blind date

the conversation is fairly conventional until your date decides to inform you she is the “first transhuman”. now, “transhumanism” is a line of bs ted talk speculation about how future tech will cure all diseases and allow us to live forever through gene modification etc, and upload knowledge and abilities directly into your brain.

my date believes this is a news report. she expounds on her immunity to disease.

things take an uncomfortable turn when i attempt to order a bourbon on the rocks. she exclaims “do you want to poison yourself?” and orders the waiter to bring me red wine instead

red wine and mineral water are the only healthy beverages. all else is poison. red wine will cure us of all diseases and protect us from kgb brainwashing. russia and germany are at war, she is germany. the un is protecting her. “if you knew who i was you’d kill yourself”. waiter! another round of red wine, now! i am now also transhuman, otherwise why would i be sitting there with her!? we will be married for twenty years and have a son. then she’ll marry somebody else. her ex husband’s family are commoners, her family is royal, her mother is queen of lithuania. the kgb loves me and wants me to live, i must drink another glass of red wine. waiter! bring him another glass! russia and germany are at war, she is germany. the un is protecting her. “if you knew who i was you’d kill yourself. i don’t care if you already paid the check - waiter, two more glasses of red wine! russia germany at war… everything is brainwashing… we will get married - don’t you want to live?? transhuman… i am french, lithuanian, israeli, russian… i will be able to speak all languages… if you knew who i was you’d kill yourself… the kgb loves you, drink your wine… russia and germany… transhuman…”