TwitterFacebook

What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos

• Views: 5,150

The wait is over! Iowahawk has a world exclusive on the transcript of Eason Jordan’s discussion in Davos, discovered in a dumpster behind George Soros’ ski chalet in Lucerne: What Happens In Davos, Stays In Davos.

Moderator Arsenio Hall: …(unintelligible) is this thing on? Okay, hello? Okay, if everbody can please take a seat. Okay, I’d like to welcome everybody to Day Two of the World Economic Forum here in Davos. Y’all havin’ a good time?

Crowd: Woof woof woof!

Hall: Oh, hell yeah. I heard some rumors in the breakfast buffet line that some of you fellas were kickin’ it a little late last night…

Unidentified voice: you got that right, Arsenio!

[crowd laughter and woofing]

Hall: In fact, I haven’t seen these many red eyes and guilty faces since I emceed the EU Conference on Balkan War Crimes!

[crowd laughter]

Hall: Damn, when my agent set up this emcee gig, he warned me that you guys like to pah-tay, but I had no idea. No idea! Hey, is David Gergen out there? (singsong voice) Da-vid Ger-gen! Dawg, all I gotta say is you gotta learn to pace yourself. The lap dancers over at Klub Guildenslutz told me you were handing out so many 20 Euro notes last night, they now think they’re officials in the UN Oil For Food program!

[woofing and laughing; David Gergen seen standing, spinning a G-string on his finger]

Hall: Okay, okay, all joking aside, fellas — I know y’all are going home in two days, back to your wives and stockholders and bloggers, so it’s important that we keep the details of the conference between ourselves. Remember - what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.

[applause]

Hall: Quick reminder - lunch will be served in the Waldheim Room at noon, followed by our afternoon workshops. We adjourn at 3 sharp, so you boys will have a chance to hit the slopes, or trade a few business cards over cocktails. Remember, the bus for the Time Warner Dinner Party leaves at 7, and they’ve got some very special entertainment lined up for you boys tonight!

Unidentified Voice: Tell us who it is, Arsenio!

Arsenio: No no no, I swore to keep it a secret. [crowd shouting] All right, you dragged it out of me. You ready for this? Christina Amanpour’s All Star Correspondette Burlesque Review!

[woo-hoos, whistles, stomping]

Hall: Okay, let’s get down to business, since I know a lot of you are on expense accounts. Our first speaker of the day comes from the world of media. He is executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN. He is mack daddy chair of the CNN Editorial Board. He is flat out the biggest balla out of Atlanta since Ludacris. Get your pimp cup in the air for Mista EAAAASON JORDAAAAAN….

[crowd woofing; Hall and Jordan soul-shake]

Jordan: Thank you Arsenio, and thank you delegates. It’s a real pleasure to speak to you today. I originally intended to center my remarks around building global news market share, but as we have all seen, this is becoming increasingly difficult in our fragmented media world. On the one hand, we have see the welcome emergence of ethical competitors like Al-Jazeera [applause], but we have also seen an infestation of sleazy fly-by-night operators like Fox [boos] …and unregulated blogs [boos] …who have spoiled what once was a golden goose for many of us.

While it would certainly be wonderful to regain share, ultimately we need to focus on the bottom line. At CNN we have paid close attention to carefully containing costs, but in such a way that does not impact our news product. For example, we achieved significant cost savings by accelerated depreciation of Larry King’s suspenders, and outsourcing our teleprompter feed to the Democratic National Committee. And, while we certainly didn’t support the invasion and occupation of Iraq, it allowed us to cancel our bribe contract with Ba’athist officials — freeing up essential bribe budgets for our other stations in the Mideast. As they, say, every cloud has a silver lining.

But, I don’t want to be blithe about our the challenges we face. For example, if we don’t get some control on the US Military deliberately targeting and shooting our field reporters, we are certainly going to face some steep increases in health care premiums for our employees. Second… umm, yes? Congressman Frank?

US Congressman Barney Frank: With all due respect, Mr. Jordan, what the f-ck? I mean… what the f-cking f-ck!?

Jordan: Excuse me?

Go read the rest, but make sure to put away any spewable beverages first. (Iowahawk is some kinda damn genius, I tell ya.)

^ back to top ^

TwitterFacebook

Turn off all ads for a full year by subscribing!
Take advantage of our yearly subscription, and save 50% off the normal subscription price! One-year ad-free subscriptions are just $59.95. Turn off all ads for a full year by subscribing now and save!
Read more...

► LGF Headlines

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Articles

  • Loading...

► Tweeted Pages

  • Loading...

► Top 10 Comments

  • Loading...

► Bottom Comments

  • Loading...

► Recent Comments

  • Loading...

