TwitterFacebook

What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos

• Views: 4,577

The wait is over! Iowahawk has a world exclusive on the transcript of Eason Jordan’s discussion in Davos, discovered in a dumpster behind George Soros’ ski chalet in Lucerne: What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos.

Moderator Arsenio Hall: …(unintelligible) is this thing on? Okay, hello? Okay, if everbody can please take a seat. Okay, I’d like to welcome everybody to Day Two of the World Economic Forum here in Davos. Y’all havin’ a good time?

Crowd: Woof woof woof!

Hall: Oh, hell yeah. I heard some rumors in the breakfast buffet line that some of you fellas were kickin’ it a little late last night…

Unidentified voice: you got that right, Arsenio!

[crowd laughter and woofing]

Hall: In fact, I haven’t seen these many red eyes and guilty faces since I emceed the EU Conference on Balkan War Crimes!

[crowd laughter]

Hall: Damn, when my agent set up this emcee gig, he warned me that you guys like to pah-tay, but I had no idea. No idea! Hey, is David Gergen out there? (singsong voice) Da-vid Ger-gen! Dawg, all I gotta say is you gotta learn to pace yourself. The lap dancers over at Klub Guildenslutz told me you were handing out so many 20 Euro notes last night, they now think they’re officials in the UN Oil For Food program!

[woofing and laughing; David Gergen seen standing, spinning a G-string on his finger]

Hall: Okay, okay, all joking aside, fellas — I know y’all are going home in two days, back to your wives and stockholders and bloggers, so it’s important that we keep the details of the conference between ourselves. Remember - what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.

[applause]

Hall: Quick reminder - lunch will be served in the Waldheim Room at noon, followed by our afternoon workshops. We adjourn at 3 sharp, so you boys will have a chance to hit the slopes, or trade a few business cards over cocktails. Remember, the bus for the Time Warner Dinner Party leaves at 7, and they’ve got some very special entertainment lined up for you boys tonight!

Unidentified Voice: Tell us who it is, Arsenio!

Arsenio: No no no, I swore to keep it a secret. [crowd shouting] All right, you dragged it out of me. You ready for this? Christina Amanpour’s All Star Correspondette Burlesque Review!

[woo-hoos, whistles, stomping]

Hall: Okay, let’s get down to business, since I know a lot of you are on expense accounts. Our first speaker of the day comes from the world of media. He is executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN. He is mack daddy chair of the CNN Editorial Board. He is flat out the biggest balla out of Atlanta since Ludacris. Get your pimp cup in the air for Mista EAAAASON JORDAAAAAN….

[crowd woofing; Hall and Jordan soul-shake]

Jordan: Thank you Arsenio, and thank you delegates. It’s a real pleasure to speak to you today. I originally intended to center my remarks around building global news market share, but as we have all seen, this is becoming increasingly difficult in our fragmented media world. On the one hand, we have see the welcome emergence of ethical competitors like Al-Jazeera [applause], but we have also seen an infestation of sleazy fly-by-night operators like Fox [boos] …and unregulated blogs [boos] …who have spoiled what once was a golden goose for many of us.

While it would certainly be wonderful to regain share, ultimately we need to focus on the bottom line. At CNN we have paid close attention to carefully containing costs, but in such a way that does not impact our news product. For example, we achieved significant cost savings by accelerated depreciation of Larry King’s suspenders, and outsourcing our teleprompter feed to the Democratic National Committee. And, while we certainly didn’t support the invasion and occupation of Iraq, it allowed us to cancel our bribe contract with Ba’athist officials — freeing up essential bribe budgets for our other stations in the Mideast. As they, say, every cloud has a silver lining.

But, I don’t want to be blithe about our the challenges we face. For example, if we don’t get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting and shooting our field reporters, we are certainly going to face some steep increases in health care premiums for our employees. Second… umm, yes? Congressman Frank?

US Congressman Barney Frank: With all due respect, Mr. Jordan, what the f-ck? I mean… what the f-cking f-ck!?

Jordan: Excuse me?

Go read the rest, but make sure to put away any spewable beverages first. (Iowahawk is some kinda damn genius, I tell ya.)

^ back to top ^

TwitterFacebook

Turn off all ads for a full year by subscribing!
Take advantage of our end-of-the-year subscription special, and save 25% off the normal subscription price! For a limited time, one-year ad-free subscriptions are just $59.95. Turn off all ads for a full year by subscribing now and save!
Read more...

► LGF Headlines

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Articles

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Pages

  • Loading...

► Top 10 Comments

  • Loading...

► Bottom Comments

  • Loading...

► Recent Comments

  • Loading...

► Tools/Info

► Tag Cloud

► Contact

You must have Javascript enabled to use the contact form.
Your email:

Subject:

Message:


Messages may be published unless you request otherwise.
Tech Note:
Using the Contact Form
LGF Pages

This button leads to the main index of LGF Pages, our user-submitted articles. You can post your own LGF Pages simply by registering a free account with us.

Create a Page

This is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.

Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.

Last updated: 2014-12-15 2:06 pm PST

LGF User's Guide
Recent Pages
Rightwingconspirator
CT Supreme Court Rules 2nd Amendment Covers Knives and Batons
To me one of the most hypocritical aspects of some gun control meansures and their proponents has been how non gun yet still effective tools of self defense are also proscribed almost anywhere but the home. Often with more severe ...

3 minutes ago
Views: 26 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
Randall Gross
The Teens Behind EarthPix and Other Viral Twitter Feeds Go Legit
Earlier this year, a piece in The Atlantic disclosed the names of the geniuses behind a series of massively-popular Twitter accounts, including Earth Pics and History In Pics -- each with over a million followers. Were they former journalists, ...

3 hours, 50 minutes ago
Views: 75 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
FemNaziBitch
‘God Loves Women Who Have Abortions’: The Religious Abortion Advocates That History Forgot
The New York legislature had just failed to pass an incremental reform to the state's strict anti-abortion law, leaving the status quo in place. At that time, deaths resulting from illegal abortions accounted for 42 percent of New York ...

4 days, 4 hours ago
Views: 499 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 25 • Rating: 0
Lumberhead
A History of Thugs
Civilization is imperiled. Demonic dark-skinned criminals exult in seizing property and security. Only a vanguard of brave uniformed officers can take them off the streets and restore order. It is 1835, and whites are finally confronting what Mark Twain ...

1 week, 3 days ago
Views: 699 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 1 • Rating: 1
Romantic Heretic
It’s Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas
As always, Fairytale of New York makes me realize what time of the year it is.

1 week, 4 days ago
Views: 457 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 2
Dark_Falcon
The College Rape Overcorrection
This is the article I promised to post this morning. The quoted passage is from the second section, "2. An Overcorrection". We are told that one of the most dangerous places for a young woman in America today is a ...

1 week, 4 days ago
Views: 792 • Comments: 11
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 1
cinesimon
Charles Barkley and the Plague of ‘Unintelligent’ Blacks
theatlantic.com

1 week, 4 days ago
Views: 807 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 2
 Frank says:

This is the exciting part.
This is like the Supremes...
See the way it builds up?
Feel it?