths. Rather than use arguments based on common sense, compassion and integrity, we could just flail our arms hysterically and thump some holy book.

We fight for the rights of gays to get married not because it’s the decent thing to do, but because there is a quote about it in an old book. You’d be surprised how much more effective this type of argument will be in some circles.

We can still carry on using the rational and intelligent gay rights strategy where it works. It certainly does work on occasion but on many others it simply doesn’t. And when it comes to ignorant idol-worshipping lemmings we simply bring it down to a level they understand by speaking their language.

I’m not quite sure how to get this thing started and will appreciate any help in the matter. Maybe a Kickstarter project? I know it’s going to be a long and challenging uphill battle to get this religion going, but some suffering will add an edge of authenticity.

Dibs on the Pope job.

Let’s do it.

May Gosh be with you.

14 Legs

Yay for New York for legalizing gay marriage! It’s still not recognized across state lines or on the federal level, but it’s getting there slowly. The people who object to gay marriage are fighting a losing battle, like Mickey Mouse in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice and his fight against the enchanted broomsticks. America can’t view itself as a world leader in personal freedom while picking and choosing exactly who gets to benefit from that freedom. Hey, it can’t view itself as a leader full stop since it’s been overtaken by so many countries already on that front.

I’m a bit surprised it took New York, the home of Sex in the City and Will & Grace, so freakin’ long. It’s 2011. we’re less than four years away from the future in Back to the Future. Yes, in a few years Back to the Future 2 will be a movie about a guy who travels from the distant past to the more recent past and only now New York is getting on with the program. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not easy to please and I am not easily impressed by excessively delayed acts of common sense. Just like your university lecturer won’t be impressed with your fantastic dissertation if it was submitted four years after the end of your course. So well done, New York, but you still get a note in your personal record for tardiness.

After getting married in Toronto and becoming parents we decided that we can’t go backwards and live in a country where gay marriage isn’t recognized. I’m not a huge fan of civil partnerships/unions when these are the only marriage alternatives for gays (as is the case in the UK), but it’s the bottom line I’m willing to accept. Anything below that is unacceptable. So does that mean New York is now an option for us?

No, for two reasons.

For one thing gay marriage is still not recognized on the federal level, so we will both have to immigrate separately rather than as a married couple which is honestly not worth the bother. Secondly, while I love New York it is way too intense to live in on a regular basis. In my old age I yearn for peace and quiet.

Regardless, gay marriage in New York is a huge mile-stone for human rights and a great cause for celebration.

On a side note I’m going to surprise people and say that I am against gay marriage. It’s true.

Well, against the term, anyway. It started to annoy me recently. When women finally got the right to vote their votes were called “votes”, not “female votes”. It’ll be nice if we’ll eventually stop referring to gay marriage as gay marriage and just call it… Marriage.

Maybe one day.

Anyway, next move on the gay agenda is to outlaw straight marriage so we could destroy the family institution and take over the world.

Mickey

[Link: 14legs.net ]

Oh my God!!! Best day EVER! The UN just passed a resolution that says it’s OK to be Gay and you shouldn’t be mean to gay people! This is like a dream come true, only that by “like a dream” I mean “complete load” and by “come true” I mean “of crap”.

This the UN we’re talking about. They passed many resolutions over the years, virtually all useless. Some activists got really excited saying that it’s an important shift on an issue that has divided the global body for many decades. Well, newsflash: the world is still divided as the vote was quite close. Was anyone really surprised that many African and Muslim countries decried the resolution?

Backers included the U.S., the European Union, Brazil and other Latin American countries. Those against included Russia, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria and Pakistan. China, Burkina Faso and Zambia abstained, Kyrgyzstan didn’t vote and Libya was suspended from the rights body earlier.

Oh, my Goodness. I see this paragraph in front of my eyes and I don’t know where to start ripping it apart. Yes, Libya was suspended from the human rights body due to recent events. As if before Libya was oozing equality and tolerance (secret prize for anyone who can guess what Libya’s vote would have been!). Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and China are still part of the council. Que the laugh track.

And there’s of course Russia being a total bitch as usual when it comes to LGBT rights, making me utterly ashamed of my Russian roots.

The resolution isn’t a bad thing, that’s for sure. But the world is moving on towards equality for gays and lesbians anyway, some countries faster than others. That would keep happening with or without the UN resolution and many backwards countries can carry own killing, torturing, imprisoning and, most importantly, deny any basic human rights from gay people.

Much as I’m hungry for good news, I find it quite difficult to get excited over this. I prefer real stories where some countries decriminalize homosexuality or, better yet, grant gays equal rights including marriage. I know, I am very difficult to please.

Mickey