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USADA to Strip Lance Armstrong of 7 Tour De France Titles

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Shiplord Kirel: From behind wingnut lines8/23/2012 11:16:22 pm PDT

On an unrelated note, I have appointed myself United Nations Commissioner in Waiting for Lubbock County, pending the arrival of our troops and those ACORN reinforcements this December. I am not sure what the salary will be but there should be plenty of opportunities for graft and corruption so it doesn’t matter. My rule will be firm but fair, unless the locals piss me off, in which case it’s off to FEMA camp with them.

I have already decided on a few changes in local procedure, to be instituted immediately upon my accession to office:
-No stop light will remain red for more than 30 seconds.
-Vehicles attempting to merge onto freeways at less than 45 mph will be vaporized by attack drones.
-To maintain the peace, if not law and order, free marijuana will be provided to Texas Tech fans on football game days, by emergency airdrop if necessary. Low-cost Oreo knock-offs and other cheap munchies will be transported to the affected areas in city dump trucks as required.
-Walmart will be abolished, its inventory auctioned off, and its buildings converted into detention centers for suspected zombies and shape-shifter aliens (we will be ready for ALL contingencies).
-Drunk drivers will be deported to Amarillo for a first offense, Waco for the second, and Afghanistan for the third.