I’ll try as a Tea Partier:

1. The British came to try and take our guns. But because we had guns, we were able to defend our guns. So we declared independence to keep our guns.

2. provide for the common defense means we all have guns to defend our guns. Because we couldn’t defend our guns if we didn’t have guns. With our guns we can prevent the gubmint from taking our guns.

3. Andy Jackson and a bunch of Tennessee militia brought their guns and got together. Then they went to New Orleans. They shot a lot of Brits with their guns then went home.

4. John Wayne and a bunch of other Texans went to the Alamo with their guns to stop a bunch of Mexicans from illegally entering the country. Unfortunately there were too many Mexicans so they all got killed. If there had been a border fence, they could’ve kept the Mexicans out.

5. Everyone in the South was happy and knew their place. Liberals wanted to create a big government to tyrannize everyone. They promised the blacks government handouts to get them dependent on big government.

6. Lincoln was a big government tyrant. The Tree of Liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants. So Booth watered the Tree of Liberty and Lincoln got what was coming to him for being a tyrant.

7. Theodore Roosevelt was bad. He took private property which could’ve been developed to create jobs to make wasteful big government parks. He also took job creators businesses away from them.

8. Franklin Roosevelt was bad. He was the first communist President. He made the Depression worse by taking job creators’ money from them to waste on socialist programs.

9. The Japanese attacked Pearl harbor to take our guns. But because we had guns, we defeated them. This kept them from taking our guns.

10. Ike was a bad President. He appointed a liberal to the Supreme Court. Then he sent jack booted thugs to Little Rock, Arkansas to oppress the people.

11. Reagan was a good president. He cut taxes on the job creators and everyone got good jobs. Then he tore down the Berlin Wall.

A. False, God created man. Women were created to help men.
B. True. The Constitution was copied from the Bible by Thomas Jefferson.
C. True, my mother is English.
D. False, I built that!
E. True
F. False. My social security is my money and I should get it. It should be abolished for everyone younger than me because its unconstitutional.