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BigPapa11/20/2019 1:42:16 pm PST

I need to run through this before I make a decision I truly regret.

My mom has been asking me to do the stuff for a bit. My wife is also interested (in me, not her of course).

In the mean time, I know an old painter/handyman/practically homeless guy around town. We call him Painter. Good dude, little whacko, believes in conspiracy shit and I know how to goad him a tad for funs but not let it get weird. When mom moved here to Hawaii I hooked her up with Painter to repaint and help with some odd jobs and shit. Worked out well for all, he seems to be good with her. She blasts Rachel ever afternoon and he knows to keep his comments to a minimum, and they know not to get into politics too much.

So when Ancestry came back up one the phone, Mom, hard of hearing has me on speakerphone. I know Painter is there. I say “OK mom, I’ll consider doing it only if Painter approves.” He bellows out a big Painter laugh from the other room.

When discussing further, I suggest to Painter maybe he should give his DNA under my name. We’re having a little too much fun with this, poor mom. I suggest this means he gets free license to rub one out, for science yo. Mom is not pleased with this banter. I complain that I only agreed to this believing I get a free Rub One Out card but I don’t know now.

Now that I have the kit… I have 3 guys I work with: 2 euro mutts and one local guy who’s probably portagee/hawaiian mix. You know where this is going.

Should I punk mom and get us all to mix our DNA together? I can yell at her and say ‘Is Dad my real dad?’

I”m so going to hell for this. But I’m going to laugh all the way there.