Donald Trump to be sworn in on book of carpet samples

The melting fat candle made the decision after having a bit of a practise with God’s book and being unable to find an edition that didn’t cause the skin of his tiny hands to sizzle.

“I’m going with the book of carpet samples. I love carpet samples. They’re great. These are great carpet samples.

“The material feels wonderful and soothes my tiny hands while reminding me of the greatest hair on earth - namely mine.

“The Bible is so last century, folks. It’s a brave new world, and we need brave new books without lots of bigly words.

“Just books full of carpet. They’re great. They’re for great people who hate reading. I hate reading. It’s great to hate reading.”

newsthump.com