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I'm Dreaming of a War on Christmas

102
wrenchwench11/23/2012 2:10:59 pm PST

re: #88 Our Precious Bodily Fluids

As a member of the ATHEIST ILLUMINATI, I would like to try, once again, to clear up a huge misconception.

There is NOT a “War on Christmas.” We atheist Illuminati enjoy and celebrate a lot of the aspects of Christmas, and would never seek to see it put asunder. The pagan symbolism, the mistletoe-inspired fornication, the drunken revelry we can pretend to blame on the eggnog (and really, most of us don’t bother with the eggnog; we just go straight for the whiskey), the crass consumerism… we’re okay with all that as long as all the participants are informed and consenting.

What there IS, however, is a “War on Christmas Music”. I have to level with you, in my official capacity as Self-Appointed Atheist Spokesperson: that shit is VILE. Literary types are familiar with the Bulwer–Lytton Fiction Contest, whose contestants attempt to do savage violence to the literary art by deliberately constructing a cringe-inducing opening sentence to an imaginary novel which would presumably be at least as bad. Christmas music composed in the 20th Century, nearly all of which is of American origin, is some of the most nauseating dreck ever composed.

Christmas music of the sort I’m describing enjoys a strange social immunity to criticism not enjoyed by other horrifying popular music. An average person who declares that they sincerely believe the song “My Hump” by The Black Eyed Peas to be THE dumbest noise ever committed to a 16-track master might be disagreed with, but is unlikely to suffer the social consequences that could be expected by a similar person who expresses identically vehement disgust with “Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer” or “Frosty The Snowman”.

I still enjoy a traditional rendition of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” and “We Three Kings”, so long as they haven’t been massacred by the RAY CONNIFF SINGERS.

I like my Bobby Rodriguez “Latin Jazz Christmas”, and “Merry Axemas” by Various Artists. However, the most unlistenable “music” ever recorded is Bob Dylan’s Christmas record. No link! You’ll have to google it!

—Atheist, but apparently not Illuminati.

P.S. I left you some bicycle info on the previous thread.