We all know that Chuck C. Johnson is one of those “stranger than fiction” characters. Or is he? Just for fun, come “Through the Looking Glass” with me, and I’ll share 13 quotes that indicate he might be a fictitious character after all:
Explaining his inability to form coherent sentences:
“Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas — only I don’t exactly know what they are!” (Chapter 1)
The general reaction of sane people to his thought processes:
I never thought of that before!
It’s my opinion that you never think at all. (Chapter 2)
We all know he fancies himself quite the cunning linguist:
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing—turn out your toes when you walk—and remember who you are! (Chapter 2)
Did somebody say logic?
Contrariwise,” continued Tweedledee, “if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.” (Chapter 4)
That award-winning journalistic approach to news:
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,” the Queen remarked.
“What sort of things do you remember best?” Alice ventured to ask.
“Oh, things that happened the week after next,” the Queen replied in a careless tone. (Chapter 5)
His exercise regimen:
Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” (Chapter 5)
His views on crime and punishment (particularly for women and minorities):
“There’s the King’s Messenger. He’s in prison now, being punished: and the trial doesn’t begin until next Wednesday: and of course the crime comes last of all.”
“Suppose he never commits the crime?” said Alice.
“That would be all the better, wouldn’t it?” the Queen said. (Chapter 5)
His “it was just a joke that you low-IQ people didn’t understand” explanations:
“When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.” (Chapter 6)
His over-inflated sense of his own intelligence:
‘Let’s hear it,’ said Humpty Dumpty. ‘I can explain all the poems that were ever invented—and a good many that haven’t been invented just yet.’ (Chapter 6)
His thorough misunderstanding and misuse of words and phrases:
‘Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on.
‘I do,’ Alice hastily replied; ‘at least - at least I mean what I say - that’s the same thing, you know.’
‘Not the same thing a bit!’ said the Hatter. ‘You might just as well say that “I see what I eat” is the same thing as “I eat what I see”!’
‘You might just as well say,’ added the March Hare, ‘that “I like what I get” is the same thing as “I get what I like”!’ (Chapter 7)
His imaginary “scoops” (not to be confused with his imaginary friends):
“I see nobody on the road,” said Alice.
“I only wish I had such eyes,” the King remarked in a fretful tone. “To be able to see Nobody! And at that distance, too! Why, it’s as much as I can do to see real people, by this light!” (Chapter 7)
A typically convoluted version of his sense of self:
Be what you would seem to be - or if you’d like it put more simply - Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. (Chapter 9)
And finally, the explanation for his current situation:
‘It’s too late to correct it,’ said the Red Queen: ‘when you’ve once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.’ (Chapter 9)
More: Xkcd: Degree-Off
Just for the sake of levity, here is some photoshopped silliness.
Luckily for us, Secretary Ashton Carter’s pen is mightier than anything Cruz wields.
Dear Senator Cruz:
Thank you for your inquiry into whether the Jade Helm 15 military exercise is the first wave of a federal takeover of Texas, the Trojan Horse, as it were, of the end of sovereignty in the Lone Star State. Our response, contrary to the long tradition of official correspondence and military bureaucracy, is concise: no.
But that’s just what you would expect us to say, isn’t it?
Perhaps, then, you would prefer not an official proclamation but a reasoned answer. As a master debater in college (Princeton, right?), you surely appreciate the reliability of logic, your public statements over the past few years notwithstanding. If you are disinclined to take the United States Armed Forces at their word when we promise no ill intentions towards Texas, then perhaps your considerable and vaunted intellectual powers, which once posited the regrowth of hymens as a guard against unauthorized incursions in domestic affairs, could be swayed by incontrovertible fact.
I know you think highly of our capabilities. Why else would you advocate for a short war with Iran? If we are indeed that powerful, we could probably launch an attack from any of the 15 U.S. military bases already within Texas’ borders. While Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher may have found it necessary, even attractive, to invade countries that can easily be overrun, the present DoD considers such lopsided contests at best unsporting.
As someone who was not born within the borders of this country, it might interest you to know that Texas is already part of the United States. In fact, Texas has twice joined the Union. The first time your adopted state joined the USA in 1845 it set in motion events that led to the Mexican-American War. Later, when Union troops conquered the Southern rebellion, Texas rejoined the Union. It is not, therefore, farfetched to think that Texas’ relationship to the rest of the United States could involve war, but please also keep in mind that when we refer to the United States of America, Texas is being implicitly included. We thought about calling it the United States of America and Texas, but we were afraid people might think Texas was a retrograde backwater of reactionary lunatics who think Moses was a Founding Father and laugh at you. This is way better.
Please also consider there are a great many things about Texas and Texan culture that could be threatened by another unnecessary armed conflict between Texas and the United States. We like Texas barbecue. That Green Beret who carried the flag out for the Texas Longhorn football team? That was pretty cool. The wildflowers along the highways are no joke. The late Texan Chris Kyle, the “American sniper,” is a hero to many. Texas gave the world Lyndon Johnson, a staggering gift for which America was perhaps not entirely prepared. Without the Lone Star State, the Western swing band Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys would have appeared under the performing name Robert Wills and His Playboys, which is ghastly, or not have existed at all, a possibility that DoD has officially classified as “too awful to contemplate”. And we really dig the self-awareness, the love of self that, while occasionally metastasizing into paranoid delusions such as those that motivated your original query, also make Texas a culture with an indelible sense of place.
Dumb and Dumber need to find new careers.
Alaska Dispatch News
April 27, 2015
Of 80 frozen pizzas stolen Sunday in the village of Gambell, 75 have been recovered, according to Alaska State Troopers.
Village police officers received their “strongest investigative lead” in the case when John Koozaata, 29, and Lewis Oozeva, 21, called the Gambell Police Department and tried to sell the pizzas to on-duty officers, according to a trooper dispatch posted online Monday.
At 10 a.m. Sunday, troopers in Nome received report of the burglary in Gambell, a village on St. Lawrence Island in the Bering Sea.
Investigation revealed that Koozaata and Oozeva had broken into the Gambell Native Store warehouse in the early morning. They took five cases of frozen pizza, troopers said. The cases (80 pizzas in total) were valued at more than $1,100, or about $13.75 per pizza, according to troopers.
Koozaata and Oozeva were arrested and taken to Nome, troopers said. On Monday, both were in custody at the Anvil Mountain Correctional Center. They each face a charge of second-degree burglary and second-degree theft, according to court records.
@JonahNRO your dog is obviously a liberal facist homo-feminazi
I admit, I’d buy his dog a drink and share war stories. Secretly hoping it’s a Schnauzer.
( insert joke here )
Traffic has resumed along southbound Interstate 435 at Interstate 35 in Kansas City, North, following a blockage caused when a tractor-trailer hauling pork butts caught fire early Wednesday.
The semi, which was hauling 41,500 pounds of pork, became engulfed in flames about 4:15 a.m. near the I-435 and I-35 interchange, according to the Missouri Department of Transportation.
Memories Pizza is, of course, in the news today proclaiming that they will never cater gay weddings.
It looks like they either forgot to register the domain or they let it lapse.
Whatevs, cause what’s there now…Oh dear!
And if you go to the website, there’s a blue button at the bottom that says “View Our NSFWish Commerical!” If you’re worried about “sodomites” pushing “the gay agenda” and “shoving homosexuality down our throats” and the like, then you probably shouldn’t click that link.
Five’ll getcha ten you will, though…many times.
More: Memories Pizza