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White House Denies Planning Construction of Death Star

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Dark_Falcon1/11/2013 7:16:27 pm PST

What I want to know is why the petition response assumed people were asking to build a Death Star to the original plans. It is universally acknowledged that the original design was flawed, and Emperor Palpatine had its designer eaten by piranha beetles as punishment (though the Emperor transferred Bevel Lemelisk’s life force into a cloned body to allows the skilled designer to continue to serve him).

But Lemelisk proved worthy of the cost of resurrecting him. His design for the 2nd Death Star was the subject of the petition. It has thousands of duel laser cannons to swat Rebel starfighters (MOAR GUNZ!), improved targeting to let it target capital ships, it has a faster and more efficient superlaser charging system (so its more energy efficient and overall greener that the first design, with its fusion power system the Death Star II design should earn LEADS Gold certification), and best of all it replaces the vulnerable thermal exhaust ports with thermal ventilation ducts that are only 5mm wide, making them impossible to get a shot into.

So the White House is clearly mistaken, basing its denial on the flawed first Death Star and ignoring the perfected second design. Given that the President is known to hate the US military, we must assume his mendacity over the Death Star is further evidence of his Kenyan Anti-Imperialism.

Note: The first two paragraph use materials from the Star Wars universe. The last paragraph is done in /wingnut to make sure it is clear that that paragraph (or anything in this post) is not be taken seriously.