The Borowitz Report:

Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse

Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.

“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”

Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.

“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”

Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.

“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”