little green footballs

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

Sun, Nov 11, 2012 at 9:01:06 pm

This is an entertaining read for those of us who already feel the same way, and probably pearls before swine to those who really need to absorb this information. I assume most of you will be highly entertained.

Letter to a Future Republican Strategist Regarding White People

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:

Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever - you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!

If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

•My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> Howard Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN' ENGLAND)

•I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.

[further impressive credentials are listed, then he gives the shocking news that he didn't vote for Mitt Romney...]

May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you're not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.

[...]

Here are the areas of concern he shares:

Science

Climate

Healthcare

War

Deficits and debt

Gay marriage

Then he needs to add one more.

Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE'S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…

All right, let's do one last point:

Meanness-

Go read the whole thing. Apparently the throngs attracted to this piece of brilliance have crashed his server before, so if you can't get in, try again later.

I found another essay on his site that demonstrates his grasp of the subject. From diversity to inclusion: the model of a great conference. But if his server crashes, you won't be able to get to that one either.