Upon hearing that CNN might be up for sale soon, Jon Stewart announced on Tuesday night’s Daily Show a Kickstarter to raise $10 billion in order to buy CNN and do… something with it. Not quite sure what yet.
Stewart reacted to the news that Rupert Murdoch attempted to buy Time Warner, CNN’s corporate owner, and noted the air of passive-aggressiveness at CNN in reaction to the news. And while Murdoch failed in his efforts, he’s not giving up so easily.
The Daily Show even set up a website for the fake Kickstarter page, letsbuycnn.com, with the following pitch to any interested backers:
A government report released this week shows that enormous walls, rabid coon-hunting dogs, venomous snakes, and other obstacles erected by the Arkansas Immigration Department are doing little to prevent hundreds of unaccompanied Missourian children from illegally crossing the border into Arkansas.
The immigration department’s controversial response to the crisis has been met with criticism from residents of both states. In a recent poll, 100 percent of Missouri residents and nearly 60 percent of Arkansas residents said they opposed the use of tetanus and dangerous animals to deter the children.
“These kids are fleeing what are essentially third world conditions,” Arkansas native Barbara Tompson said. “There’s the rampant government corruption, moonshine cartels, a confusing state motto, and an educational system that’s severely lacking. It’s no wonder the children can’t speak English.”
Sympathy held by those like Tompson falls on deaf ears when it comes to the Arkansas Immigration Department’s director, Patrick Scaggs.
“I’m sick of all the bleeding-heart liberals meddling with the security of this state,” Scaggs said. “We can’t use rusty barbed wire, mutant poison ivy, or genetically engineered wasps? Fine. Get ready for a mile-long line of 10-year-old Missouri punks lining up for your job.”
It has not been determined just how many Arkansas jobs can be performed by 10-year-olds, but the Arkansas Department of Child Labor is compiling data and preparing a report on the subject. Initial findings show a higher than expected average.
We partnered with “Weird Al” to create this music video for his new album, “Mandatory Fun.” Also featuring Patton Oswalt, Tom Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant.
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s new album Mandatory Fun out now: smarturl.it
Webb, who is also a comedian and retired musician, wasn’t about to miss his opportunity to say whatever he wanted to a sitting president. So, after he had introduced himself and the president was signing a reportedly $300 bill, he slammed his hand on the counter.
“Equal rights for gay people!” he exclaimed.
Obama reacted without missing a beat. “Are you gay?”
Taken aback by the directness of the question, he said, Webb responded, “Only when I’m having sex!”
The president laughed, then, realizing there was a group of children near the two, said, “Not in front of the kids!”
We are constantly reminded of our human fallibility.
The agency that manages the dormant US military draft has apologised after sending conscription registration notices to men born in the late 1800s.
The Selective Service System (SSS) said the error occurred after a clerk neglected to select the century in a search for newly eligible young men.
It sent 14,250 notices to Pennsylvania men born 1893-97 in addition to 1993-97 before discovering the error.
The men are all almost certainly dead, as the youngest would be 117.
If we all reacted to contact in our everyday situations like football (soccer) players.
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Hey look who the the Supreme Court has ruled has religious exemptions now. Thanks for paving the way, Hobby Lobby! Now the followers of Cthulhu will be able to sacrifice their virgins in peace!
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company’s right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One’s slumber in the sunken city of R’lyeh.