Just received this important memo, thought I’d share.

Employee Memo:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown
of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement..
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be
reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired
Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who
have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further
by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as
much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT
it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been instructed to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management