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What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos

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The wait is over! Iowahawk has a world exclusive on the transcript of Eason Jordan’s discussion in Davos, discovered in a dumpster behind George Soros’ ski chalet in Lucerne: What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos.

Moderator Arsenio Hall: …(unintelligible) is this thing on? Okay, hello? Okay, if everbody can please take a seat. Okay, I’d like to welcome everybody to Day Two of the World Economic Forum here in Davos. Y’all havin’ a good time?

Crowd: Woof woof woof!

Hall: Oh, hell yeah. I heard some rumors in the breakfast buffet line that some of you fellas were kickin’ it a little late last night…

Unidentified voice: you got that right, Arsenio!

[crowd laughter and woofing]

Hall: In fact, I haven’t seen these many red eyes and guilty faces since I emceed the EU Conference on Balkan War Crimes!

[crowd laughter]

Hall: Damn, when my agent set up this emcee gig, he warned me that you guys like to pah-tay, but I had no idea. No idea! Hey, is David Gergen out there? (singsong voice) Da-vid Ger-gen! Dawg, all I gotta say is you gotta learn to pace yourself. The lap dancers over at Klub Guildenslutz told me you were handing out so many 20 Euro notes last night, they now think they’re officials in the UN Oil For Food program!

[woofing and laughing; David Gergen seen standing, spinning a G-string on his finger]

Hall: Okay, okay, all joking aside, fellas — I know y’all are going home in two days, back to your wives and stockholders and bloggers, so it’s important that we keep the details of the conference between ourselves. Remember - what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.

[applause]

Hall: Quick reminder - lunch will be served in the Waldheim Room at noon, followed by our afternoon workshops. We adjourn at 3 sharp, so you boys will have a chance to hit the slopes, or trade a few business cards over cocktails. Remember, the bus for the Time Warner Dinner Party leaves at 7, and they’ve got some very special entertainment lined up for you boys tonight!

Unidentified Voice: Tell us who it is, Arsenio!

Arsenio: No no no, I swore to keep it a secret. [crowd shouting] All right, you dragged it out of me. You ready for this? Christina Amanpour’s All Star Correspondette Burlesque Review!

[woo-hoos, whistles, stomping]

Hall: Okay, let’s get down to business, since I know a lot of you are on expense accounts. Our first speaker of the day comes from the world of media. He is executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN. He is mack daddy chair of the CNN Editorial Board. He is flat out the biggest balla out of Atlanta since Ludacris. Get your pimp cup in the air for Mista EAAAASON JORDAAAAAN….

[crowd woofing; Hall and Jordan soul-shake]

Jordan: Thank you Arsenio, and thank you delegates. It’s a real pleasure to speak to you today. I originally intended to center my remarks around building global news market share, but as we have all seen, this is becoming increasingly difficult in our fragmented media world. On the one hand, we have see the welcome emergence of ethical competitors like Al-Jazeera [applause], but we have also seen an infestation of sleazy fly-by-night operators like Fox [boos] …and unregulated blogs [boos] …who have spoiled what once was a golden goose for many of us.

While it would certainly be wonderful to regain share, ultimately we need to focus on the bottom line. At CNN we have paid close attention to carefully containing costs, but in such a way that does not impact our news product. For example, we achieved significant cost savings by accelerated depreciation of Larry King’s suspenders, and outsourcing our teleprompter feed to the Democratic National Committee. And, while we certainly didn’t support the invasion and occupation of Iraq, it allowed us to cancel our bribe contract with Ba’athist officials — freeing up essential bribe budgets for our other stations in the Mideast. As they, say, every cloud has a silver lining.

But, I don’t want to be blithe about our the challenges we face. For example, if we don’t get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting and shooting our field reporters, we are certainly going to face some steep increases in health care premiums for our employees. Second… umm, yes? Congressman Frank?

US Congressman Barney Frank: With all due respect, Mr. Jordan, what the f-ck? I mean… what the f-cking f-ck!?

Jordan: Excuse me?

Go read the rest, but make sure to put away any spewable beverages first. (Iowahawk is some kinda damn genius, I tell ya.)

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