► Tools/Info

► Tag Cloud

► Contact

You must have Javascript enabled to use the contact form.
Your email:

Subject:

Message:


Messages may be published unless you request otherwise.
Tech Note:
Using the Contact Form
LGF Pages

This button leads to the main index of LGF Pages, our user-submitted articles. You can post your own LGF Pages simply by registering a free account with us.

Create a Page

This is the LGF Pages posting bookmarklet. To use it, drag this button to your browser's bookmark bar, and title it 'LGF Pages' (or whatever you like). Then browse to a site you want to post, select some text on the page to use for a quote, click the bookmarklet, and the Pages posting window will appear with the title, text, and any embedded video or audio files already filled in, ready to go.

Or... you can just click this button to open the Pages posting window right away.

Last updated: 2015-04-18 5:26 pm PDT

LGF User's Guide
Recent Pages
FemNaziBitch
Illinois Couple Indicted for Kidnapping and Transportation of a Minor With Intent to Engage in Sexual Activity
Nicole Eason, 37, and Calvin Eason, 46, formerly of Danville and Westville, Illinois, were charged in an indictment unsealed today with two counts of kidnapping of a minor and one count of transportation of a minor. They were previously ...

17 minutes ago
Views: 34 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 1 • Rating: 0
Thanos
UPDATE 1-Britain’s Closest Election in a Generation Goes Down to the Wire
Campaigning in Britain's most unpredictable election in a generation entered its final day with the two main parties level in most polls and neither on track to command a majority in the parliament of the world's fifth largest economy. ...

7 hours, 7 minutes ago
Views: 101 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 1
Cheechako
Biologists Report First Wild Bison Birth in Alaska in at Least a Century
Suzanna CaldwellAlaska News DispatchMay 1, 2015 Biologists monitoring the new Innoko River wood bison herd got a pleasant surprise last month during an aerial survey of the animals: a bison calf, the first born in the wild in at least ...

4 days, 17 hours ago
Views: 332 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 5
Romantic Heretic
The United States of Amnesia
My news aggregator found this interesting article about how the US has no history. Which brings this cartoon to mind.

5 days, 5 hours ago
Views: 413 • Comments: 2
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 3
Lumberhead
David Simon on Baltimore’s Anguish
It's long but definitely worth the time. Simon sends some flak in Martin O'Malley's direction and that will probably get some attention due to presidential politics. I thought the following passage was important to highlight but the whole thing is ...

1 week ago
Views: 434 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 15 • Rating: 4
No Country For Old Haters
Partridge Family’s Youngest Daughter Dies — Suzanne Crough Dead at 52
The youngest "Partridge Family" star Suzanne Crough died Monday at her home in Nevada ... TMZ has learned. Crough starred as the tambourine-shaking daughter Tracy Partridge ... during the classic sitcom's run from 1970 to 1974. She was 52 ...

1 week ago
Views: 572 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 1 • Rating: 0
palmerskiss
Jonah Goldberg’s Dog Is A Manchurian Liberal Plant
@JonahNRO your dog is obviously a liberal facist homo-feminazi — palmerkiss (@palmerkiss) April 27, 2015 I admit, I'd buy his dog a drink and share war stories. Secretly hoping it's a Schnauzer.

1 week, 2 days ago
Views: 748 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 50 • Rating: 2
EiMitch
Cracked: 5 Things You Won’t (Want to) Believe I Saw Guarding US Nukes
cracked.com If there happens to be anyone reading LGF who opposes nuclear disarmament for any reason, you probably need to know that our doomsday arsenal is less secure than a revolving door in a prison. I'm just saying that we're ...

1 week, 3 days ago
Views: 680 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 0 • Rating: 0
Higgs Boson's Mate
Sleeping Bear Dunes shipwrecks spotted by helicopter patrol
LEELANAU COUNTY, MI -- A Northern Michigan Coast Guard helicopter crew on routine patrol captured some excellent images of the shipwrecks that dot the waters off Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore. The Traverse City-based crew posted six photos on ...

2 weeks, 1 day ago
Views: 743 • Comments: 1
Tweets: 2 • Rating: 6
CriticalDragon1177
Skepchick - Ad Hominem Fallacy: A Lesson for Sea World ( Video )
Rebecca Watson takes on Sea World, and their attacks on John Hargrove. She takes them to task for attacking him, rather than even trying to refute his allegations, and in the process gives us a lesson in critical thinking. Read ...

2 weeks, 1 day ago
Views: 1,060 • Comments: 0
Tweets: 40 • Rating: 3
 Frank says:

I have a message to deliver to the cute people of the world...if you're cute, or maybe you're beautiful...there's MORE OF US UGLY MOTHERF*CKERS OUT THERE! So watch out.