Borowitz Report (Note that The New Yorker feels the need to label this as “satire.”)

Manchin Will Agree to Halloween Only if Candy Is Completely Removed

Signalling his opposition to a storied tradition, Senator Joe Manchin said that he will agree to Halloween only if candy is completely eliminated.

The West Virginia senator, arguing that the “big Halloween giveaway is over,” said that billions are wastefully spent on candy each year.

“People seem to think that children going from house to house to get candy for free is fun,” Manchin said. “I call it something else: socialism.”

Manchin’s neighbors said that his opposition to candy on Halloween is long-standing. “Kids skip his house, because he just gives out coal,” one neighbor said.