An oldie but goodie:
Once upon a time, there were Three Billy Goats Gruff, and their names were Robbie, Rapey, and Stabby. The Three Billy Goats lived in the land of Detroit, which was very poor and they often did not have enough to eat, or good health care. But just across the river was the Land of Canada, which had low-cost pharmaceuticals and Free Health Care for All. So the oldest Billy Goat Gruff said to his siblings, “Let us go over the river to Canada, where we can frolic in the meadow and enjoy Free Health Care!” And the other Billy Goats said, “Yeah, let’s go to Canada!”
So the littlest Billy Goat set out for Canada across the Bridge. Trip trap, trip trap. And the mean old ugly Troll who owned the Bridge yelled out “WHO’S THAT TRIP TRAPPIN ACROSS MY BRIDGE!”
“It is I, the littlest Billy Goat Gruff!”
“What’s your name, Billy Goat Gruff?”
“My name is Robbie” said the littlest Billy Goat Gruff.
“Well if your name is Robbie,” said the Troll, “I am going to rob you!”
“What’s your name?” cried Robbie, the frightened little Billy Goat Gruff.
“My name is Matty,” said the Troll.
“Well, then I will Matt you!”
“Oh ho,” said the Troll and he showed Robbie the collection of mats in his Troll Cave, everything from $12.99 bath mats from Bed, Bath & Beyond to antique Persian prayer mats worth many thousands of dollars. “There is nothing you can mat me with that I don’t already have!”
“Well then,” said the littlest Billy Goat Gruff, “I have nothing for you to rob, Mr. Troll, Matty, sir! Why don’t you wait for my sister, Rapey, and you can rob and rape her!”
“What kind of a sick perv are you,” said the Troll, “you would give up your own sister for me to rob and rape?”
“But that’s in the original story! The littlest Billy Goat Gruff tells the Troll to wait for the next Billy Goat!”
“Well OK then,” said the Troll. “Now get out of here before I change my mind!” And Robbie, the littlest Billy Goat Gruff, scampered across the Bridge to Canada, where there was Free Health Care for All.
The Troll kind of liked the idea of robbing and raping the next Billy Goat, so he went into his Troll Cave and prepared a nice cocktail with some roofies. Then he looked around and decided that his Troll Cave was not romantic enough (Trolls need a very run-down and decrepit environment) and he looked for another Troll Cave that was even more ruined and destroyed. He looked at the old Clark St. Assembly Plant and the David Whitney Building, but what finally caught his eye was the Michigan Central Depot. “Aha!” cried the Troll. “This is the most devastated ruin in all of Detroit!” and he promptly bought the Michigan Central Depot as a Troll Hideout in which to do all his evil deeds.
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