re: #87 SpaceJesus

I love how Americans say soccer is boring because of low scoring, but at the same time go wild when a pitcher has a no-hitter.

I don’t give one crippled shit about sports in general, but if I did, I couldn’t imagine caring even slightly about American sports, which are the most boring wastes of time imaginable.

America has only three sports: “football” (more accurately described as ‘hand-egg’), baseball, and golf.

“Football” is of course the most popular. This is an elaborate excuse to wear tight pants and “tackle” other players. What happens at the bottom of the dogpile stays at the bottom of the dogpile, at least until the congressional hearings. Goochie-goochie goo!

Baseball represents a triumph in the ongoing battle against insomnia. Fathers from coast to coast drag their little snot-gurgling kid to SHUT UP and SIT DOWN in the stadium so that they can take in the full baseball experience. The pitcher throws a ball, the batter ALMOST TRIES TO HIT IT BUT THEN DECIDES NOT TO. The umpire screams, “BAWWWL ONE!” and then some guy wearing a satin jacket and aggressively chewing a mouthful of gum converses with the pitcher for the next 30 minutes. Rinse and repeat until your dad wakes you up because the game’s over and it’s time to go home. You’ll cherish this memory forever, or for the next 15 minutes, whichever comes first.

Golf is too stupid to even comment upon, largely because I am feeling exceptionally lazy, so screw it.